Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

I agree it is quite rude and direct of this child to ask to come for a play date. I also hated being put in the spot at the school gates by my own DC asking 'can x come over after school' when x and mum are are standing right there and I feel under pressure to agree so I had to ask my DC not to spring this on me. Having said this, play dates and sleepovers at this age are very important and help to forge stronger friendships. Your DD will feel very much left out going forwarding she never has play dates with friends from school.

What’s so difficult about picking up your daughter and the friend at the same time and going home and dishing up a bit of extra tea and then a hour or so later the friends mum comes and picks her up?

You work until school pick up, hardly late into the night.

I agree it is quite rude and direct of this child to ask to come for a play date

They are nearly year 6! How long does it need to take to get an invite?

The girl is cheeky but I'd make the effort for my DC, and did many times, even in uniform. I'd particularly make the effort if my DC was an only.
Cousins are not the same.

For all the people criticising the OP and telling her how awful she is, how unfair she is, do you level the same accusations at mothers who have to use the before and after school clubs because they're working? Because those children rarely if ever get to have after school playdates for the same reason ... it's just that their mums' hours coincide with the care provisions completely.

Honestly OP, there's no rule anywhere that says you have to.

Right at this very moment I'm grinding my teeth listening to the squawks, screams and screeches of DD(10)'s absolutely obnoxious friend who has always been very "forward" like the child in the opening post.
She walked home from school with DD and they left just long enough to go back to her house to pick up her tablet and come straight back here. They are not welcome in her own house. No friends are.

Then she proceeded to announce that our "Wi-Fi is rubbish!" and her tablet won't play (they're too far from the router in that room).
She's loud, ill mannered and has today managed to knock both my DDs uniforms down from being hung up next to her, leaving them in a creased pile on the floor. She won't pick them up despite me asking. DD has to do it.

She's the type of child where you tell her to stop doing something and she bursts into laughter and does it again right in front of you.

DS had a brand new bed. Brand new. Slept in once. After hearing an almighty racket coming from upstairs shaking the ceiling I caught this girl sitting on his headboard and slamming down onto the mattress/pillows. I told her to stop, we don't do that here. She looked at me, laughed and slammed down again. I also had to go back up twice and eventually sent them outside.
At two days old a slat was already broken. DD wasn't party to this. She was sitting on her beanbag playing Minecraft.

With "spirited" kids like that you can clearly see why they invite themselves round to others houses. Their mums want rid!

And you didn’t say “Ok, time for you to go home now miss.”
Ds had some atrocious friends, one was marched home, never to return after almost burning our house down and trying to blame ds. He was fond of announcing a play date. Luckily his mum knew he was a danger and rarely allowed to.

Exactly Chester!! For those saying "it is so much easier having another round, they will just play together" - er no, those of us that have have these spirited children (aka ruddy rude and never reined in) round because we feel bad keep saying no, know 100% that this kid will be exactly as Chester describes.

Tell her mum she can come and get her in an hour - oh if only....the mum will be relishing the peace and OP will get a message "oh dear, been asked to do an errand and I will be there about 9 sorry!!!" No way will that child be only there a painful hour.

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

The point is that OP could quite easily do play dates for her DD but chooses not to. Obviously it would be different if OP was unable to because her DD was in afterschool care (although most working parents still do weekend playdates).

@ChesterDrawsDoesntExist

Honestly OP, there's no rule anywhere that says you have to.

Right at this very moment I'm grinding my teeth listening to the squawks, screams and screeches of DD(10)'s absolutely obnoxious friend who has always been very "forward" like the child in the opening post.
She walked home from school with DD and they left just long enough to go back to her house to pick up her tablet and come straight back here. They are not welcome in her own house. No friends are.

Then she proceeded to announce that our "Wi-Fi is rubbish!" and her tablet won't play (they're too far from the router in that room).
She's loud, ill mannered and has today managed to knock both my DDs uniforms down from being hung up next to her, leaving them in a creased pile on the floor. She won't pick them up despite me asking. DD has to do it.

She's the type of child where you tell her to stop doing something and she bursts into laughter and does it again right in front of you.

DS had a brand new bed. Brand new. Slept in once. After hearing an almighty racket coming from upstairs shaking the ceiling I caught this girl sitting on his headboard and slamming down onto the mattress/pillows. I told her to stop, we don't do that here. She looked at me, laughed and slammed down again. I also had to go back up twice and eventually sent them outside.
At two days old a slat was already broken. DD wasn't party to this. She was sitting on her beanbag playing Minecraft.

