To think we will never stop paying for my DSC

[Clueless72]

Firstly I know that it is the right thing to do to help you kids through university, I have no issue with that, what I do have an issue with is my dsd spent 4 years being financed through university, she failed 2 years but insisted she had to prove herself, she passed her final year and then decided this wasn't the degree for her so embarked on another degree. Meanwhile my dss is in his final year at uni, his rent has been extortionate because he insisted on living in the city centre and to live on his own. Now get this, my husband is elf employed and earns roughly 3,000 euros a month, his kids are costing him £700 a month, they are 21 and 24. They have jobs during the holidays but don't work while at uni, why should they? I'd clung on to the thought that it's only another year until my dss leaves uni and gets a job but he's now applying to do a masters which will again be financed by us. I came into this partnership with my own money which has partly covered years of education, to kids who aren't mine, we are skint and in debt, resentful doesn't begin to cover it!

It sounds like your dh is too proud, too dumb or too scared to say no. If he cannot afford to contribute without you chipping in, the change comes from you. Let the ex and dcs kick off. You never signed off to indefinitely support adults. They have had a good run. Your dh can blame Covid for a drop in income if he wants. Some employees are being asked to take pay cuts. They’ll never know.

So he earns £3000 pcm and spends £700 pcm on his children? What happens to the other £2300?

OP how are your own personal.finances now? You don't need to provide us with details obviously but are you in a position to cover 50% of rent, bills etc?
I think in that position I'd be looking at whether I could support myself independently going forward.

Draw a line under what you have already contributed. Frustrating but there is no way of getting that back now.
Put your practical head on and then have a blunt conversation with your DH. Keep your finances separate and don't feel guilty on spending any of your disposable income on things that he can't afford because of his choice to continue funding his children.
If you can't afford to fund yourself independently then I think unfortunately you are in a more difficult position.

I totally understand your frustration but on the end they are his DC and it is up to him. He still has €2300 over and I presume you are working as well.

You don't mention anywhere in your post that this arrangement causes you financial hardship so I assume this is not the case (otherwise you would have surely brought it up).

How do you arrange finances? one pot or does each of you contribute 50% to pay the bills? If so, can he pay his share?

I can't see the vote, if there is one. But I have to assume anyone saying YABU must be saying so because you have been too easily directed by your DH. The EXW isn't really anything to do with you. Your husband has been telling you what to do with money you have learnt and it isn't anything for your own benefit. Think about that.

Anyway, I was funded through degrees by my parents. As were my siblings, including one who did medicine as a mature student which cost £££££ as no loan available. But, the crucial difference was, they could easily afford it. You can't. No amount of guilt will magic up enough money to fund them as lifelong students. I'm about to do another degree myself, but only because I managed to get a loan to cover it and it's part time, so I can work as well.

Yanbu. But definitely direct your ire at you DH who is taking advantage. Let me guess, you share all the household Bill's too? Would he be a lot less well off financially without you?

Earnt*
Bills*

@Tenner OP says they are in debt.

Northern, oh I missed that

In what way is it costing you personally? Is it that you are paying more of the bills?

With your SS being a recent graduate, would he be working if he wan't doing the Masters or will he just be out of work becuse of Covid? How would he support himself then?

I said YABU because ultimately the decision about supporting his kids is up to your DH and if you disagree, your problem is with him not the (adult) children. Bail if you can't stand it.

Tell your husband to advise the kids to get postgrad loans if they want to stay in education. Student Finance England do a Masters loan.

I don’t blame you for feeling resentful tbh.

You said your husband earns in euros. Do his dsc live in Europe somewhere? If so, it’s normal for parents to support their dc through uni and then postgrad education. Tuition fees are very low in comparison to here and there aren’t the same range of loans either. We have family in Belgium and Germany and there everyone supports their children financially in higher education. I think your clash could be cultural as it’s just a different mindset.

The problem is not your DSS’s, it’s your DH. Just because his dad ex wants to help finance them it doesn’t mean that he has to do what he’s told. I do think supporting through a first degree is the right thing to do but it’s fair to stop beyond that and have limits.

You need to tell your husband that if he wants to support his kids that's up to him. Separate your finances and pay half your living expenses each. Let him be skint.

You said your husband earns in euros. Do his dsc live in Europe somewhere? If so, it’s normal for parents to support their dc through uni and then postgrad education. Tuition fees are very low in comparison to here and there aren’t the same range of loans either.

true. Context would be useful here. I know that the kids if my German friends don't qualify for a state loan which is parent income based and there are no other loans for students so parents have to fund it.

Where are you in the EU?

People answering from a U.K. perspective probably don't understand that there are often no "student loans" available and that in most EU countries you need a masters to compete on the job market.

OTOH you definitely don't have to fund someone else's adult kids: they can get loans. Once they are funding their own studies they may make different choices. Are they not eligible for any state help eg housing benefit or student grants?

Lastly, the choice of what to do with his money is up to your DH - but you don't have to contribute. You might have to consider separating any joint bank accounts if this is an on-going issue.

So just tell your husband you are no longer prepared to finance his kids, put your money in a separate account work out the household bills, pay half to cover them and keep the rest

Then it’s up to him to sort out what he can then afford for his kids

They are not your kids so I don’t see why you should spend your money on them

Separate your finances. The funding of adult children (or not) is between your dh and his ex wife.

Can you give a deadline for your help? So if your stepson is in his final year, make it clear all support stops in June or whatever.

Your anger towards your DPs ex seems misplaced. She hasn't "allowed" the children to continue their education or live in the city centre, they have made those decisions as adults and she has agreed to help finance them. How is she calling the shots or making your DP do anything? It's not like she can block access to the children or make life difficult, they are adults. The problem is your DP.
I wouldn't be financing a second degree or a masters.

If you're having to pay more than 50% of bills to make up for it, your oh is totally h reasonable.

If however you for instance work part time and contribute only 25%, you are being unreasonable.

I know a lot of parents do support children through degrees but they don't have to. I have numerous friends who received 0 support and got jobs to get themselves through.

It's the 2nd degree and the masters that's the issue for me. When will they ever become financially independent if mummy and daddy are still paying for them in their mid to late twenties? It's their choice to stay in education therefore they need to find a way to make it possible and not continue to be a financial burden!

If you all live in Europe which country is it? Some of the European countries pay child benefit until the age of 27 if the young person is studying full-time at a university.

Or are the kids in the UK and you are in Europe?

Have you been paying more towards the house and bills because DH has been paying towards his kids? I don't think 700 GBP a month for both of them is that much really if he earns 3000 Euros a month.

I don't understand how he's still under his ex wife's thumb in this way? I appreciate that when the kids are young it can be hard to say no to their mum if she's the primary carer because she can make life very difficult, but his children are adults. What hold does she have on him at this point? Surely if she insists he pays for something he just says "No, I won't be doing that". End of story... right?

My parents have barely said 2 words to each other since my brother and I finished high school all those years ago. As we flew the nest there was no more reason for them to stay in contact. I think my wedding is the only time they've seen each other in all those years.