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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made to feel guilty. Dog rehomed

245 replies

MrsWarleggan · 31/08/2020 19:40

My friends dog bit me, and 2 hours later, my toddler on Saturday. Biting me was my fault, toddler was just standing near him and hadn't even touched him.

He was a pup and without my knowledge they took him back to where they got him from yesterday. They are heartbroken.

Went round for dinner with other friends and I said to someone else that I felt guilty and instead of saying "Well, they shouldn't have bit" I got (didn't look at me) "Well yes, it's all very sad and I understand why you feel like that". I couldn't believe it, and made me feel even worse. Later on in the day my friends son, pushed my eldest who started crying and I was greeted with "I can't get rid of him too". I was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to say. This dog had my toddlers hand in its mouth for just being near him yet I'm being made out to be the bad person. Then followed numerous discussions throughout the evening about how devastated they are that he's gone and I felt massively uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

Transpires that another of the litter has been put down for biting a kid.

AIBU or are they??

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 01/09/2020 11:01

What was the collie crossed with?

Some breeds just don't make good crosses. And collies are tough dogs to deal with (had them myself), they are worse than small children for needing constant attention and stimulation when they are young.

I think, with others, that the family were already struggling with the dog and the biting you and your child was just the last straw. I think they may have found themselves 'over dogged' (with a dog just too lively and difficult for them) especially if their last dog died at a ripe old age, by which time they'd forgotten just how hard pups and young dogs can be.

My terrier does play face with her friend, a labrador. It's terrifying to watch sometimes, but they speak dog better than I do, and they know it's just play.

MadameBlobby · 01/09/2020 11:05

I don’t see how it’s your fault, it’s their dog, they made the decision.

cantdothisnow1 · 01/09/2020 11:42

I have a 10 month old Golden Retriever that hasn't been able to attend training classes because of covid, however she is trained. It is quite possible to train a dog without a training class.

My dog has forever got socks in her mouth, I can't think of many retriever type dogs that doesn't like to pinch a sock. No big deal really, I thought you were going to say something like a purse or a remote control.

And categorically if a dog nips and bites you as the owner of the toddler should have removed them from the situation, however your friend should have offered to remove the dog first.

You may consider yourself an experienced dog owner but you lack common sense to allow your child to be in the same room as a dog that bit you.

vanillandhoney · 01/09/2020 11:46

As for the toddler the OP said she was in the same room. Why did the owner not take the dog away after the first bite?

Yes, the owners were irresponsible, but why on earth did OP not step in and protect her child? If I was in someone's home with my toddler, and their dog bit me, I would be out of the door with my child. OP is the child's parent and is responsible for her welfare. She chose to remain in a home with a biting dog. Irresponsible parenting and potentially incredibly dangerous.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/09/2020 11:57

Puppies bite. You teach them not to. I dont understand how it was a big deal. Why would a 9mo puppy get put down for biting?

ILoveFood87 · 01/09/2020 12:02

Why was the puppy not taken to puppy classes or whatever they are called. Dog training. Poor puppy. My friends kid bit my son numerous times.

ILoveFood87 · 01/09/2020 12:05

How would the hospital know a dog from another litter had bit someone? Just happened to be in the same hospital at the same time as you? Makes no sense.

SeaEagleFeather · 01/09/2020 13:30

All this is so very, very clearly your fault. You ought to be beating your breast here and wailing.

tbh OP, you should rehome your toddler as well.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/09/2020 14:08

I think two events have been conflated.

Puppy 1 bit someone so badly they had to go to hospital. The pup was pts.

Puppy 2 (the puppy in this case) bit OP and her toddler. No hospitalisation involved. The pup was given back to the breeder.

LuaDipa · 01/09/2020 14:30

This is ridiculous. It is not normal for puppies to bite. Nipping, yes, but the op said bite which is completely different. And another dog from the same litter also has an issue with biting so I would say the problem is one of poor breeding. Either way the dog should not be in a home with children.

I love my dogs more than most people but if they bit me or or hurt one of my children they would be gone. Some dogs are just not happy in a busy family environment. I hope the poor dog is placed more carefully next time.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/09/2020 15:25

I bet you're all the type of dog owners who laugh when they run up to random strangers barking and jumping and shout "he's just being friendly, he won't do you any harm".

No.

We are people who have trained our dogs, learned to recognise warning signs that indicate a dog is anxious/stressed/over-excited and also have the sense not to take something off a dog we don't know, or allow our small children near a dog which is in an excitable (for whatever reason) state.

I don't allow my dogs to jump up. Nor do I like strangers touching them without my permission - not because they are aggressive, but because I don't know the other person - some people do some incredibly stupid things when they approach other people's dogs.And some give them treats I'd rather they didn't have (even when I ask them not to).

Didkdt · 01/09/2020 15:37

The dog owners are saying the dog had issues because of it's owner, but that the OP probably didn't handle the drop it incident well, BUT parents and owners all agree the OP and her husband shouldn't have allowed the dog to get that close to the dog because we are responsible for our children.

Didkdt · 01/09/2020 15:37

The toddler

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/09/2020 15:37

What is worrying more so than anything is this dog didn't give off any warning signs.

