Repay the loan as soon as you can - then tell both parents to fuck right off!
She’s behaved appallingly! I’m all for adult children being independent and responsible BUT we ALL need help and support at difficult times which you are going through.
Also speaking as someone with serious mental illness who’s raised a dd while being so ill IGNORE her BULLSHIT about not telling professionals when you’re really struggling - they WON’T take your child off you just for that! She’s talking out her arse!
I’m willing to bet they’re a big part of WHY you’re struggling! I strongly suspect if you went nc you’d be doing better!
Stay away from the toxic old bat, and keep your DS away too.
Could not agree more!
She sounds a fucking nightmare!
To be honest, and speaking from experience, shitty parents tend to make shitty grandparents anyway!
what will happen if I tell my GP/perinatal team I am struggling? I have been telling them things are ok because I don’t want them to take DS away. If they find out I’ve been lying will they take him?
They will put you in touch with the appropriate people and tools to support you.
Just so you’re not blindsided I will say that may include a referral to social services BUT that is not to have your child taken away but to give your family the support you need at this time.
I had exactly the same fears and as a result didn’t ask for help until I was in crisis, I almost didn’t let the social worker in! She was extremely patient and kind, and reassured me she wasn’t there to take dd - and I was a single mum with no support network!
She assessed our situation, not only saw that dd was well cared for but did a lot to reassure me that I was not a terrible mum.
My house was a TIP! Mainly due to hoarding issues, I wasn’t cooking at the time (I have ocd and one of the things I struggle with is safety with cooking, I was obsessing over food safety, using sharp knives etc) so frankly at the time we were living on McDonald’s, takeaways, micro meals and ASDA cafe! I was “supplementing” with fresh fruit, raw veggies and smoothies as snacks as a nod to “healthy” eating, I’d bought dd “extra” school uniform so I had less laundry to do, dds room was the only tidy one!
But she reassured me - dd was clean, well, warm, fed and attending school, to give myself a break and stop trying to be the “perfect” mum
She also made several comments that she regularly saw children being much less well cared for and they were still with their families too.
She explained her job wasn’t “child snatcher” but to support families at times of difficulty to improve things.
I only saw her once after that as she was satisfied that as a parent I was doing fine.
The crisis team stayed with me for around 6 weeks seeing me every day, literally walking me into a shower, standing next to me watching me wash dishes, cook etc in order to reassure me that I’d not done anything that would cause food poisoning or anything, monitoring my response to meds, building my confidence - and I was struggling with REALLY basic things like using a cash machine or choosing which tin of beans to buy!
Post natal mental illness is SO COMMON I PROMISE you the chances that you will be telling them ANYTHING they haven’t heard a million times before - and much worse! Is infinitesimally small!
I also speak as an ex hcp, and while I didn’t work in mh I did of course do rotations in training and believe me they really are unshockable!
I’ve known of mums afraid they’ll put the baby in the oven, forget they’ve left them in the car etc MANY think they’re “terrible mums” and they’ve all been supported to overcome those issues and be great mums.
PLEASE seek the help you need, I really truly believe it will be the best decision you could make.
Oh and Samaritans are SHIT in my experience! I’ve called them numerous times when nobody else was available to speak to and they made me feel worse every damn time! There was even a thread on here a few months back where I discovered quite a few others had a similar experience with them.
I’ve found anxiety Uk and family lives/Parentline incredibly helpful
From googling I’ve found
https://pandasfoundation.org.uk
But I haven’t used them myself
Talk on here too, this is such a common experience for women there will be women on here who’ve had and recovered from post natal mental illness.
Regarding illness/disability - please get good advice on this also. I am also disabled plus the mental illness, currently unemployed as a result and I get Esa and pip.
I always use my local welfare advice office who are really well informed (and I don’t just mean one office I’m on my 3rd different location), you might be able to claim pip, and maybe even equivalent of Esa even while working as you can do permitted work on Esa, I’m not entirely sure of the rules with UC and as advised I am resisting being moved to uc for as long as possible.
The forms and claim process is a pain but worth it, but I would always advise not to try it alone as the forms and system are designed to limit successful claims.
I suspect when you tried to claim uc before you didn’t include all the info you should have.
Wishing you so much luck and good health as you go forward. 