To think we will never stop paying for my DSC

[Clueless72]

Firstly I know that it is the right thing to do to help you kids through university, I have no issue with that, what I do have an issue with is my dsd spent 4 years being financed through university, she failed 2 years but insisted she had to prove herself, she passed her final year and then decided this wasn't the degree for her so embarked on another degree. Meanwhile my dss is in his final year at uni, his rent has been extortionate because he insisted on living in the city centre and to live on his own. Now get this, my husband is elf employed and earns roughly 3,000 euros a month, his kids are costing him £700 a month, they are 21 and 24. They have jobs during the holidays but don't work while at uni, why should they? I'd clung on to the thought that it's only another year until my dss leaves uni and gets a job but he's now applying to do a masters which will again be financed by us. I came into this partnership with my own money which has partly covered years of education, to kids who aren't mine, we are skint and in debt, resentful doesn't begin to cover it!

Good points above. Our divorce consent order says I (mother) pay school and university costs and maintenance when there, not their father (who pays nothing). It is a good idea to check what the one here says.

Also every family differs in what they agree over these things and it can be a good idea to discuss it before melding two families. Eg in my case I will pay for their education including post grad if needed and help with a first home and a small sum towards a wedding but nothing further. That is in return for their not taking out a student loan or having student debt/over draft. That is very different from some other families.

One reason I have not moved a man in here since my divorce is that I want to be taking decisions alone and spending my money as I choose and I want every penny going to the children not to a new spouse.

Where are you OP? Because if you're in Europe, this can be very common. I have one SIL and a number of friends/colleagues etc from Europe and this seems to be pretty common. Uni is relatively cheap but all costs are met by parents and second or higher degrees are normal. I hate to break it to you, but if they don't get jobs, or even if they do, there's still a remarkably casual attitude to continuing to live with parents/ be supported by them.

I would never have paid for their education from my own pocket.

Support up to degree level... yes. Beyond that? No. It’s ridiculous. Will they be 28 or 30 and still taking your money whilst studying? Good grief. I’d be furious.

YANBU.

You aren't married, so you have no legal obligation to your partner's kids. Assuming you keep your finances separate, which I really hope you do, I would suggest that you agree what you each pay towards your joint (you and him - not kids) living expenses (it should be 50/50). How he chooses to fund his DD is then up to him.

Regarding your DD, I would suggest you tell her just how long you are prepared to fund her e.g. another year. After that, she's on her own. Sounds harsh, but you have to cut the apron strings at some point or she will never grow up as an independent adult.

Jaxhog why do you say they're not married? OP refers to him as her husband.

It is as you say about divorced parents not wanting to be seen as the bad one and guilt. As you say their mum has more money and funds her half of these things.

It's one of those things that is easier to do in a nuclear family as you usually share the same philosophy or at least the fight is concentrated in one household if there is disagreement.

My parents are generous and paid for my siblings' and mine's education all the way through postgraduate. My brother worked really hard and was given full tuition scholarships from his second year and my parents still gave him his tuition and living expenses money every year as they had set that aside for him.

I worked and studied and got scholarships as well so had a very comfortable student life as my parents still paid for my tuition, living expenses and rent. My sister chose not to work and was still comfortable. It has meant my brother and I graduated with substantial savings that I possibly couldn't replicate in 3 years of an entry level job, money that has gone into house deposits for us both.

This would have been impossible if my parent's had split and remarried, as it would have required both new partners to be on the same page and not resent money going to adult children although it was already earmarked for them. I see both sides. It is difficult to dund this from OP's end and some parents will sacrifice everything for their children (argument to be had about that being wise) but it is difficult to expect a new partner to do so.

That being said, I have split for my DCs' dad and intend to replicate what my parents did for me for them, so will not be remarrying or moving in with any partner. My financial decisions regarding my children will not be influenced by anyone.

You do whatever you want but I'm telling you it's in your children's best interests to have some form of employment before they graduate. Otherwise you have a sea of 5000 graduate CVs and nothing to set them apart from any of the others.
consider my self 'telt'

They are both going to be very marketable so I am not over concerned
Also have done summer jobs,but linked to their future career ,

They are both going to be very marketable so I am not over concerned

Yes, most of the graduates I send to the reject pile think that about themselves too.

