Parents leant me money - now won’t talk to me

[greymauve]

NC for this.

Truly expect to get flamed for some of this but I’m just quite upset and have nowhere to turn but here.

I had to ask my parents for money yesterday. £150, with the intent of paying it back on Saturday. I very, very rarely have asked my parents for money. I’m 26 and moved out at 18. Have lived independently and always supported myself. Have also worked since the age of 14 (starting as a waitress on the weekends).

I have been struggling financially for the past few months since having a baby. He’s 21 weeks old and I went back to WFH six weeks postpartum. I had saved up at the start of my pregnancy to pay the rent for four months while on maternity leave because was only able to get £140 a week. Due to getting ill during my pregnancy, I had to start using it from 28 weeks.

I didn’t have savings because I was in a financially abusive relationship before meeting my DP and lost them all.

I’m self-employed but have regular clients, but invoicing can take some time. I haven’t been paid since July. I have a long-term illness that prevents me from working outside of the house and am high risk.

I am currently looking after my baby in the day and then working from 4pm to around 12am-1am every day. I am due £6,000 next month. I’ve literally been working as much as possible.

I am also suffering badly with PND. Am in therapy, CBT and under the perinatal team as well as being on medication.

Anyway, I had to borrow the money because my cat became unwell and I had to get emergency treatment. I have pet insurance so can claim it back.

I didn’t have enough in my account and called my mum. I was nervous to do this because as I said I do not like borrowing money.

She said okay as long as I pay it back on Saturday so I said that was fine. She then said I ‘really need to sort myself out’ and when I said that I was working as much as I could to do so she said ‘You’re not even trying’. It really hurt because I am the main earner and I am trying my absolute hardest to make as much money as possible.

Today she called me and went mental. She told me that she hadn’t asked my dad whether it was okay to lend the money and that now he won’t talk to her and it’s my fault. That she knew my mental health was bad which is why she felt she had to lend the money but she feels she shouldn’t have and that I blackmailed her. When I explained that I hadn’t mentioned my mental health when asking, so I don’t feel I blackmailed her, she said well ‘you’re always going on about your mental health’ and ‘My friend was there when you called and asked for the money and she was absolutely disgusted by it’. She then went on to say asking to borrow money is not putting my DS first and I’m not even trying to do anything about my financial situation. I said I am working every night and she said well that doesn’t help right this moment, does it? She then went on to say she was sick of me talking about my mental health and that I blamed everything on my mental health. When I asked her what exactly, she just said ‘your whole life’.

She then said she’s done talking to me and hung up.

I do talk to her about my mental health but only when she can see I’m feeling low and asks. She told me if I do need to talk to anyone about it only talk to her because if I tell my health visitor/perinatal team when it gets bad they might take DS off me.

She also said she now can’t pay her £5,000 tax bill because of me.

I then got texts afterwards asking what would happen about her seeing DS now, as if she doesn’t want anything to do with me?

Fair enough I shouldn’t have asked for the money. I was due payment yesterday but it never came. I have chased and added a late fee. But I can pay her back on Saturday as I stated when asking to borrow.

She now won’t speak to me and I feel like I’m failing even more. I have apologised but it hasn’t changed anything.

I know, I’m pitying myself right now and probably haven’t made a lot of sense. I’m writing this while taking it all in so heads a bit all over the place. Sorry

Your mum does not sound kind at all. Mine would have paid the vet bill and probably slipped £50 in my purse too.
It’s been a difficult time financially for a lot of people - throw in a new baby and the ‘quirks’ of the SEISS payment system and it doesn’t take a huge leap to see how you’d be hit harder.

Your mum’s tax isn’t due till January, and you said you’d pay her back at weekend.

Speak to your GP/HV. They won’t take your baby away. I struggled with PND as a single mum and never came close to even a SS referral. I did gets meds and therapy which helped, and more frequent check ins with my HV, who was lovely.

One last thing - are you in a Union? I’m freelance too and mine has a hardship fund where they will make one-off emergency payments. It’s worth looking into if you are.

@katy1213 - wow, just wow! I sincerely hope you have no children.

