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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we will never stop paying for my DSC

159 replies

Clueless72 · 02/09/2020 04:21

Firstly I know that it is the right thing to do to help you kids through university, I have no issue with that, what I do have an issue with is my dsd spent 4 years being financed through university, she failed 2 years but insisted she had to prove herself, she passed her final year and then decided this wasn't the degree for her so embarked on another degree. Meanwhile my dss is in his final year at uni, his rent has been extortionate because he insisted on living in the city centre and to live on his own. Now get this, my husband is elf employed and earns roughly 3,000 euros a month, his kids are costing him £700 a month, they are 21 and 24. They have jobs during the holidays but don't work while at uni, why should they? I'd clung on to the thought that it's only another year until my dss leaves uni and gets a job but he's now applying to do a masters which will again be financed by us. I came into this partnership with my own money which has partly covered years of education, to kids who aren't mine, we are skint and in debt, resentful doesn't begin to cover it!

OP posts:

VivaMiltonKeynes · 02/09/2020 07:55

700 a month for 2 of them is not a lot . However I think you need to make it clear that you are not subsidising a Masters which can be incredibly expensive . My son's tuition fees were 23K alone without living expenses . Your H needs to state this to his EX .

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2020 07:56

If its Ireland she's in, we don't get Child benefit till 27, 18 only

PickAPick · 02/09/2020 07:57

Agree with everyone here. You can't force your husband to stop funding his adult children. But you can stop doing so yourself and you'd definitely not be unreasonable to.

Separate your finances, pay your half of the bills and keep the rest. Leave your husband then to decide what he can afford with the rest of his money once his share of bills has been covered. Don't 'make up' his shortfall because he's still paying for DSC, make it clear you won't do this anymore if that's what you've been doing.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 02/09/2020 07:57

In fact the more I think of it how is it only 700? 350 each - that's not even rent never mind anything else .

KeepingPlain · 02/09/2020 07:57

Tough but true, I'm well aware I've been an idiot

Sorry but what you've said is true. You have been an idiot. You got involved with a man who has kids, you can't tell him how to spend his money on them. You can suggest he's being a complete moron and not setting them up for life, but you didn't have to stay and support him through that idiocy. You could have left and refused to use your money in that way.

For that, yabu. It was your choice to stay, can't start blaming them now. You've helped in creating what's happened. They can't stand on their own two feet and pay their own bills because of what all three of you have done.

Nomorepies · 02/09/2020 07:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Suzi888 · 02/09/2020 08:02

Why can’t they work? I worked weekends all through Uni and during the summer holidays.

Why are living in student accommodation if they can’t afford it.

Wasting all that time on a degree then changing her mind?! Tough toenails - that’s what evening classes are for. She needs to grow up and stop sponging.

YANBU

Enoughnowstop · 02/09/2020 08:03

Her decision to allow my dsd to do another degree and fund it after 4 wasted years, her decision to allow her son to live in a city centre apartment on his own, cheaper to live with other students further out but she never says no

No. None of this is the ex’s decisions or responsibility. You need to try a bit harder.

Interestingly enough, under a different username years ago, I wrote about how I was looking forward to my kids leaving home and restarting my life and doing stuff for me. That included letting them fend for themselves financially. I was slated, told in no uncertain terms it was nothing other than abandonment and that I was a terrible mother. Seems only step children are a burden into adulthood.

Pumpkinnose · 02/09/2020 08:04

I would always help my kids. I work so hard now so I can in the future. Unless they are addicts I will help them.

If as a step parent you didn’t want to then you should have kept your money separate and/or made it clear.

Sounds like you have relationship issues here.

RandomTree · 02/09/2020 08:04

OP, I think some of the people voting YABU may be saying that you are unreasonable to keep allowOMG this situation to continue - not that you are unreasonable not to want to keep financing your DSC now they are adults.

Separate your finances from your DH and make your own financial decisions.

RandomTree · 02/09/2020 08:05

Not sure where the OMG came from!

TwoFlatWhitesToWakeUp · 02/09/2020 08:08

Sorry, but this is just shoddy parenting. This may sound a bit harsh but I have made it very clear to my DC what we will and won't pay for.

My DC go to a private school and are now in secondary and I've already made it very clear that this is a privilege, that we will help them with Uni fees and costs as much as we can and we will give them their first months rent and deposit, then that is it. We will help out a bit with a wedding, but no more money. Unless there is a global catastrophe with mass unemployment then the money tree stops there. I am more than happy for my DC to live in my house for as long as they want to save money. As soon as they leave Uni they are expected to get a job. If they go on to do a masters or go travelling, that is their lifestyle choice and not my responsibility. If your DC has done well at school and gone to Uni then you have done all you can and more to set them up for life and enable a successful career.

Your DH is a lucky guy isn't he? He got to find himself another partner who is funding his children. I wouldn't do it. It sounds to me like his DC just don't want to get a job. They will be asking him for money forever if you don't stop it now. You need to give them a deadline of when the money train ends and say they have to get their act together by then.

Kasparovski · 02/09/2020 08:09

but secomd degrees and masters are ‘frills’
Disagree with this. With some degrees like chemistry and biology a follow-on specialisation is the norm to access any reasonable level of graduate employment.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 02/09/2020 08:12

Whilst I agree that it sounds very unfair on you, I think your anger is directed at the wrong person. You clearly agreed to this years ago and now its come back to bite you on the ass. You should have set boundaries years ago and stated clearly that his children's education are his responsibility. Of course you feel resentful- because you havent been respecting your own boundaries for years. You are like a pressure cooker and something will blow if you dont step back now and say enough.

