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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

419 replies

Natureotter · 01/09/2020 08:52

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

OP posts:
bamboothrough · 02/09/2020 10:58

@LunchBoxPolice

Too tired after work to allow a play date ...but you had the time and energy for an affair with a married man.
Shock
sunglassesonthetable · 02/09/2020 11:17

Too many nice children with nice parents out there to be bothering with the CF brigade.😁

True but Then let your DD invite one of them over for tea after school!

sunglassesonthetable · 02/09/2020 11:18

Too tired after work to allow......

Feck off LunchBox Police.

Mittens030869 · 02/09/2020 11:33

Too many nice children with nice parents out there to be bothering with the CF brigade.😁

True but Then let your DD invite one of them over for tea after school!

^This! If the AIBU had only been about the pushy friend and her mum, then the responses would have been entirely different

Allington · 02/09/2020 12:50

^ yes, there would have been an entirely different response if the OP was:

'DD has a play date every 4-6 weeks with various friends, but now there's this girl who keeps asking... etc'

And those identifying CF-ery - well, the OP's perspective is she is being 'harassed' to the point she's hiding in her car to avoid the child. That perspective might be completely accurate, or may be a huge exaggeration. Impossible to tell.

Either way, it is reasonable for a 10 year old to be allowed an out-of-school get together now and again with a friend of their choosing.

funnylittlefloozie · 02/09/2020 17:36

Its interesting that theres been no mention how the OPs daughter actually feels. Has she asked you if this other kid can come round for tea, or are you getting the feeling that she isnt keen, is being a bit steamrollered by the other girl and is actually glad you are saying no?

Really, its about her feelings here. If she wants someone round for tea, its a bit mean to always say no. If she doesn't want anyone round, then its fine.

Porcupineinwaiting · 02/09/2020 17:48

@funnylittlefloozie the OP answers that upthread. She says her dd would like the child round.

MadMadaMim · 02/09/2020 18:15

YANBU re the rudeness - I would have said something to her mum there and then: "please could you explain to your daughter how playdates work as this is t the first time we've had this conversation."

YABU about making such a big deal of the whole thing. They're 10. You don't need to do anything except feed them - you'd be feeding your DD anyway and it's not the difficult to add an extra serving.

Your DD is probably involved in the 'harrassement' tactic...

angelicabtton · 02/09/2020 18:19

Not sure if yabu about this child in particular but I feel sorry for your DD. There is a lot about how you feel in the post and very little about how she feels 're playdates. It is surely pretty unusual to only ever had a friend round once at age 10? If she knows you don't want her friends there - will you ever see her as a teenager?

Jigsawpuzzles · 02/09/2020 18:20

I totally relate to this OP, up until recently I was working FT in the week with breakfast club/ASC and would get the “can X come round” on my only day off (school day). It’s exhausting enough being a mum let alone having someone else’s child to watch as well. They have lots of time at school to socialise and tbh once they are at secondary school this play date issue is a non starter. Stick to your guns and don’t give in, kid sounds like she will be hard work. Mum should have intervened when she was talking to you and it was obvious she couldn’t come.

Cotswoldmama · 02/09/2020 18:24

I just nip things in the bud straightaway. I would have said sorry I work all day and I’m very tired after work so I just like to relax. You could always use Covid as an excuse as well.

Mesoavocado · 02/09/2020 18:30

We don't do play dates. Both myself and DH work long hours and DH does all pick ups now

He wants to come home and have long soak in bath so no way any other child would be invited during the week

Weekend would be ok but nobody asked us in four years

Raynasmum2015 · 02/09/2020 18:35

Sorry but this child sounds rude and pushy and the fact that her mum doesn't say anything to her indicates that she just gives her whatever she wants whenever she wants... when I was a child I was taught that you didn't push yourself on people, you wait to be invited, don't just go inviting yourself Hmm

FelicisNox · 02/09/2020 18:38

YANBU to be fed up but I'm really at a loss as to how this is so hard to deal with?

