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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

252 replies

Butterflywing31 · 31/08/2020 16:22

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 31/08/2020 16:24

Why aren't you considering 50/50 care? Are you moving a long way away?

funnylittlefloozie · 31/08/2020 16:25

People will judge you, yes. Its really unusual for a mother not to want custody of such a young child, and you and his dad are going to hsve to work incredibly hard to compensate for that.

Do you find parenting hard?

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 16:27

Yes of course people will judge you for this, why aren’t you at least going for fifty fifty?

FlibbertyGiblets · 31/08/2020 16:27

Would you start from a 50/50 position; every weekend risks turning you into Disney Mummy and doesn't offer Daddy the chance to be a weekend parent...

I wouldn't judge but I would wonder what made you agree to this.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 31/08/2020 16:28

Yes, people will judge you. But if you’re doing what is right for your family, then what does it matter what others think?

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2020 16:28

I think it's admirable that you seem to be thinking of what's best for your son but I would definitely think, "I could never do that"

Whatelsecanipossiblydo · 31/08/2020 16:29

My YANBU is based on the fact that if it was the other way around, most people wouldn't bat an eyelid. I do think people will have something to say about this as it isn’t the ‘norm’but is a way that sexism is entrenched in our society.

However, I do think that is very little time for him to not be with either parent. Why not 50/50 split? I would question this is any parental separation.

CultOfWax · 31/08/2020 16:29

Honestly - yes I would judge you and even with your explanation in your OP I do, and I wonder why you aren't going for 50/50.

Original poster
Butterflywing31 · 31/08/2020 16:31

Sorry I’ll be clearer, yes I want to go 50/50. I think that’s what I was trying to say. This is all new to me. How does 50/50 play out? Sorry if I sound stupid.
Yes I find parenting hard, I had severe PND and was suicidal at a few points. Also he and his dad have a stronger bond because of this. But yes, I’d like to do 50/50.
My family live 200 miles away, so my plan was to move there as I have no connectiOns here, but I’m now looking here as it’s too far. It’s all not ideal I know and I already feel awful about it.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 31/08/2020 16:32

Let them judge away. You do what works best for all of you, ESPECIALLY DC. I can see the logic of why his would be the main residence considering the job.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2020 16:32

I'm another who doesn't understand why you're not doing 50/50.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 31/08/2020 16:33

Well that’s quite a turnaround from your OP.

StormzyInaDCup · 31/08/2020 16:33

Does is matter who judges you, as long as you are both putting your child first? I think it's an admirable quality and one that's lacking.

If it's genuinely in your child's best interests to have this arrangement. Then 100% do it. I say this as a manager for ss (professional). Good luck!

Florencex · 31/08/2020 16:34

It is unusual and I think people will judge you, although personally I don’t think you should be judged.

edwinbear · 31/08/2020 16:34

I wouldn't judge you OP, I'd think you were very brave to put your own interests aside and focus on what the best outcome is for your DC.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2020 16:34

@Butterflywing31

Sorry I’ll be clearer, yes I want to go 50/50. I think that’s what I was trying to say. This is all new to me. How does 50/50 play out? Sorry if I sound stupid. Yes I find parenting hard, I had severe PND and was suicidal at a few points. Also he and his dad have a stronger bond because of this. But yes, I’d like to do 50/50. My family live 200 miles away, so my plan was to move there as I have no connectiOns here, but I’m now looking here as it’s too far. It’s all not ideal I know and I already feel awful about it.
Sorry to hear that OP, just don't push yourself out of the picture all together because you feel guilt about the PND and feel like you are not as deserving, a child needs their mother every bit as their father
Nicknacky · 31/08/2020 16:34

What you are proposing is nothing like 50/50.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 16:34

I’d also add op that it does t matter what people think what’s important is you do what’s best for your child and if that’s to be with his father then do it.

As for fifty fifty it’s what it says on the tin, half the time at your house half the time with his father, fifty fifty is not what you described. You described your partner being the resident parent for the vast majority of the time.

hammeringinmyhead · 31/08/2020 16:35

I'd assume you didn't like being a parent and that this was a big factor in your split. I probably "shouldn't" but that is my instant gut feeling. And yes, I would judge. 1 day in 7 and a week in school holidays is "absent dad" custody.

TowandaForever · 31/08/2020 16:35

I would be very concerned about this amount of contact becoming entrenched.

You may have pnd now but what about the future?

AllPlayedOut · 31/08/2020 16:36

What you described is anything but 50/50. 50/50 is what you said you want but as described in your OP his Father will have him the majority of the time, and you were considering moving 200 miles away. It makes no sense.

WiserOlder · 31/08/2020 16:36

Do what's right for YOU. Men do this all the time.

Original poster
Butterflywing31 · 31/08/2020 16:36

Ok well I would like to do 50/50. As I said this is all new to me.

OP posts:
Reddog1 · 31/08/2020 16:36

I’d admire the pair of you for prioritising your son’s interests.

allthingsred · 31/08/2020 16:37

Yes. People will judge you. But that's more to do with how every mother is judged on everything we do. But ignore them it sounds like you have both thought things through & are doing what is best for all of you.
It's lovely you are keeping things amicable it would be far worse for your dc if you were arguing & screaming at each other over drop offs.