To think we will never stop paying for my DSC

[Clueless72]

Firstly I know that it is the right thing to do to help you kids through university, I have no issue with that, what I do have an issue with is my dsd spent 4 years being financed through university, she failed 2 years but insisted she had to prove herself, she passed her final year and then decided this wasn't the degree for her so embarked on another degree. Meanwhile my dss is in his final year at uni, his rent has been extortionate because he insisted on living in the city centre and to live on his own. Now get this, my husband is elf employed and earns roughly 3,000 euros a month, his kids are costing him £700 a month, they are 21 and 24. They have jobs during the holidays but don't work while at uni, why should they? I'd clung on to the thought that it's only another year until my dss leaves uni and gets a job but he's now applying to do a masters which will again be financed by us. I came into this partnership with my own money which has partly covered years of education, to kids who aren't mine, we are skint and in debt, resentful doesn't begin to cover it!

If in the uk then student finance will take into account the total income of the household regardless of whose kids they are.

I did a Masters and a post-grad diploma, but I receiving funding for both of them. In fact, one of the reasons I became a lawyer was because I received funding from the law firm I trained with to do the diploma you have to do if you want to become a solicitor, they paid the fees and gave me something to live on.

If my son wanted to do a Masters I would pay for it because I can afford it and only have one child - and also in the current climate it probably makes sense for young adults to remain students for as long as possible as the jobs just aren't there. But that's another issue to effectively being told by another household that I am expected to part-fund their childrens' lifestyle choices. OP they're not your kids and it's not your responsibility. As others have said, ring-fence your finances and contribution to the household.

Multiple degrees is an effort to avoid proper work and continue to be bankrolled seems reasonable during covid to be honest, what else are they going to do if the jobs just aren't there?

If in the uk then student finance will take into account the total income of the household regardless of whose kids they are but that is only for first degrees and for the under 25s I think? Not that it is fair in any case.

No no no. This is all so wrong. You shouldn’t be paying for them anymore.

Helping them through their first degree when they’re 18 - ok.
But how long are they going to drag this out for? When they eventually finally leave uni they’ll then need something else and it will just carry on.

Sorry TwoFlatWhites I guess I missunderstood "and we will give them their first months rent and deposit, then that is it"

seems reasonable during covid to be honest, what else are they going to do if the jobs just aren't there?

Surely it's only reasonable if they can be funded to do so. Not if they are relying on parents to continue to fund said education at a time when parents may also be facing financial difficulties.

Keep your income separate. 50/50 bills and mortgage. Then he finances solely his dscs. No need for you to contribute. Problem solved.

This

@cologne4711

I did a Masters and a post-grad diploma, but I receiving funding for both of them. In fact, one of the reasons I became a lawyer was because I received funding from the law firm I trained with to do the diploma you have to do if you want to become a solicitor, they paid the fees and gave me something to live on.

If my son wanted to do a Masters I would pay for it because I can afford it and only have one child - and also in the current climate it probably makes sense for young adults to remain students for as long as possible as the jobs just aren't there. But that's another issue to effectively being told by another household that I am expected to part-fund their childrens' lifestyle choices. OP they're not your kids and it's not your responsibility. As others have said, ring-fence your finances and contribution to the household.

Multiple degrees is an effort to avoid proper work and continue to be bankrolled seems reasonable during covid to be honest, what else are they going to do if the jobs just aren't there?

I also have two postgrad degrees which were funded. In my field a self funded postgrad means you are doing it as a vanity project or hobby rather than a career development opportnity. There are, even during covid, minimum wage jobs. Care work, supermarkets, and so on. Lots of agencies offering work. Proper work will look good on a CV. It isn't reasonable because they are expecting to be paid for it, instead of growing up and keeping themselves. They are early 20s not teenagers, people have children and mortgages by that age. Remaining students means not growing up and being responsible, unless the progression is clear e.g.a PhD in STEM, Medicine, Law. Where the investment will pay in the long term. Which I would also help fund. Otherwise they would be learning the value of money. It is a vital life skill.

People are deluding themselves if they think their precious darlings can't find jobs.

I accept if you're doing medicine or similar you obviously can't work but if you're doing an English degree (which I did, by the way, so I'm not slagging it off), you can easily work. I did a 20 hour a week part time job throughout my 3 years at uni. My sister has just graduated and also worked between 15 and 25 hours at Starbucks throughout her degree.

I recruit graduates now and it gives them an edge. It is worth doing. I prefer paid work like that to internships when I'm hiring.

If you can't afford to pay for his masters, then don't. He can fund it himself. Many people do a masters part time so they can work to keep themselves. And many also get funding from an institution or a work-related sponsorship. He has to investigate all of these options before he assumes you'll keep funding him.

If you are feeling impoverished, with no savings as you approach middle age... that's dangerous. Will they pay for you when you are old? Or will they say, not my real mum, not my responsibility?

They are adults. Discuss this with them as adults. Explain how much you have already laid out and what your current and future expenses are. Tell them what they have to contribute from now on.

