Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

[Butterflywing31]

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

I'm sorry you're struggling with your mental health

Being honest with yourself, would you be able to have 50/50 care at the moment? It may be that you need to go home, get better, have your DS EOW and maybe a couple of nights midweek (because imo 200 miles is too far to expect a 3yo to travel each week, or for less than two nights) and build up from there?

Good luck. I hope your ex is supportive of your need to get better.

I think given your updates the first option sounds good as he will have a good few years of tantrums left, I wouldn't judge you!

You can always be around if amicable, see him most days etc but that won't work full time or once one of you moves on.

In the interim I think coping with your DS alone 50% of the time when you can't manage tantrums isn't wise.

I'd be surprised because it's not "the norm" for mothers BUT I absolutely wouldn't judge you for it.

It's no-one else's business how ever you and your ex decide to parent your child. Ignore them and do what you need to do.

@pastapestoparmesan

Do what is right for your child, and to hell with other people’s judgement.

I agree. You'll be judged unfortunately? Plenty of it on this thread already.

Well I wouldn’t judge you. I think it’s good that you are able to think about what might be best for child in these circumstances.

Honestly I wouldn’t care none of my business

If it’s in everyone’s best interests then do it

I wouldn't judge you at all. Some mothers cope better than others and despite what MN thinks a dad can sometimes be the preferable person as the main carer. I'm also confused about those that are asking why you're not doing 50/50, as when other threads have mentioned the dads wanting 50/50, many replies are...."it will be too confusing and disruptive for the child". You are doing what you think is best for your child and that's all you can do. Whatever you decide don't be too hard on yourself, you are putting the well being of your child first.

Hi ButterflyWing31. I've been through mental health issues and anxiety related to PND. I've also experienced many others who have struggled, been suicidal or found it hard to find a medication that helps. I just wanted to suggest that before you make a final decision, you chat to a counsellor who's experienced in PND. I know it's tough right now, as Covid-19 means therapy is hard to access (even just a few counselling sessions) - but I really think it might help to talk through your feelings with someone outside of the situation. It's a huge decision and MH issues, including PND and anxiety can put huge stress on relationships and parenting. Not only that, but you commented that you didn't know anyone in the area, which means you're not surrounded by a support network and that can make things feel more overwhelming too.

I wouldn't judge you, but the fact that judging is what you're concerned about concerns me. It's so much more to do with choosing the best thing for your son and you. It may be you feel less able to parent until you've moved through this PND and there are certainly times when it can all feel totally overwhelming - but it can improve. I think trying to get some extra support and chatting it through might help you come to a decision that's best for your family - no one else matters in that decision, because it won't affect Mumsnet/other parents/your friends. It will affect your son and you and your husband. It seems you feel your husband is the better parent, but this may well not be the case. Each parent has a slightly different style of parenting and PND can just make you feel like you're doing a terrible job when actually you're meeting your child's needs. I'm not sure Mumsnet is a great place to discuss it, because really you need someone who can chat you through things knowing much more about you and your family than people on Mumsnet can. I'd talk to your doctor about your medication, if you're not under a psychiatrist and only under GP care, it may be worth being referred to CMHT to access services more experienced in dealing with PND. Otherwise, if you're GP is experienced and good at being able to talk to you about it, then perhaps just tell them how you're feeling. It's such a huge decision to make in the middle of a PND episode and it may be that when things improve, you feel differently.

Hope you don't find this presumptuous x

Yes you will be judged. Whether that's right or wrong...
Op I wouldn't make any legal childcare arrangements whilst you are going through mh difficulties. Take one day at a time. It may be good for your ds to stay with his dad now but a different matter in the future. What if your ex meets someone and they move in? What if, after seeking help, you have regrets? Please don't make any concrete plans and discuss this with your ex now rather than later.

I was never particularly maternal
Your "journey" if you like of being a mother has only just begun OP, please don't write yourself off like this.
Stay locally, you can see your ds more easily then and could surely pick-ups, having tea with him etc more easily even if you don't feel able to have him overnight 50%. How you feel will change as the years go on - just be sure not to burn any bridges. You can travel to see your family at times when your ex has the child - or when you do, and bring him with you.
It does sound like help for your PND (I absolutely still had this when my dc was 2) is more important than the actual split, if you are as amicable as you say.

