Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

Sorry to bring so blunt but I think you are being utterly ridiculous. She's 10. Pick them both up, take home, you won't see them. Make a bit extra dinner so they eat together and get her mum/dad to pick up. It's hardly difficult. And it will be lovely for your DD. To say that she can never have a play date as you're working 6 days a week is unfair on your DD though I appreciate your work ethic.

YABU

the girl does seem quite cheeky and that would annoy me too, however when I was a child my parents were usually too busy for the hassle of having friends round or driving me to places and it did make me feel a bit left out, as after a while people stop inviting you altogether

And family time is very much over rated to 10 year old girls

DD’s ex BF was never allowed to have friends round. Now he is at university he hardly ever bothers to come home because he would rather spend time with his friends.

No one likes play dates so I do sympathise but you do it so your child is happy. It’s not her fault you are tired and a bit socially awkward

Sorry, but I agree. Why would you feel obliged to drop the child back home? Can’t you organise a time for her to be picked up? When DD was at school I never took her friends home.

I don’t get why someone being in the house makes any difference.

You really don’t “get” it do you? This is how tweens and teens really start to bond with your friends. As other have pointed out hosting a 10 year old is no extra work. As the parent of an only I feel for your daughter. I think you are being mean and a little selfish not letting her have friends over. I know this child sounds rude, but your DD says she would like to have her round. Perhaps this girl is being pushy because your DD has told her “my mum won’t let me have any friends round”

The kids in dds class don’t really do play dates. We had one girl round once

That’s very unlikely!

The others will probably be in and out of each other’s houses, mine were at that age, sometimes we had lots of children, others I had some peace.

Kids just turn up and knock on the door, so not organised play dates.

Why not ask your daughter what others do?

Just say she can come and arrange a day, if her mum a collect her. Poor DD is probably sick of her cousin. I agree that apart from dinner which you'd be making anyway it's no hassle. I'd want the warning though to give the house a tidy over.

If it's more you want to get home drink 59 cans of cider and sit about in your pants then yeah UABU

I do my best but I have a physically demanding job and the thought of play dates after school just fills me with dread

Why? As people have said, with 10 year olds it needn't involve anything much in terms of work, and if anything it can be quite restful having someone there to occupy your child.

I can quite see why you don't want to invite this particular child, but what about the one who came round before, or one of your daughter's other friends?

We never had playdates with other kids but I was one of 4 siblings and we had shed loads of cousins. I didn't and still don't feel i missed out on anything. My dad used to say that we should play with friends at school but home was for family. Do you feel that your dd needs to spend more time with kids outside of school to make up for the fact that she is an old child? Seems a lot of other posters do.

The other child was rude and I can see how it would get your back up but I would have just walked over to the parent and said would they like to have dd over at theirs some time next week and that you would pick her up and then you would reciprocate the following week or fortnight.

I don't think it anyway makes you a bad parent not wanting to have other kids over and be responsible for them. Yes at 10, op wouldn't have to sit with the kids whilst they are eating but she may have to make something else for the other kid and pop in and out of the room they are hanging out in to check that they are ok. This would mean she can't just chill out at home as she might prefer to do after a days work.

Don't just ignore it though, speak to the mum. If you do not want to do playmates at all with this child then tell your own dd, at 10 she should be able to understand.

Your daughter is likely inviting the girl round and telling her to ask you as she knows you'll say no to her.

^This definitely. Your DD just wants to have her friends around at her house and will be seeing other friends visiting each other's homes.

Well done OP for not being hustled into it! We are too busy here to have play dates and i tell my children not to arrange things at others houses unless invited first, its simple manners :)

@LunchBoxPolice

Too tired after work to allow a play date ...but you had the time and energy for an affair with a married man.

Totally unnecessary comment

OP ignore the haters, clearly in MN world you're supposed to one of those school gate moms whose lives revolve around their previous little darlings, you know you're not allowed to be a person in your own right you're only allowed to be "DDs Mom" whether it buried you into the ground just suck it up woman!!

FFS

God this thread is full of some right nasties

Whilst it's cheeky of her to ask, I can't see why having a ten year old for your dd to play with is extra work, surely they entertain themselves. It's easy enough for you to say "yes, you can come round on X day as long as your mum fetches you from our house".