With "spirited" kids like that you can clearly see why they invite themselves round to others houses. Their mums want rid!

Ah Chester!!

That child wouldn't have past my door a second time.
I don't think I am alone.

I wouldn't feel under any obligation to have a child like that in my house.

Why would you want to facilitate that friendship?

AIBU? The majority say yes OP you are.
OP no I’m not blah blah blah!!

Also feel sorry for you daughter. At 10 they need next to no supervision so can't see how this impacts you. Say its OK as long as they stay in your daughter's room and if she can't get home off her own steam tell her parents to pick her up.

At 10 years old I don't see what role parents play in all this. It is you daughters home too and she wants a guest over. Where is the issue?

She’s cheeky and you sound lazy, a brilliant pair 😂

Have her over on the proviso her mum/dad have to collect her, that’s normal practice in any event.

@PinkiOcelot

AIBU? The majority say yes OP you are. OP no I’m not blah blah blah!!

I dont agree. I think it is very even

I think it's rude to invite yourself to someone else's house.

But at the end of half term I'd tell dd she can invite someone round as long as their parent can pick them up at x o'clock.

Then you'll fulfil your play date obligations.

*That child wouldn't have past my door a second time.
I don't think I am alone.

I wouldn't feel under any obligation to have a child like that in my house.

Why would you want to facilitate that friendship?*

@billy1966

Because of where we live it's a free rein type place where children don't tend to be dropped off or picked up by adults. They just appear at doors. And my open door policy of allowing friends round for my three kids has bitten me in the arse. Its hard to refuse specific kids without upsetting someone and this one's mum would not take it well. And in this tiny town, if you kick one, they all limp.

It's rare the kid is outright naughty (like with the bed) but she is rude and obnoxious almost constantly. Things like standing behind DD whispering, making her ask and repeatedly argue for a sleepover which I always say hell no to and it eventually ends up DD turning to her and forcibly whispering, "No, she's not letting us! She's gonna get real mad if I ask again!"

Happily she only turns up when her other mates have ditched her for a while.

The point is that OP could quite easily do play dates for her DD but chooses not to. Obviously it would be different if OP was unable to because her DD was in afterschool care (although most working parents still do weekend playdates).

But the primary argument is that the child is going to struggle to have friends, which clearly isn't necessarily true as most of the children I know in wrap around care have plenty of friends and do just fine with their friendships.

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

Yes if you never arrange playdates you're child will be more likely to be at a social disadvantage that is true. If you work all weekend and every week day until 7pm and you can't arrange playdates then there's nothing you can do about it but if you can easily arrange a playdate it's strange not to.

That child has been brought up badly. You don't invite yourself to someone's home! The mother should have stopped her child there and then. Why can't the mother invite your child over to theirs instead if they so desperately want a play date? I've come across people like this - they are always takers.

We are all different and there are different things about parenting that we like and dislike.

Do I have loads of time and energy to deal with other people’s kids? Do I fuck!!!!

Do I do it because it makes my daughter happy to play with children her age and show them her toys? (whilst making a crap ton of mess because she’s still little) yes.

My house is her home and even though she’s a fair few years off financially contributing she still gets enjoy herself at home.

I honestly can’t imagine how it feels for children who never get to run around their bedroom with their little mates or play with someone in the garden. Sounds miserable to me however you dress it up.

I have to agree with Keeva2017.

OP you say your daughters best friend is her cousin, or is it just that she knows that's the one person you will let her play with as she's close by, so asks to play with her.

I would have definitely let your daughter have her friend around. She's 10, they can play in the garden or house while you do all your after work jobs and drop her home after, even once a fortnight, it's only an hour journey. I get you are busy and tired but putting your daughters wants first once a fortnight or so, should not be such a hardship.

Chester why the bloody hell is that child still in your house. I'd have taken her home there and then and told the parents what a little brat she'd been.

Chester, you are very patient.

Neighbour or not I wouldn't put up with it.

Good luck

I think YANBU about this girl being rude but YABU about not having anyone round after school. It’s a bit miserable if your DD only ever really has her cousin round, particularly when you know she would like to have someone else round.
Presumably you are picking up from school so presumably 3/3.30pm ish which means it’s not difficult to get them round, let them play, throw a pizza in the oven and get them picked up at 6/630pm. Lots of people aren’t even getting in from work and the after school pick up until about then