OP just to add to all the other voices here it sounds like you're working incredibly hard to make things good for your baby.

There is no way SS will take baby from you with PND and the best thing you can do for yourself and him is get some help. It doesn't sound like you have any downtime either so I hope you're able to get some sleep tonight you poor thing:

Others have recommended what seem like useful resources - get as much rest tonight as you can and talk to them tomorrow. One other thing - I was always taught that if you're sleeping and eating ok then that puts you in the best position to deal with mental health stuff so make sure you're eating right (and getting as much rest as you can given what sounds like a heavy workload).

No more advice from me but and I'm so sorry your mum hasn't been more supportive.

I'm so sorry your mother is behaving like this op. You have so much on your plate at the moment - most mums would be falling over themselves to help you through it all. I know I would with my adult dcs.

Nothing much to add to the advice you've already been given, other than to say that some insurance companies will liaise direct with the vet so you don't have to pay anything up front. I think Pet Plan does this. Though you will need to be careful about changing if your cat has any pre-existing conditions.

I would be extremely proud of you if you were my dd. You're coping with such a lot

If I had been as responsible, as successful and as high achieving as you at your age I would have walked on air. Both you and your dp are solid and impressive. You are doing all the right things except believing in yourself! Please note that your mum is not a supportive person. It is time to recalibrate your relationship. She will never give you the praise you clearly deserve nor the encouragement one would like from a parent.

Your mum is the leading cause of your mental health issues - there, I said it. She will never change.

You need to distance yourself from her. Stop talking to her about your personal struggles, she is not a friend to you. Switch your life around: Talk to your medical team about your mental health and tell your mum everything is fine. Your mum is toxic.

£150 is fuck all money for her to be lending you. My parents are poor as shit and could lend more than that in a squeeze. Never ask them for anything ever again once you have paid them back. Make a savings pot of at least £1k for times like this. Work out where you could save money on your bills and outgoings. Have a clear out and sell some bits you really don't need, or sell just one expensive thing (Xbox/jewellery/collector's item/dresses).

Now...being petty...Give the money back on the day you said you would (honouring your verbal contract) and tell your mum she needs to be more careful with her finances in future so she doesn't get in a state again, financially and emotionally. Offer her your mental health team details as she clearly needs some mental health help. With people like your mum, they enjoy your panic when they attack you like that. Turn it around. Treat her like the dunce.

You're doing really well considering. Your mum sounds batty. Keep a wide berth for a good while.

When she asks about seeing your DS now she won't have anything to do with you tell he she won't be seeing your DS as your job as a parent is to protect him from nasty people like her. Then cut her out of your life. Move on, be happy, be a good mum, you don't need a relationship with someone like this and neither does your child. A friend you'd cut off for behaving like this but a family member who is supposed to love and support you, it's a million times worse than this behaviour from a friend.

I have a mother like this. I finally cut her off completely and I’m not kidding when I say it’s done WONDERS for my mental health. I’m more at peace than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

FFS, this makes me angry. My children are only tiny but I know that, whatever age they are, me and my husband would just give the money, never mind lend it. You are trying your absolute hardest.
I am really sorry they've been like this with you.

So sad to read this. Your mum should be proud of you, of how hard you are working whilst dealing with your mental health and caring for your son, she should be trying to help you but instead sounds very negative and toxic and someone who is hindering your mental health. So sorry you don't deserve this treatment at all her behaviour is so terrible she sounds abusive at a time when your vaunrable and could really do with some support.
she really doesnt deserve any of your time or to be part of your family, she sounds very untrustworthy and a toxic influence on both you and your son.

Hi @greymauve

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time generally and from your mother in particular. You had (mostly) good advice as well as empathy/sympathy on here. I'd also suggest you speaking to Citizens Advice to see if they can suggest any further help for you financially if UC are not really able to help much. Do discuss the possibility of PIP/DLA with them or check online.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/benefit-and-pension-rates-2020-to-2021/benefit-and-pension-rates-2020-to-2021

Or contact www.turn2us.org.uk or
www.entitledto.co.uk
for more information.

