To think we will never stop paying for my DSC

[Clueless72]

Firstly I know that it is the right thing to do to help you kids through university, I have no issue with that, what I do have an issue with is my dsd spent 4 years being financed through university, she failed 2 years but insisted she had to prove herself, she passed her final year and then decided this wasn't the degree for her so embarked on another degree. Meanwhile my dss is in his final year at uni, his rent has been extortionate because he insisted on living in the city centre and to live on his own. Now get this, my husband is elf employed and earns roughly 3,000 euros a month, his kids are costing him £700 a month, they are 21 and 24. They have jobs during the holidays but don't work while at uni, why should they? I'd clung on to the thought that it's only another year until my dss leaves uni and gets a job but he's now applying to do a masters which will again be financed by us. I came into this partnership with my own money which has partly covered years of education, to kids who aren't mine, we are skint and in debt, resentful doesn't begin to cover it!

I voted YABU but I am on the fence. Literally.

I have one DC. DH has two DC.

His DC is currently in Uni - DH sends him a small amount per month to top up his maintenance loan - just as we did for my DC when at Uni.

Sounds pretty fair on that score.

However my DC finished Uni - and has since been living at home for free - no job, not sure if he wants to do his Masters (loan available for that) and still been paying him a (lesser) amount to live on. Mental health isn't great so I haven't pushed it but...

I used to be pretty heartless with DC - as I left home at a young age and was very much self sufficient. Times are different now and it's not so easy just to walk into a job, find cheap place to rent etc. With stepfamilies there are other parents to throw into the mix so it has to be fair all round.

It will stop at some point - I have learnt to just be gracious and let 'em get on with it, obviously only if your household finances can stand it. Don't be the one to cause arguments about money - it never ends well.

I don't get how funding his kids through uni has got you and your dh in debt unless you're really bad with money. He has c.£2k left each month after contributing to his kids, then there is your income on top. That's way more than most people have.

I never understand why posters say kids who are supported through uni will end up spoiled and incapable of looking after themselves. My parents paid my rent at uni but I've worked full time since graduating, have a mortgage, a pension and am studying for professional quals in my own time.

I agree that the problem is your DH not standing up for himself / saying clearly what he is and isn’t prepared to pay for. But if he’s happy to pay for it then that’s surely fine? It’s his choice.

Your other choice is to separate your day to day finances so that his choices don’t affect you as much, and only he feels it.

I don’t see how the decisions can be his ex wife’s as surely it’s the kids choosing to do these things (although again surely each of them can choose whether to pay or not).

Yes it's never ending with kids YANBU. Keep finances seperate if you don't want to pay for his kids

I voted YABU because you have gone along with this for years and you keep doing threads about it. Nothing ever changes because you don't change anything.

People are deluding themselves if they think their precious darlings can't find jobs.

I accept if you're doing medicine or similar you obviously can't work but if you're doing an English degree (which I did, by the way, so I'm not slagging it off), you can easily work. I did a 20 hour a week part time job throughout my 3 years at uni. My sister has just graduated and also worked between 15 and 25 hours at Starbucks throughout her degree.

Good for you both.
I expect mine could work,but I don't wan them too ,and am happy to fully support them.

OP is not and that's fine too

I would just refuse. They choose to do another degree. Not your problem.

Your husband pays 700 euros a month for their education/rent. I pay over £4000 a month for 2 post grad (£20k fees - just paid it in one go, £6k rent for one which I pay monthly, £150 a week allowance x 2 children) . It is all just relative and everyone has different views. Their father pays nothing and had a large sum on our divorce from me as I earn more.

Do you earn 300 euros a month too - May be the answer is you and he keep your finances separate.

I don't think we can generalise as families vary. My parents paid for us all for our education (got only tiny minimum grant they had to make up) and that was for a long medicine course for one of us, law for me etc. I similarly am funding my children so they graduate debt free and pay for post grad if is a sensible course (my sons are doing law which I am happy with).

...3000 euros not 300....

Nah l would just stop contributing and wouldn’t be discuss it. Just make clear you / both of you have done enough. They aren’t your children and they need to take responsibility for their lifestyle choices; get a job, get loans, budget better etc

@Xenia

Your husband pays 700 euros a month for their education/rent. I pay over £4000 a month for 2 post grad (£20k fees - just paid it in one go, £6k rent for one which I pay monthly, £150 a week allowance x 2 children) . It is all just relative and everyone has different views. Their father pays nothing and had a large sum on our divorce from me as I earn more.

Do you earn 300 euros a month too - May be the answer is you and he keep your finances separate.

I don't think we can generalise as families vary. My parents paid for us all for our education (got only tiny minimum grant they had to make up) and that was for a long medicine course for one of us, law for me etc. I similarly am funding my children so they graduate debt free and pay for post grad if is a sensible course (my sons are doing law which I am happy with).

Great. This gave me a head ache. Time to feed the goats and go for a nice walk safe in the knowledge there will be no shortage of solicitors in the years to come.

