To think we will never stop paying for my DSC

[Clueless72]

Firstly I know that it is the right thing to do to help you kids through university, I have no issue with that, what I do have an issue with is my dsd spent 4 years being financed through university, she failed 2 years but insisted she had to prove herself, she passed her final year and then decided this wasn't the degree for her so embarked on another degree. Meanwhile my dss is in his final year at uni, his rent has been extortionate because he insisted on living in the city centre and to live on his own. Now get this, my husband is elf employed and earns roughly 3,000 euros a month, his kids are costing him £700 a month, they are 21 and 24. They have jobs during the holidays but don't work while at uni, why should they? I'd clung on to the thought that it's only another year until my dss leaves uni and gets a job but he's now applying to do a masters which will again be financed by us. I came into this partnership with my own money which has partly covered years of education, to kids who aren't mine, we are skint and in debt, resentful doesn't begin to cover it!

OP ... Why use the abbreviations 'DSD & DSS' when it's evident that you think of them as anything but 'darling' ?

Some men just can't win can they! It's either deadbeat Dads who don't care and even this guy who wants the best and is as supportive as possible of his children STILL can't win!

Are you a mother yourself?

Are you resentful that he has children with someone else? (Tough pap really, 'cause they were likely there before you)
Are you jealous that his children's mother still has a tie to him?

You're complaining about young adults being supported to study by their own father and suggesting they grow up and stand on their own 2 feet and yet here you are, whinging and having a paddy on the internet to strangers instead of sitting down with your husband and having a 'grown up' conversation about how you feel.

Most parents on mumsnet seem to think that supporting their kids financially through uni is normal, even if it lands them in debt or they have to make do

Tbh it's only on MN I discovered parents didn't think it normal or okay to support their children through uni and that it was normal to charge them rent. But then I've led a sheltered life I suppose

Your oh needs to stop paying and stop being a mug.

When I did my masters and doctorate I was fortunate enough to get a studentship which covered my tuition fees but I still had to work to pay for my rent, food, fuel etc. I did tutoring at the university plus a variety of other job (mostly call centers) and still managed to complete all my degrees on time.

These pampered young princes and princesses need to learn to stand on their own two feet if they want to go on to do higher degrees. Already too much has been spent on them. Do they expect you and their father to go on financing them forever?

"I have decided that I am no longer contributing more to our outgoings, than our outgoings. What you choose to pay for your adult children is up to you, but I will be paying 50% to our bills and you pay the same"

IT wont be until he actually has to front up the whole cost himself that he will cop on.

@Elfblossom. You realise this is a chat forum? People come here to chat, vent, elicit response and advice? You’re rather harsh, I think.

I would knock this on the head. If your DH wants to pay he can after his contribution to your household he can but you no longer pay anything. It probably won't stop with two degrees. When I was studying full time I had a part time job and when I was working full time I studied part time.

I can certainly understand your DH wanting to finance his children through university. I applaud you for supporting that

However, there is financing and there in financing

It’s certainly reasonable to set a budget of what you’re willing to finance and the “children” work towards a budget. Be that funding accommodation, tuition, food and expenses out if a set budget which may mean sharing a group house or flat.

Financing through one degree seems fair. Thereafter the “child” should finance themselves by putting to use their degree and earning some money.

These “children” are really taking the puss BUT if it’s what they have been lead to s is t, blame can also be laid at the door of your DH.

He needs to communicate what he’s will to finance going forward and the kids cut their cloth accordingly.

You are all within your rights to say you are no longer contributing. You have been very generous. Also, be prepared not to receive any thanks or gratitude.

I think it has to stop. My son did an extra year in 6th form, started a degree course in his second year he packed it in decided he hated it and wanted to come closer to home. We helped him with fees up to that point. Then he sorted everything himself got a loan and a part time job and supported himself at that point as he was 22. Successfully completed the degree and now has a fantastic job. I think when he was 22 and starting his second degree he financed he suddenly grew up and realised the grim facts of life regarding money. I think it was beneficial. We didnt force this, he did it himself.

I think your step kids have been spoiled and the money has to stop or it woll carry on forever eg when they want a new car