You have the ability and the choice to do this easily. Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is why you havent/dont want to? what are you afraid of? I think examining the answer to this question will be very helpful (if challenging) for you.

TwoFlatWhitesToWakeUp · 02/09/2020 08:13

That included letting them fend for themselves financially.

Enough, I used to work for a charity that deals with debt and I'd say 75% of the clients I had were under 25 and had no life skills. People tell me I am tough on my DC but I can see already that they are very independent and resilient.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 02/09/2020 08:17

I do think people should support their children through university (the first degree) but that means basic to mid range shared accommodation, not living alone as a student! Nobody can afford that! IMO it woud be unreasonable to begrudge that, but reasonable to say you (adult child) sort your own finances after being supported through one degree.

You use Euros in your post though - are you in Ireland or another EU country? In some EU countries in continental Europe (Germany for certain) parents are legally obligated to support their offspring while they rmain in education, up to the age of 27.

So which country you and your SC live in makes a massive difference to whether you are being unreasonable at this point.

Obviously sseperate finances and probably maintaining completely seperate households and not marrying their father (remaining simply a dating couple living separately) so that you weren't assessed as a household would have been a good idea if you haven't brought the children up and don't see them as yours. Once you move in with someone who has children they still support the waters are murkey - probably best avoided unless you want to commit to the family unit, not just one parent!

gurglebelly · 02/09/2020 08:17

@Clueless72

Yes she does and that's her choice because they're all her decisions. Her decision to allow my dsd to do another degree and fund it after 4 wasted years, her decision to allow her son to live in a city centre apartment on his own, cheaper to live with other students further out but she never says no. She still expects my husband to match everything but she's got more money than us and these kids are no longer kids ffs!

Well then surely he just says no? She doesn't control him, it's not her money to spend.

Your husband just says 'sorry, we were happy to support your first degree but you are adults now and we can't support you indefinitely, so if you want to do a masters/second degree you will need to find a way to finance it yourself'.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 02/09/2020 08:19

TwoFlatWhitesToWakeUp if you used to work for a debt charity surely you know you'd be better giving them their rent than their fees! Paying fees but leaving them to cover rent makes no financial sense at all under the UK system!

TwoFlatWhitesToWakeUp · 02/09/2020 08:29

we will help them with Uni fees and costs

Costs as in rent, travel, food, utilities, books etc. All costs associated with being at Uni whether you are living at home or away.

Advicewouldbeappreciated · 02/09/2020 08:31

As someone who self funded university this would have made my life much better.
However, one degree yes.
Multiple degrees is an effort to avoid proper work and continue to be bankrolled.
He is doing them a disservice and preventing their independence which will cost them in the long run. They need to learn to stand on their 2 feet themselves and have lifestyles according to their cloth.
Also, at the end of each child's first degree is the time for you to say no more from you.
I would be pissed off also but think he has been a good dad to support them through uni.

LannieDuck · 02/09/2020 08:31

@Clueless72

It's her choice to fund it all, but these 'kids' are adults. It's DSD's decision to do another degree (not Ex), and DSS's decision to live in a city centre apartment (not Ex).

How they pay for that is up to them... lucky for them, they have an extremely generous Mum.

Your DH is allowed to say 'no', and if he doesn't want to you're also allowed to say 'no' and separate out your finances.

MarthasGinYard · 02/09/2020 08:38

'Your husband just says 'sorry, we were happy to support your first degree but you are adults now and we can't support you indefinitely, so if you want to do a masters/second degree you will need to find a way to finance it yourself'.'

Exactly this, and he deals with it.

They are indulged adults

I am stunned

Not a chance would I have contributed to all this.

QuestionMarkNow · 02/09/2020 08:38

Which country are you living in?
I suspect you have a massive cultural difference here (I personally was shocked arriving in the U.K. by the emphasis on considering someone at 18yo is an adult and is expected to ‘earn their way’ as soon as they are 18)

You also have the issue that your partner is spineless. You don’t give 2/3 of your wage away if you can’t live on what is left. BUT I also know quite a few people who are doing just that in my home country.... because that’s what is expected. Both from students and parents (unless you really have little money which is not the case with 3000 euros a month)

paap1975 · 02/09/2020 08:42

My SS is 35 and several times a year we get requests/demands to bail him out (to the tune of £5000 in the last 12 months). He has never finished anything he started, never held down a job, never sorted out any paperwork, insurance, MOT, etc. He stopped paying his mortgage. He is now back living with his mother.
Every time DH says it's the last time, but I know he'll never stop, he is his son.
The only progress that has been made is that SS is now seeing a psychiatrist to help him with his issues.

WilsonMilson · 02/09/2020 08:45

OP, I could have written your post.
Very similar situation, and in fact my DH pays far more than yours does, although it’s all relative.
It’s my DH who is the problem, but it only causes arguments to approach the matter, and somehow I end up the bad one. I’ve been at my wits end at times.
I’ve no advice really, just solidarity as it’s absolutely shit and creates immense resentment. I didn’t sign up for this continuing into their adulthood.

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