I'm willing to bet it did and they were either ignored, unnoticed or not recognised. After the pup had snapped at OP it should have been put out of the way where it could calm down - another room, the garden - just somewhere it could have some peace and not be increasingly wound up.

Can I ask when do puppies tend to grow out of the mouthing stage

It depends on the breed and on the individual dog. But as frumpety says - discourage them gently. A yelp can startle them into letting go, or you can firmly say "no" and gently detach them. Whatever you do, don't start a tug-of-war, even accidentally, because they'll love that and think you are enjoying it just as much.

she is so tiny, people think it is cute! I have only brought her into town twice and one woman chased her around my daughter's legs as she kept pulling her behind her to get her out of reach, saying, "Don't worry, I'm used to rescue dogs, my boyfriend works in a shelter!"

People who do things like this drive me crackers! One of my dogs is anxious because she had a very brutal early life - she isn't aggressive but she's terrified of strangers and of children. We don't let people interact with her (though I'll usually let sensible people and gentle children stroke the other two). But there is always one "Oh, dogs love me!' "Oh, I'm used to dogs", "Oh she'll be fine"

NO, SHE BLIDDY ISN'T! JUST LEAVE HER ALONE, YOU GIBBERING BELL END!

Porcupineinwaiting · 01/09/2020 15:37

Another one who doesnt think it is normal for 9 month old dogs to bite. Puppies mouth and nip but by 9 months they should be well on the way to learning not to do that, either. Far too many shitty dog owners and their apologists out there these days.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/09/2020 15:44

It's not my responsibility to avoid being bitten by a dog, it's the owner's responsibility to stop it biting me!

You both have a responsibility. The owner to train the dog/keep it away from stressful environments - and you to have enough sense not to antagonise an animal which hasn't yet been fully trained!

Do you step out into the road randomly and expect a driver to brake/ swerve around you? o? Then don't deliberately put yourself in position where an anxious dog will feel under threat from you either.

LadyLairdArgyll · 01/09/2020 16:24

I'm willing to bet it did and they were either ignored, unnoticed or not recognised

Oh we have an eye witness, great Hmm

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/09/2020 17:35

Oh - you were there were you, LadyArgyll?

I wasn't there any more than you were - but I know dogs.

And I know that the chances of there not being a warning, as opposed to there being an unnoticed or ignored warning, as practically nil.

claireyjs · 01/09/2020 17:50

Why did you bring it up at dinner? Super insensitive!!!

Wills · 01/09/2020 17:56

Oh OP I'm really sorry for you, but like the early posters I suspect they've used you as an excuse. Possibly for their children's sake. Let your friendship coast for a while until they get another and then pick up again.

MBalloch · 01/09/2020 18:07

I have a dog who has just turned 1 and still nips very occasionally - like when she is v.excited or jumpy. Some of my family and friends have young children and are careful where their children stand or what they do in front of my dog because she is still learning and gets v.excited and I'm wary too and always keeps an eye - i also know what cues to look for (children jumping about or making high pitch noises etc can make my dog excited). It sounds like these people used the biting incident as an excuse to get rid (which is ashame, I feel sorry for the dog, its young and still learning but hopefully will find better, more patient owners). However, I think you are part to blame too as your dc shouldnt have been near the dog (considering the dog had bitten you earlier that day).

Sciencebabe · 01/09/2020 18:15

Definitely not your fault. The owners probably want to put the blame on you to pass the buck of guilt. They are using your experience as a Scape goat. You said you didn't make a big deal out of it, so don't give it anymore thought. Next time someone says it's very sad, stand up for yourself and say 'yes, but it was their decision to hand it back instead of train it' even if the owners start going off on one. It was THEIR decision to take the easy way out and return the dog, instead of take the dog to behavioural classes.

Danja2010 · 01/09/2020 18:23

I do hope you have learned at least not to mix toddlers with dogs and that is a huge no-no. I also don't see why you were commanding the dog to drop the item and not the owner. It is still learning and not your dog. I do feel that ii was very much your fault ( as a previous dog owner yourself) and most definitely the owner itself. If a dog has not been socialized with young children a toddler with it's jerky movements and unpredictable ways is scary for a dog that has not been raised with children.

icedgem85 · 01/09/2020 18:24

YABVU to let a dog who bit you and drew blood be around your toddler! What!? Also, that's a puppy and if he was bitey around new people they should have kept him away. It's not like you reported it. It was their choice not your fault.

FelicisNox · 01/09/2020 19:30

YABU because you goaded your friends looking for sympathy and because didn't get it you're casting around here.

You also allowed your toddler to be in the same room as a dog that bit you when you should have gone home or asked the owner to put the dog elsewhere so there's responsibility on both sides.

Is it your fault the dog's gone back to the breeder? No. That was the decision of the owner and you were the scapegoat.

If this comes up as a topic of conversation again just say: can we not talk about it please, whilst I'm not happy about the dog biting I'm genuinely shocked it went back to the breeder when it could simply have been trained out of that behaviour but I respect the decision made. Let's leave it at that.