If you have the mother's number just message her and say I know your DD would like to come over but quite honestly I work 6 days a week and I just don't have the time or the energy for play dates. I'm also not wild about play dates during Covid: DD goes to school because it's a necessity but play dates are not. Once the pandemic has moved along and you have more time on your hands you will revisit this but it won't be any time soon. Can you please explain this to your DD as you can see she is feeling disappointed at the lack of invitation but reassure her that the time will come.

If you don't have her number just tell them this the next time you see them. Smile and repeat as necessary.

If they are rude enough to suggest your DD might be lonely due to your work schedule and lack of play dates just smile and inform them that, no, she has her cousin who she stays with regularly who lives locally.

Enough said.

Raynasmum2015 · 02/09/2020 18:39

@billy1966

OP, ....you follow your gut feeling re this pushy child and it's mother.

If the mother was keen, she would invite FIRST.

4 kids here, 20++ years parenting.

Dozens and dozens of parents over the years...

Only a CF would stand by and allow a child be so rude.

Yes .....I am absolutely judging the mother and her child.

Boy or girl, she wouldn't be coming through my door.

Too many nice children and nice parents to be entertaining the CF's out there.

Basic playground etiquette....you invite someone over first.

You DO NOT invite yourself over.
You DO NOT stand by while your child does it relentlessly........

Unless of course you are a certain TYPE!

I don't want that TYPE in my home.

Too many nice children with nice parents out there to be bothering with the CF brigade.😁

I think I agree with the gist of what you're saying... but what's a CF? Smile
Ginfordinner · 02/09/2020 18:41

Weekend would be ok but nobody asked us in four years

Does your child never get invited to another child's house Mesoavocado?

Supermum29 · 02/09/2020 18:42

This is difficult. I sympathise as I work long hours and dd goes to wrap around care. After school play dates are a bit of a no here unless I can wangle leaving early which is very rare!! I find that we do have to make arrangements for time for friends at the weekends or I book time off during the school holidays and make arrangements for DD to have time with friends then.
You’re tired and I get it but frankly it’s not fair on your DD especially as an only child. My friend is an only child and said to her her friends are like family and that they were and are really important to her as she doesn’t have siblings. I think you need to allow it here and there or sacrifice the odd Sunday and maybe invite a friend of DDs along to join in with a day out or round to play.

Mesoavocado · 02/09/2020 18:46

@Ginfordinner

Weekend would be ok but nobody asked us in four years

Does your child never get invited to another child's house Mesoavocado?

He did once in P1 but not since

He is a typical only child I think. Happy to play by himself but I worry so much about him

simiisme · 02/09/2020 18:47

and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
How bloody rude of them both!

Jack80 · 02/09/2020 18:52

I would let the girl come round once when you are free, I wouldnt be giving a lift home I would say the parent needs to come and get the child.

MamaAffrika · 02/09/2020 19:00

She's 10 years old and she wants her friend to come round. Your kid has only seen her cousin for months...are you trying to raise an isolates socially awkward kid? Grow a pair and let your kid have some friends over. It's not like you're watching 3 year olds!

Callingallskeletons · 02/09/2020 19:11

OP don’t listen to the crackpots on here YADNBU - I work FT 5 days a week, Play dates do not happen after school here because there is just not enough hours in the day and like you say by the time tea/Homework/bath/chill out is out of the way it’s just too much to expect
Weekends for us is family time too, we do a lot more play dates in holidays etc

The kid sounds like a pain in the arse tbh (as does the mother) but is there any possibility your DD is suggesting they ask thinking there may be more chance you say yes?

Tenner · 02/09/2020 19:16

you sound like a martyr. Tired, working all the hours under the sun, DH who works away.

They are 10. They don't need supervision. Let her stay. her mum can pick her up or she can take the bus home (my child did such things at that age - shock, horror). You are really just making it unnecessarily complicated. It would be of no extra work to you. I really don't understand what the issue is.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 02/09/2020 19:16

I had kids to enjoy them not moan and work 24 7. But everyone has there own set of circumstances. A play date for a 10 yr old is easy.

Schmoozer · 02/09/2020 19:27

Kids ask to go round each other’s houses
Kids like to play together outside of school

I can’t see the big deal with this kid being keen to play with yours after school ??

10 year olds don’t want mummy entertainment on play dates ! They sort themselves out !!

You DO sound a bit of a martyr !!!