@Mittens030869

Your daughter is likely inviting the girl round and telling her to ask you as she knows you'll say no to her.

^This definitely. Your DD just wants to have her friends around at her house and will be seeing other friends visiting each other's homes.

You may have misunderstood what you quoted.

I can't believe that people are trawling through the OPs past posts. I'm back to thinking it's easy to tell who has CFs as kids if this is the way you go on. This shit rubs off on offsprings.

Stand your ground OP.

I think you're missing a trick here, provided the play dates are reciprocated, then you can bag yourself some free time in the evening to put your feet up.

You can bet your life that a family with a forward kid like that who's mother stands blithely by saying sweet FA absolutely WILL NOT reciprocate!

@Sceptre86 But the OP's DD is an only child and also wants the friend to come and play. Yes the friend is being pushy, I would say cheerfully, 'We'd love to have you, but I do need more notice. Your mum and I can arrange a date that works for both of us.'

When the OP says that the other kids in her class don't do playdates, I get the very sad feeling what she means is that they don't do playdates with her daughter. Why would that class be substantially different from pretty much every other class of 10 year olds.

The OPs refusal to be involved in playdates may well be losing the daughter friends, or at least she loses the opportunity to make friends because of it.

It sounds like a somewhat lonely experience for the child :-(

My children are in their twenties now but I worked when they were school age. I encouraged them to have friends round if we possibly could and now they’re grown up they still know their friends are welcome here. When they’re on work or university holidays we see a lot of them because they know they can see us and their friends and not split time.

It’s worth being hospitable for long-term reasons. My mother, 82, is invited to dinner and taken to hospital appointments by her now deceased friends’ children and this has been very important since she was widowed just before lockdown and needed local support as she was shielded. Because she has a very ‘giving’ personality younger people have rallied round her at a difficult time. They remember her being warm and welcoming to them when they were children. And she always worked too.

There is the world of difference between being one of those school gate moms whose lives revolve around their previous little darlings and occasionally gritting your teeth and letting your DD invite a friend of her choosing over, even though you are tired and stressed.

I don't think anyone who is saying UABU is saying that your home should have an open door or your DD will be scared for life.

They are saying that friendships are important, and for your DD to sometimes have a friend round is part of that. It might be once or twice a term, if one child is a nightmare you might say (to DD) that they can't come again - though please don't find excuses for every single friend being unacceptable - or you could say that it can't be the same child twice in a row... whatever.

But DD does need to know that her wishes and friendships are important - NOT more important than you, before anyone tries to misrepresent what I am saying. But family life is about balancing the needs of all the individuals.

scarred not scared

OP your not a bad mom, DD is in the AS so didn't like kids coming round, she really had enough of them after school. But 1 child used to badger me all the time, like you I would be knackered after work and rushing to get there. I just used to say no repeatedly especially as her mom used to stand by. Another of DDs friends did have this girl round and the mom used to leave her there for hours, through the holidays so I had a lucky escape. Your DD has a cousin that she sees like a sibling so will not be lonely. I didn't have playdates, I'm not scarred by it, I'm able to make friends easily and have lived with others as an adult basically it has had no effect on my life! These are not essential for growing up.

*There is the world of difference between being one of those school gate moms whose lives revolve around their previous little darlings and occasionally gritting your teeth and letting your DD invite a friend of her choosing over, even though you are tired and stressed.

I don't think anyone who is saying UABU is saying that your home should have an open door or your DD will be scared for life.

They are saying that friendships are important, and for your DD to sometimes have a friend round is part of that. It might be once or twice a term, if one child is a nightmare you might say (to DD) that they can't come again - though please don't find excuses for every single friend being unacceptable - or you could say that it can't be the same child twice in a row... whatever.

But DD does need to know that her wishes and friendships are important - NOT more important than you, before anyone tries to misrepresent what I am saying. But family life is about balancing the needs of all the individuals.*

All of this👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@Princessbanana

OP: AIBU? MUMSNET: Yes!!! OP: No I’m Not, I Work! Why go to the bother of putting it on an Internet forum if your not going to take on board anything that is said!🤦‍♀️🤣

Quite a large number of people think she is DNBU actually. Hell with Princess Pushy getting to call the shots when you get back from work knackered...

