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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we will never stop paying for my DSC

159 replies

Clueless72 · 02/09/2020 04:21

Firstly I know that it is the right thing to do to help you kids through university, I have no issue with that, what I do have an issue with is my dsd spent 4 years being financed through university, she failed 2 years but insisted she had to prove herself, she passed her final year and then decided this wasn't the degree for her so embarked on another degree. Meanwhile my dss is in his final year at uni, his rent has been extortionate because he insisted on living in the city centre and to live on his own. Now get this, my husband is elf employed and earns roughly 3,000 euros a month, his kids are costing him £700 a month, they are 21 and 24. They have jobs during the holidays but don't work while at uni, why should they? I'd clung on to the thought that it's only another year until my dss leaves uni and gets a job but he's now applying to do a masters which will again be financed by us. I came into this partnership with my own money which has partly covered years of education, to kids who aren't mine, we are skint and in debt, resentful doesn't begin to cover it!

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 02/09/2020 04:23

You never had to pay for his kids unless you wanted to.

Your partner can refuse to pay for a Masters. He can tell his son to get loans.

Kisskiss · 02/09/2020 04:25

Give dss a fixed amount for his rent ( which you and husband are comfortable with) and tell him that anything above thAt amount he covers himself during his masters. He’s going to have to get used to paying his own way as an earning adult soon anyway. I think it’s fair to find people through undergraduate, but secomd degrees and masters are ‘frills’

Original poster
Clueless72 · 02/09/2020 04:27

His father won't stand up for himself, his ex wife makes the decisions, we pay

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 02/09/2020 04:31

Then your problem is your husband not his children or ex wife.

You should have walked out when you started paying for his adult children's lifestyle choices.

Original poster
Clueless72 · 02/09/2020 04:40

I know

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 02/09/2020 04:53

YANBU
But how long have you been a step mama? If you raised the children from a very young age I would expect some assistance getting them through university. If you only met them as older (teens), then not so much.

Regardless, parents don’t normally finance post graduate degrees/lifestyles. So both DSD and DSS are due to be made fully independent and no further support given. You have your retirement to save for and can’t do that if you’re financing their entire twenties.

Catsup · 02/09/2020 04:58

The phrase shutting the door after the horse has bolted comes to mind. However, regardless of what was paid out before now being long gone you need to say you're personally not willing to finance them any more. If their dad wants to pay then that's up to him provided he still puts his equal contribution into your own household and you're not picking up the slack. I still help out DC who've flown the nest with what I can afford/when I can afford it. But I'd be buggered if I was looking at the breadline for it, and they wouldn't ask me to! Do the DSC even know about the fact its causing you and DH debt/hardship? Or has he not even mentioned the pot is not bottomless?

Whenwillthisbeover · 02/09/2020 05:01

How old are these “children”? They must be at least 21 and 23 now?

His ex doesn’t call the shots anymore, he needs to tell them they can’t be fu dead for their choice to be eternal students any longer.

I told DS that when he wanted to do a masters, funnily enough he decided against it and has never mentioned it since and it wouldn’t have improved his career further anyway.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2020 05:01

You should have refused to contribute years ago and put your money in a separate account. You need to take some responsibility for this, too.

Original poster
Clueless72 · 02/09/2020 05:11

@Aquamarine1029

You should have refused to contribute years ago and put your money in a separate account. You need to take some responsibility for this, too.
Tough but true, I'm well aware I've been an idiot
OP posts:
FortunesFave · 02/09/2020 05:22

I've never been able to understand people paying for young adults like this.

I had no grant for my degree because it was an acting degree at one of London's better drama schools. That meant I also had to find the fees...I got a scholarship and worked in a tacky nightclub!

Nobody offered to pay...my parents would sometimes chuck me 50 quid or some shopping! Mum would buy me things like a new coat in winter...boots etc.

I never expected more.

Why do people who aren't wealthy do this?

PickAPick · 02/09/2020 05:28

But how long have you been a step mama? If you raised the children from a very young age I would expect some assistance getting them through university. If you only met them as older (teens), then not so much

Makes no difference when she met them. The kids clearly have two parents here as OP mentions an ex wife. She could have met the DSC at 2 years old and it still wouldn't have been her responsibility to fund their education.