I also wanted to applaud your work ethic, dignity and true grit in trying to surmount your current problems - as well as getting out of the earlier abusive relationship.

Sadly I think your mother is not doing your mental health any good at all and would echo other PPs and go, at the very least, low contact with her as you cannot rely on her to support you emotionally.

I hope things improve for you soon. 🌹

Stay quiet until Saturday. Pay the money back. Make sure your Dad knows you have paid it back

Then get yourself on some Magnesium 365, daily vitamin C 500mg, vitamin D3 and K2 drops and start healing.

Hi are you feeling today OP? Hope you managed to get some rest,

Your mother’s behaviour sounds awful- try not to let her upset you. I’d also consider going NC as she doesn’t seem to be a positive influence in your life and none of you need that.

You mum sounds like Kyle's mum in South Park - "the biggest bitch in the whole wide world." Parents should be there to support their children at any age, responsibility doesn't stop when they turn 18. £150 is a pathetic amount for her to be acting this way over and if she couldn't afford it she shouldn't have lent it to you.

My advice is pay it back when you said you would, then make the decision to cut contact with her. She's damaging your mental health. And don't let her poison your child by allowing her to have contact with it either.

There's no way asking for help from your GP or HV will lead to your DS being 'taken away'. It will lead to you getting the help you need. I was approved to adopt despite my medical records showing that I was on anti depressants on and off.

And those two posters who say you should give up your cat are being ridiculous. This was an emergency hence not a regular expense. And cats are beneficial to MH for those of us who are cat lovers.

What a cow, not surprised you have poor mental health if she brought you up. You should speak to your GP, your baby will not be at risk and only an absolute bitch would suggest that to you. Pay the old bag ASAP and have as little to do with her as possible. Don't ask for advice and don't take advice from her. She sounds utterly vile. I'm sorry for you that you have such a mother. Good luck.

Your DM sounds unhinged, that goes without saying.

On the SE work front, if you haven't done so already, make sure your T&Cs are watertight and if clients fail to pay on time, start to implement collection procedures.

These don't need to be too draconian, just anything that goes 30 days past due, write to them to tell them you'll be taking them to the small claims court - I think there's a claim limit, so perhaps invoice in smaller chunks for big projects, perhaps every week, 2 weeks or month, rather than letting the bill get to £6k if that's too much, might improve your cash flow too. And then after another 14/30 days actually go through with it. It's not your job to facilitate your client's cash flow at the expense of yours.

I'd also suggest getting a credit card to help your own finances. If you'd have had a credit card you could have paid the vet bill and would have got the insurance payout before the bill was due. This is exactly the type of situation that they're for.

What the hell. You asked to borrow money from your parents as you're in real need and wouldn't ask normally. Your parents have just blown this way put of proportion. That is ridiculous and unfair.
Where is your man in all of this?

Have you already borrowed the money?

@katy1213 What the fuck? What is your excuse for posting such a nasty post? Are you her Mommy dearest? How do you sleep at night? You pitiful excuse for a human

OP,
You sound like a great woman who is doing her best in extremely difficult circumstances.

Your mother is very wrong.

I too would imagine her behaviour has contributed to you MH.

Please seek support from your GP.
PND is very difficult and support can help.

Put your mother out of your mind and step away.
Protect yourself from her.

Wishing you well.

Are you the same poster that posted a couple of weeks ago with a very similar dilemma?

Your mum sounds absolutely horrible.

My parents who are separated, would always be there for me like this in times of need. I, like you, don't like asking and don't but I know they'd absolutely help out if they could without a second thought!

I was put on furlough in march and the very first thing my dad said to my when he found out was to ask me how much I was losing and he would top me up by that amount each month. I didn't accept as I could manage but he would have done that without any hesitation or annoyance toward me.

I will be the same way with my children too. There's a big difference wanting financial help to buy the latest designer shoes you don't need, and being in a genuinely difficult situation.

Are you the same poster that posted a couple of weeks ago with a very similar dilemma?

Why do some posters ask this, surely there is more than one person with toxic parents on MN