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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

419 replies

Natureotter · 01/09/2020 08:52

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natureotter · 01/09/2020 22:21

I’ve never said that I will never have a play date or another child in my home, but I am not keen on having a high maintenance pushy kid that makes demands at me round for a play date.
The kids in dds class don’t really do play dates. We had one girl round once.
We have a group of friends we tend to meet at the work once a month or so just so we don’t have all the kids in the one house and it’s least effort, but between working and covid it’s not happened for a while.
I can’t believe the amount of posters basically saying I’m a bad mum because we don’t do play dates. Like I said i do what I can.
Dds cousin is the same age and they have lots in common, they go between each others houses all the time so a bit like having a sibling really.
She’s happy and admittedly has been a little lonely after lockdown but who hasn’t been? But do I want to get in from work and be badgered by a bad mannered kid? No...and my gut instinct tells me that the kids mum will be a chancer, and I’m worried about opening a can of worms. She followed dd to my car the other day and was about to jump in.
I walk up and down flights of stairs for seven hours in my job so yes I can be irritable after work but I think I’m entitled to be.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/09/2020 22:37

You're not a bad mother OP. This thing of having kids over all the time is bloody weird. They're not essential to building friendships. Is give this kid a huge swerve tbh in any case.

Who started calling them playdates anyway? When mine were young it was having someone over for tea Hmm and they were few and far between. Funnily enough the kids had plenty of pals.

Babyboomtastic · 01/09/2020 23:01

You are not saying you won't have play dates, but you've only ever done it once and she's 10...

Having a 10 year old round for a playdate is zero effort, and her parent will pick her up, so I really don't know what you've got yourself in such a tizz about. Of it really is about this girl rather than playdates, then why don't you ask your daughter to invite a friend over?

What I find uncomfortable is the level of policing you seek to do on her friendships - she's got her cousin, your work friends kids, and you were hoping to pal her up with someone re a horse. None of that is allowing her to make her own friendship groups.

By the time she gets to secondary school, you'll turn up and already find friends round half the time!

Do you have any issues with people coming into your house?

FrangipaniBlue · 01/09/2020 23:03

@Natureotter

I’ve never said that I will never have a play date or another child in my home, but I am not keen on having a high maintenance pushy kid that makes demands at me round for a play date. The kids in dds class don’t really do play dates. We had one girl round once. We have a group of friends we tend to meet at the work once a month or so just so we don’t have all the kids in the one house and it’s least effort, but between working and covid it’s not happened for a while. I can’t believe the amount of posters basically saying I’m a bad mum because we don’t do play dates. Like I said i do what I can. Dds cousin is the same age and they have lots in common, they go between each others houses all the time so a bit like having a sibling really. She’s happy and admittedly has been a little lonely after lockdown but who hasn’t been? But do I want to get in from work and be badgered by a bad mannered kid? No...and my gut instinct tells me that the kids mum will be a chancer, and I’m worried about opening a can of worms. She followed dd to my car the other day and was about to jump in. I walk up and down flights of stairs for seven hours in my job so yes I can be irritable after work but I think I’m entitled to be.
I'm with you on this one OP!!

I was in your shoes except it was me who worked away some nights during the week or doing school pick up at the end of a 12 hour day that included 300 miles of driving.

There were occasions I just sucked it up the sake of DS but only for certain kids, ie the nice polite friendly ones with similar parents.

Not a chance for the forward cheeky fuckers.

Stand your ground and don't open that can of worms!!

PerveenMistry · 01/09/2020 23:49

@Natureotter

I’ve never said that I will never have a play date or another child in my home, but I am not keen on having a high maintenance pushy kid that makes demands at me round for a play date. The kids in dds class don’t really do play dates. We had one girl round once. We have a group of friends we tend to meet at the work once a month or so just so we don’t have all the kids in the one house and it’s least effort, but between working and covid it’s not happened for a while. I can’t believe the amount of posters basically saying I’m a bad mum because we don’t do play dates. Like I said i do what I can. Dds cousin is the same age and they have lots in common, they go between each others houses all the time so a bit like having a sibling really. She’s happy and admittedly has been a little lonely after lockdown but who hasn’t been? But do I want to get in from work and be badgered by a bad mannered kid? No...and my gut instinct tells me that the kids mum will be a chancer, and I’m worried about opening a can of worms. She followed dd to my car the other day and was about to jump in. I walk up and down flights of stairs for seven hours in my job so yes I can be irritable after work but I think I’m entitled to be.
You're not a bad mum, OP.

Some of us think it's a bit weird and needy for a 10-year-old to need a constant stream of friend interactions outside of school.

cbt944 · 02/09/2020 00:07

Yik. Rude, boundary-pushing kid. Mother who enables her rude, pushy behaviour with her silence. I wouldn't want to deal with that. And drive her home! And if you give these types an inch...

Ninjaplus1 · 02/09/2020 00:21

My child is an only and wants to go round to friends houses, I always say you wait to be asked.
I’m not keen on play dates my son is 8 but they do amuse themselves.
Let them have a play date you might get a brew that is actually hot for once.