Im no help with the step children I'm afraid, but very keen to learn more about Elf Employment. Pay looks good, what about holidays? 😁

I voted YABU.
Only because you should have piped up years ago about funding his children, which you didn't have to do. Let him and his ex sort this out.

I think it's time to say you helped with the first degree now their on their own.

YANBU but what do you want us to do?

Your DH needs to grow a spine and you need to tell him you are not financing his ADULT children any longer, nor will you be financing him and mean it.

Tough love.

@Adayintheriver

Im no help with the step children I'm afraid, but very keen to learn more about Elf Employment. Pay looks good, what about holidays? 😁

Damn you, I came to make pretty much this exact same comment 😁

The ex wife does not make decisions for you or your DH.
You need to sit down with your DH and come up with a clear consistent message. Part funding 1 degree is fine but 2 is not an automatic right. Just because ex wife thinks it’s okay, doesn’t make it automatically okay with you. And a set amount for accommodation- anything more expensive needs to be funded by ex wife or by working. She isn’t in control of your finances so don’t let her, and tell your DH to stand up for himself, and you.

It's none of your business how much of his money he funds his kids. I will fund my DD's as much as I want and vice versa for my dp.

It's her business if that's her own money spent on the children that are not hers.

Question is: why are you still with him? Clearly you are unhappy, skint, can't see a way out and your partner is a guilt ridden doormat.

I hear you OP!! DSS been working now for 18 months and we still pay his £80 a month phone bill 🤷🏻‍♀️. After reading your post I feel I've gotten off lightly!!!

The problem is your sh I'm sorry to say but it's not unusual. My God daughter was furious with her mother who finally refused to fund a third degree for her. Her DJ was prepared to carry on funding indefinitely rather than face the situation honestly and tell his dad she had run out of rope. Its complicated for 3veryone but the financial facts of life have to be faced by everyone involved. Perhaps your sh could begin by having a conversation with his ex wife? Best if they present a United front if possible.

Payment stops at 21 and not when they finish titting around!

It sounds like your DHs ex is running your lives and finances. Its time you took control of your own life back. Ime sure there isn't much possibility but just assuming that after all the degrees are finished and paid for, your husband got back with his ex and they started living a nice happy life with all that behind them. How would you feel. Well that's exactly why you need to change things.

God, wish I’d thought of this lark. Fanny around with the first degree. Then do a second. Then a masters. Then a PHD. Or maybe just change my mind again and do another bachelors. All supported by the bank of mum dad and stepmum.

You have a dh problem. What do you get out of this relationship? Honestly I woupd leave him of he was that gutless to stand up to the ex. By all means help if you can afford to, a percentage towards fees but i wouldn't be paying the whole lot. His kids are adults but they are still his kids. Where will it end though? What about when they need help for a deposit or to pay for their weddings? Is the bank of dad and stepmum endless? He has to cut the purse strings eventually! I wouldnt want to pay out for my own kids forever, I fully expect them to stand on their own two feet eventually and not expect handouts forever. So I can understand why you are pissed.

Most parents on mumsnet seem to think that supporting their kids financially through uni is normal, even if it lands them in debt or they have to make do. Maybe it is due to the demographic that mumsnet attracts?

I came from a working class background and knew that if i wanted to go to uni I would have to get a loan, so I did. I stayed at home and went to a a russel group uni to save money and got a part time job. My degree took four years to complete and was full on in terms of contact time so taking retail shifts during termtime was difficult but if I could get overtime in holidays would take it. It taught me resilience and how to manage my time effectively. My parents helped me out by taking a small amount of keep from me and cooking and cleaning for me.

I now have a middle class job and could afford to help my kids out with fees should they be introduced and should my kids want to get to uni but I would rather they got part time jobs and made sacrifices as I had to. I think it makes you work that much harder to succeed than if everything is handed to you on a plate.

Yanbu, seriously think about what this relationship adds to your life. If it doesn't enrich it, let it go.

Support a first degree yes, a second degree or masters no.