The phrase "Not today" is handy and "why?" Is followed with "Because I said so". Or have fun with it. "I want to come to your house" - you can't, it's broken.

We didn't have this 'play dates' stuff. Play in the street, bring friends home from street to play in the garden, friends went home for their tea. Was I born into a common family?

OP you aren't the Duchess of Suffolk are you, turning up in your crown, with Charlotte being badgered - rest of the details fit

@FrangipaniBlue

I think you're missing a trick here, provided the play dates are reciprocated, then you can bag yourself some free time in the evening to put your feet up.

You can bet your life that a family with a forward kid like that who's mother stands blithely by saying sweet FA absolutely WILL NOT reciprocate!

This has been my experience. Reciprocation is certainly not a common thing.

Teenage DD has three close friends who she has known since nursery. Only one of these has ever had DD at a sleepover despite them all pretty much living at our house. They're here daily and sleep over a few times a month. Their mums however don't like letting kids even inside their house.

10yo DD has had a lot of friends sleepover on a regular basis too and she has been to one single sleepover ever. All the kids are sent to mine but as with teen DD, the parents don't like their children bring friends to their houses and have even said so in conversation.

I think there are two separate issues here. One being a friend who is pushy and rude. I've agreed that the behaviour is rude. But you could invite her once (as your DD wants her to come round), and then if she behaves rudely in your house, you can tell your DD that this friend won't be coming to your house again.

But this isn't just about the pushy friend. The OP says she's only ever hosted one play date and her DD is 10 years old. I think that's sad; there are surely other friends she could have at her house?

I don't think those of us saying that the OP is being U in this instance are saying that means she's a necessarily a bad mum overall; I don't think she is, as her DD sounds well adjusted and polite. (And the poster bringing up previous threads was being plain spiteful, there was no need for that.)

I just see this from another point of view, as I wish DD1 had friends who would ask to come around. So whilst I did sometimes find it tiresome when DD2 and her friends kept asking for play dates (pre lockdown), and their mums probably did, too, I can say that it's a nicer problem to deal with than DD1 not having friends ask to come round at all.

OP, ....you follow your gut feeling re this pushy child and it's mother.

If the mother was keen, she would invite FIRST.

4 kids here, 20++ years parenting.

Dozens and dozens of parents over the years...

Only a CF would stand by and allow a child be so rude.

Yes .....I am absolutely judging the mother and her child.

Boy or girl, she wouldn't be coming through my door.

Too many nice children and nice parents to be entertaining the CF's out there.

Basic playground etiquette....you invite someone over first.

You DO NOT invite yourself over.
You DO NOT stand by while your child does it relentlessly........

Unless of course you are a certain TYPE!

I don't want that TYPE in my home.

Too many nice children with nice parents out there to be bothering with the CF brigade.😁

I think you need to have a conversation with your daughter. Suss out whether or not she's partly behind this other girl's repeated requests. Is she encouraging it? Is this girl her best friend at school?

I agree that it's rude for the girl to insistently invite herself over, and it's horribly rude of her mother to allow it. I'd encourage your daughter, in this one case, to turn the tables and ask the girl why she can't go to her house instead.

Though I understand the reluctance to have this particular girl over at the moment, I do think you should make an effort and let your daughter have a friend over on occasion, even if it's not your favourite thing to do. It doesn't have to be frequent, but it can mean a lot to girls of that age to have the occasional sleepover, or at least some one-on-one playtime with a best friend.

I'd at least give it serious thought. You may not be able to do it very often, but just as your job is important, so is your daughter's happiness, and it's worth an occasional sacrifice of time and convenience to facilitate the development of her friendships.

And just to add, how tired are we all? We've been home for months with our own kids, whom we love, I'll add- while holding down jobs, keeping the show on the road, juggling everything. Man, I don't want to see ANYONE else's kids right now. I'm tired.
Once you do one playdate, especially with a pushy child, let me tell you- from experience,- that child will be on you like a fly on a turd for playdates. Just get the kids back into the rhythm of school. It's going to be a bit of a shock to the system for families, getting the old routine up and running again. No need for the OP to hurl herself into playdate hell if she's not ready. Besides, playdates are on the parent's terms! I say this as a parent who has a revolving door of playdates. I've always had my door open. But secretly, I loathe playdates and totally understand the OP.