I had a colleague whose son received his first degree. Then she gave him thousands to backpack round Australia for a year. Then another few thousand to take a Masters at a very expensive London University.
And was moaning about having no money.
She was making him indulged and entitled and preventing him from developing real world skills. Young people don't want to be responsible anymore-there is too much expensive stuff to do. It used to be where people got a job, got a house and took responsibility for themselves from an early age. Now everybody feels entitled to more. That's fine if you're the one paying for it.
If you aren't you get your head down and get on with it.
I often think the reason the Tories got in is because nobody sees themselves as working class. They all think they're middle class because they get cars on finance and loans and family help for more and more courses with no incentive to get a job.

Time for a serious talk with your husband and tell him no more.

If he goes of on one it’s time to leave. Seriously leave as this won’t change if he doesn’t see anything wrong with you bankrolling it and now you have debt. Can’t he see you both can no longer afford their lifestyle

It’s time that your step kids get on with being an adult yes there will be fallout so what they need to stand on there own two feet now

Totally agree with your husband supporting his kids through university if he's in a financial position to do so. But at 24 and going on to do a master's .... Well maybe the financial arrangements do need to be looked at again.

However, and I mean this kindly .... Your husband's money and his kids ... Well that's totally up to him what way he supports them.
Your money ... You can decide to keep your money seperate and not contribute.

My understanding is that it's generally the done thing to support a child through a first degree, but after that - second degree, post-grad, whatever - they get loans.
That's what I did. My parents were very generous through my first degree, and paid everything. But when I returned to do teacher training, I had to fund that myself through loans.

But, tbh, you don't have a kid problem, you have a DH and ex-wife problem. It's easier to blame and harangue the "kids" than have difficult conversations with the "grown-ups".

As an aside, my (much older) cousin was a perpetual student.

Went to three different universities over the course of about 8 years, attempting to get his degree, and even then, STILL didn't ever graduate with anything. The consensus seemed to be "laziness" rather than "lack of ability."

He has then spent the follow 25 years stumbling between entry-level "youth work" and "church outreach" sort of jobs. He's now pushing 50, with a wife and two sons to support, and is still clinging on to "youth work", trying to hang with teenagers at after school clubs, and uploading videos of himself doing pre-school songs with puppets, as he's now trying to set up a "mums and tots music group"...

The whole family are like "his poor wife..." we honestly don't know how she puts up with it.

In Ireland we have to support children through first degree unless they are over 23 and independent. But only the first undergrad and unless you are well off they work to pay for some of their expenses. Year resits and post grad are another matter and def post grads are looking for grants and saving up through work not bank of mum and dad.

No way 2nd degrees. That is on them to pay.
So I think you need to draw a line and have a difficult discussion. But you are not being unreasonable. Good luck.

I really don’t think it is at all normal
for hard up parents to be funding their adult children. I don’t even think there is really any expectation that wealthy parents should be supporting their adult children beyond their undergraduate degree. You are not being unreasonable!

They are adults. They need to start paying their own way - as long as you're their with your cheque book, they won't have any incentive to do anything else.

I think YABU, to yourself, with the very best of intentions.

You can say no. If you say no, then your dh has a choice as to whether he finances it anyway or whether he says no to his ex.

I think his kids are taking the piss just because they can.

When I think of the knots my dd and her Uni mates are going through to ensure they can pay their rent and bills and still eat, this sort of thing makes me quite cross. They'll be useless when they do eventually hit the job market as they'll never have actually stood on their own feet and they'll keep running to you.....

Well £3000 a month isn’t what I would call hard up though....

And for those who say that those young people will never be able to stand in their two feet because parents have been laying it all, that’s nit true either.
My parents did (like all parents did when I was a teen in France. No one was working - people whose parents were really struggling were getting a bursary). All of us have been able to get in with life wo any issue. And work too, like anyone else.

You should have separate own bank accounts, then one Joint bank account to pay for household bills, mortgage etc. You both contribute a percentage of your pay into this account, then keep the remainder for yourselves. If it's done that way then your DH money to his kids will come out of his portion not any joint account.
How are you finances divided? How are your monthly bills paid or divided currently?

The issue I have is the pissing around not working, failing exams etc....

The staying on his own. Again, what is the norm where the OP is living? Again, in France, it is still the norm to have your own studio/flat rather than house sharing (even though it does happen in very expensive towns such as Paris).

It’s impossible to judge what is or isn’t ok in another country with British standards....

@Clueless72

And how on earth any of you could think I'm being unreasonable, you have literally no idea how bloody reasonable I've been

You haven’t explained what the AIBU actually relates to.

I voted YABU, not because I think you should continue to fund this, but because I think it is absolutely insane that your DH and you have not put a stop to this years ago.

I think that parents should support up to degree level but then it must end.
The fact that your DSS lived on his own flat further in the city at much greater expense is not on either. No wonder he's keen to do a postgrad!
It's also incredible that your DSD did a whole degree and then decided that it was the wrong one. Students may swap after one year if they have made a mistake, or my sister did a conversion course post-degree for a year, but it sounds such an expensive waste of time - and then presumably she's going to want to do a postgrad too.
You've got to give your husband an ultimatum, this is too much for you.