Princessbanana · 02/09/2020 00:38

OP: AIBU?
MUMSNET: Yes!!!
OP: No I’m Not, I Work!
Why go to the bother of putting it on an Internet forum if your not going to take on board anything that is said!🤦‍♀️🤣

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 02/09/2020 00:46

I think you're missing a trick here, provided the play dates are reciprocated, then you can bag yourself some free time in the evening to put your feet up.

I've had this with my kids in junior school, sometimes a race to get to me and ask first and it is annoying but you soon work out which parents take turns and learn to pick play dates wisely.

Also, why not ask the question about your daughter going to the other girl's house instead when the Mum's standing there? It's no less rude than what her daughter's asking.

Lumierecandle · 02/09/2020 01:00

You will do your relationship with your DD no favours by being so inflexible and selfish.

I get that the kid is being a bit rude but being so opposed to having any of you DD’s friends over for dinner is strange. If your life is so unbearable because your husband is working away and you are working six days per week (why? Are you in massive debt?) you need to re-evaluate your set up.

Keeva2017 · 02/09/2020 02:22

What does your daughter want op? Does she want a friend to visit occasionally? You’ve told us a lot about how hard your life is on you but what about her?

PerveenMistry · 02/09/2020 03:14

@Princessbanana

OP: AIBU? MUMSNET: Yes!!! OP: No I’m Not, I Work! Why go to the bother of putting it on an Internet forum if your not going to take on board anything that is said!🤦‍♀️🤣

Quite a few have said there is no good reason to cave to this obnoxious child & mum.

Franklyfrost · 02/09/2020 03:26

Well no, you don’t get to be irritable because you have a job, even if you have a uniform. Unless you’re a clown. Then glare all you like, especially on the school run.

Elsewyre · 02/09/2020 03:35

@Billben

she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair.

If some snotty nosed child said this to me, they would have been put straight there and then. Mother or no mother nearby, wouldn’t have made a difference. How rude. At her age this is unacceptable behaviour. I’d have been mortified if that was my DD.

I would genuinely love to see a grown adult lecture a 10 year old girl about wanting to play with her friend in public.

.you don't get to see that kind of social suicide often

MumsGoneToIceland · 02/09/2020 04:58

This child does seem very cheeky and rude so I can see why you are not keen to have her over and get how tired you are. . However, if dd wants her over, would it be so bad to have her over as a one-off? She could see her cousin once rather than twice that week so wouldn’t eat into extra time. I would be arranging a week or so in advance with mum, arranging the time she will be picking her up etc though. Alternatively you could stall for a bit longer and say to child, I’m pretty tired after work but dd could come to yours after school instead.

Henriettalll · 02/09/2020 06:28

If it was a boy i bet people wouldnt be as critical calling him pushy, rude etc. Girls are meant to be considerate, quite and polite, always putting others first

And boys will be boys 🙄☹

Oysterbabe · 02/09/2020 06:44

Most of the mums at my kids school work and all of us are tired. I don't see the big deal. The kid comes over and entertains herself with DD and her parents pick her up later. I don't see why you can't allow that once a month or so.

AlexanderHalexander · 02/09/2020 06:50

OP in one of your other posts you say you are a Postie, I get it’s physical work but it’s hardly neurosurgery is it? Having one extra child in the car and putting an extra portion of food in is no extra effort at all.
You don’t want children in your house and don’t care if your daughter misses out: just own it

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 02/09/2020 06:55

Your daughter is likely inviting the girl round and telling her to ask you as she knows you'll say no to her.
I'm another one that thinks it's a shame if your daughter can never have any friends over.
I'm pretty sure they'd entertain themselves while you cooked dinner etc, then they could eat and the girls mum can collect her at 7pm.
If the girl turns out to be a total pain then you know not to have her again.
I'd say the majority of parents are collecting straight from work btw, not just you.

Bereft2020 · 02/09/2020 06:55

I do get it. But I think you’re being a bit unreasonable and inflexible. I loathe play dates because I’m always knackered after work and the house needs cleaned in advance etc but I just get on with it because it makes the kids so happy.

Kid sounds a pain though (as does her mum). But it’s only for a couple of hours. Or let her choose someone else?

Survivingchipandkippee · 02/09/2020 06:57

You need to put things in perspective. Your posts read as if your being attacked and taking it very personal. It’s a 10 year old asking for a play date, she isn’t ripping your head off.

LunchBoxPolice · 02/09/2020 07:34

Too tired after work to allow a play date
...but you had the time and energy for an affair with a married man.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 02/09/2020 07:36

@Henriettalll

If it was a boy i bet people wouldnt be as critical calling him pushy, rude etc. Girls are meant to be considerate, quite and polite, always putting others first

And boys will be boys 🙄☹

I would. Told a boy just yesterday that he couldn't come over just like I usually do. 'Bob' is very pushy and rude and more than once I've told him it's very rude to keep asking when I've said no Admittedly that's after him not shutting the hell up). He's bloody hard work and doesn't take no for an answer. My son can play with him at school but I'm not watching him because he just will not listen.
HelloDulling · 02/09/2020 07:44

What do your DH and DD do on a Saturday? Could she have a friend over-not necessarily this friend-while you are at work?

Climbingallthetrees · 02/09/2020 07:48

You don’t have to have this girl round and it’s fine to tell her she’s being rude. But tbh it really isn’t great parenting to never have friends around for your DD, whatever your excuses.