Original poster
Clueless72 · 02/09/2020 05:30

@FortunesFave

I've never been able to understand people paying for young adults like this.

I had no grant for my degree because it was an acting degree at one of London's better drama schools. That meant I also had to find the fees...I got a scholarship and worked in a tacky nightclub!

Nobody offered to pay...my parents would sometimes chuck me 50 quid or some shopping! Mum would buy me things like a new coat in winter...boots etc.

I never expected more.

Why do people who aren't wealthy do this?

Divorced parents and issues of guilt and not wanting to be seen to be the bad parent. It makes sense to me, that's the way they did it in our day
OP posts:
jessstan2 · 02/09/2020 05:30

Does ex wife not contribute ?

Original poster
Clueless72 · 02/09/2020 05:41

Yes she does and that's her choice because they're all her decisions. Her decision to allow my dsd to do another degree and fund it after 4 wasted years, her decision to allow her son to live in a city centre apartment on his own, cheaper to live with other students further out but she never says no. She still expects my husband to match everything but she's got more money than us and these kids are no longer kids ffs!

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless72 · 02/09/2020 05:44

And how on earth any of you could think I'm being unreasonable, you have literally no idea how bloody reasonable I've been

OP posts:
TinkerPony · 02/09/2020 05:45

Step down and do not get involved anymore.
Let their parents deal with it.
Their children's education is complete any extra education they wish to do need to be covered by themselves from jobs or grants or their own parents if they wish to carry on being fools.

HannahStern · 02/09/2020 05:50

No, the problem is not his ex-wife, the problem is your DH. It is pretty clear that your DH is quite happy for you to help support his adult children.

Reubenshat · 02/09/2020 05:52

You can actually put a stop to it today and say you’ve had enough. There will always be times he has to support his kids, my dd1 has just come back home because due to COVID her work has reduced massively. She’s 25 and is cabin crew. She’s already looking for work to tide her over till her flights pick up again. She lives in Dubai and can’t live of the reduced wage. I don’t mind.

But I think your SDC realise this is quite an easy life for them now and starting to take the piss.

Separate your finances and tell him to get a higher paid job if he wants to continue or leave

VettiyaIruken · 02/09/2020 06:01

The change will only come from you. You need to stop contributing directly and also not financially support your husband by covering his share of household bills so he can give his earnings to them.

Or tell him you are not willing to bankroll adults and walk.

user1487194234 · 02/09/2020 06:02

I don't think it's that unusual to support your children through education even if you they are technically adults
But only if you can afford to and in the case of SC if you want to
You need to tell your DH that your support needs to end

Rangoon · 02/09/2020 06:06

My husband's stepmother is a delightful woman and, in fact, is so delightful that one of my son's when he was little asked if he could have a stepmother as well. The idea though that she should have financed my husband through university would have been greeted with astonishment by everyone in the family.

jessstan2 · 02/09/2020 06:07

I don't think you are unreasonable but this is not your problem, it's your husband's. You don't have to pay towards his adult children's keep from your earnings, use yours to pay for your share of household expenses and keep the rest for yourself.

Your husband still has almost £2,000 a month after making his contribution to their upkeep and he just has to learn to manage his outgoings on that or try to earn more money.

It wouldn't hurt the 'children' to get part time jobs, plenty of students do. Your husband really needs to have a frank talk with them about finances as you are feeling the pinch. Legally he didn't have to support them after the age of eighteen.

Do they like you and your husband? You don't say how long you have been together and I presume you don't have children.

workhomesleeprepeat · 02/09/2020 06:09

I do get why you feel like a mug, but do you think it would be different if it were your kids?

Are they grateful for what you and you h provide?

Tbh the problem here is really your husband. I think it’s prob easier for you to blame the step kids than it is to blame him

Doccomplaint · 02/09/2020 06:12

@Clueless72

Yes she does and that's her choice because they're all her decisions. Her decision to allow my dsd to do another degree and fund it after 4 wasted years, her decision to allow her son to live in a city centre apartment on his own, cheaper to live with other students further out but she never says no. She still expects my husband to match everything but she's got more money than us and these kids are no longer kids ffs!
To be fair, she’s not allowing him. He’s an adult. The decision to do the degree is up to him.

Who funds it and to the tune of how much is for his mum and dad to decide for themselves.

Sorry but you have a DH problem.

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