Not your children, so you never had an obligation to pay, ever

You could have spent or saved your money on hobbies, no debt, pension, whatever

How much debt ?
Is it joint debt ?
Pay this off first

his ex wife makes the decisions, we pay

I wonder what she contributes when she can encourage her off-spring to sponge forever off their father? You need to stop now all suppport to them.

You can't borrow for retirement.

This is ridiculous. He can't afford it, you can't afford it, and yet he won't say no.

Tell your DH they'll have to fund themselves or you want a divorce. You're done subsidising adults when you're in debt yourself, and they're not even yours!

Protect your income and your retirement.

Time to stand up for yourself. Dont contribute if you don't want to. If your husband wants contribute, that's up to him. But he can only afford to do so after 50% of the debts and bills have been paid surely?

@zingally

As an aside, my (much older) cousin was a perpetual student.

Went to three different universities over the course of about 8 years, attempting to get his degree, and even then, STILL didn't ever graduate with anything. The consensus seemed to be "laziness" rather than "lack of ability."

He has then spent the follow 25 years stumbling between entry-level "youth work" and "church outreach" sort of jobs. He's now pushing 50, with a wife and two sons to support, and is still clinging on to "youth work", trying to hang with teenagers at after school clubs, and uploading videos of himself doing pre-school songs with puppets, as he's now trying to set up a "mums and tots music group"...

The whole family are like "his poor wife..." we honestly don't know how she puts up with it.

This is weirdly judgey about youth workers It’s not a well paid job but that doesn’t make it any less valid.

OP, it is entirely pointless to try and convince your DH again not to sponsor his adult children. If hasn't come to this conclusion by now it just won't happen. What you can do realistically is to get a very detailed monthly budget for your household (mortgage, utility bills, insurance, food) and split it in half. You contribute your half, he contributes his. For every meal out and holiday he must contribute a half. If he can afford to continue sponsoring his adult children after paying all the bills let him carry on and don't mention it again. Make it 100% clear your savings are nothing to do with him. You are not contributing to his children anymore in any shape or form.

@VivaMiltonKeynes

In fact the more I think of it how is it only 700? 350 each - that's not even rent never mind anything else .

I thought that too. Even if ex wife contributes the same it isn't enough to live on - I suppose they have student loan top ups.

Anyway, the elder one will not be a student for much longer so subsidising her will soon stop.

I expect mine could work,but I don't wan them too ,and am happy to fully support them.

You do whatever you want but I'm telling you it's in your children's best interests to have some form of employment before they graduate. Otherwise you have a sea of 5000 graduate CVs and nothing to set them apart from any of the others.

We paid for all ours to go through university and were happy to do so. They all managed on their student loans with us paying for the rent and the occasional top-up. They then went on to do post-grad courses and again, we funded their living costs.

We wanted them to be able to focus on achieving the necessary quals for their respective careers. They all achieved in STEM or Law and have great jobs, houses, etc. We feel it was money well spent.

I don't think that the amount your OH is contributing is high. I suspect if they were your children you wouldn't have an issue with it. You, personally, don't have to pay, your OH is another matter.

He divorced his wife, not their children.

YABU to moan about something you have willingly done for the past few years.

It sounds like you should be angry with yourself, not the DC.

OP, what does the financial settlement from the divorce say? Is this what he agreed to legally or is this just something he is choosing to do?

I don't think it's the ex-Wife's or DSCs' fault as either (1) this is what he committed to in the divorce (in which case, you should have been aware before marrying him) or (2) he is doing this completely willingly and not because of any legal obligation, in which case it's between you and him to sort out what you do with your money.

DSC are obviously accustomed to this setup and if they are planning further study, it's much fairer to tell them ASAP if the financial arrangements are changing - it would BVU to know they're applying for courses with the expectation of funding that has been promised previously by DH and not to give them a heads up that this is changing. Of course, if they've merely assumed and DH hasn't actually indicated that he's contributing to their masters, thats on them.

I also think DC need to start and think about living at home whilst in further education. Its great to have independence but it is now really costly. When I was at Uni I had my fees paid, a student grant and a hardship fund because I was from a single parent family. My Dad used to give me a couple of hundred a month and I had a p/t job. I was flush I used to buy all my food in M&S and buy loads of clothes.

We actually live in a University town with other Universities a short hop from us too. It is early days for my DC, but if they can get the grades on the courses they want in our own city, doesn't it sound a bit insane to be paying through the nose for them to live in a city hundreds of miles away and for them to accumulate debt?

It's none of your business how much of his money he funds his kids. I will fund my DD's as much as I want and vice versa for my dp.

When I was at Uni I had my fees paid, a student grant and a hardship fund because I was from a single parent family.

Me too Flat but students don't get their fees paid or cost of living grants these days, no matter what their financial situation.

I live in a city with two big universities but neither of my DC wanted to go there, they both wanted to study in London at superior unis. I have supported them all I can, but if anyone tried to tell me I shouldn't they would be swiftly told to Fuck Off.

The issue here appears to be that OP feels it is she who has been subsidising the DSC and she has decided she didn't want to.

I may have misunderstood though