At face value I wouldn’t necessarily judge you for it but I would think it very strange that you wanted so little contact with your young child.

However, take away the ‘face value’ aspect, and when you explain your reasons for doing it based on your mental heath then it’s obvious that you genuinely are doing what you think is best for your son.

Of course you will be judged because a mother choosing to be away from her child (which is how judgemental people will view it) is not the social norm.

People who know and love you will understand and not judge.....but as for the rest? You just have to try and ignore any judgement you feel and keep reminding yourself why your son being with his dad is what’s best for him.

The best of luck for it all

People shouldn't judge and you shouldn't let it worry you. Your primary concern should be what's best for your family and only you and your DH can make a call on that. Children need routine and consistency and it sounds like you've both spent a long time thinking things through. When you all look back your son won't remember the actual number of hours he was with you, he'll remember the quality of the time and if you were 100% focused on him or not. That said, if your son makes signals that he wants / needs more time with you, will you be able to give that to him?

I’m sorry for this insensitive question but why are you splitting up with your partner?

I’m pretty ashamed to admit that I probably judge you much more harshly than a dad for doing this. Which is ridiculous. I’m so sorry

It sounds like you have your ds best interests at heart over your own which is admirable, well done.

Can you get some counselling for you and try to see how a 50/50 plan could work too? Give yourself some choices? Hopefully things stay amicable enough for you to both be fluid with arrangements. This works best for my ex and me, though not everyone.

I think any arrangements you make just now need to have some flexibility built in for when you recover from the PND. The feelings you describe such as not being naturally maternal and dad being a better par went, your lack of patience etc are all very common thoughts to have with PND.
I’m in no way belittling your decision to split from your partner, but is this the right time to be making these decisions? I’m coming from a place of having suffered bad PND for a good few years, but I now look back and think wtf? about some decisions I made

I wouldn't judge you either. As long as you are not being forced into something you don't want to do.

Would steer clear from legal at the moment too.

I think work and lifestyle patterns have a lot to do with shared care arrangments. You both have to find what works for you and your LO.

I don’t think 50/50 is great for young kids, and as a teacher your Ex would have to put him into full time childcare. You will need to pay them maintenance.

I’m not sure that you are thinking straight and just want to escape? Do you really want to cut and run?

I’m not sure that this is in your son’s interests? I wouldn’t judge - if this is indeed the best thing - but I’d be worried that long-term impact decisions are being made out of shorter term feelings from you.

As other’s have said, men do this all the time, and no-one judges them, in fact they just get sympathy! However if you’ve been the main parent, and are now feeling unhappy, and going through a split is pretty awful, then I’d get some real life opinions on this from trusted family and friends, and also maybe counseling? Make sure it is really the right decision.

My first reaction on reading halfway through was "why the hell would anyone judge you?". For doing what you think is best for your child, and still being her main carer approx 1/3 of the time. But seems like a lot of people are judging, and then saying stuff like "society always judges mothers". Sounds like MN judging mothers to me.

"How does 50/50 play out?*

More than one day a week and week in the holidays

Sort your mental health out first and build your way up to that relationship : if you are unwell you won’t be able to looks after your son will you .
I would move to a parenting thread as well AIBU not the most sympathetic .

I wouldn’t judge someone for leaving kids to sort them self out and get better !
I would judge a mother Or father leaving kids to be with another family or partner and act like they don’t have kids ! That is something I would judge for .

Each scenario is very different ! Wishing you all the best

OP I think you are being incredibly brave. I don’t think anyone should judge you for prioritising your mental health so that ultimately you will still be alive and able to see your son.

I agree with the people who have said what you were initially proposing is a sensible option to buy yourself some time to access treatment and then take things from there in whatever way is best for you and your son at that time.

If you are feeling depressed and suicidal then it is FAR better for everyone that you are supported and feel you have space to cope with the situation. Your son will still want you in his life to the extent that he can be. Much, much better for him to have a live mum that he sees once a week, than no mum because things were too much for you.

I would take it further and say would you maybe be better moving to where you have a support network, and having visits supported by your ex? If you are in such a bad place then having everyone supporting you to get better, while seeing some of your son in supported visits, would surely be the best option.

I'd start a new thread on this anywhere but in AIBU.

You know your situation and what's best for your son better than any randomers on MN OP. If it would be better for your son to stay with his dad there is no shame in admitting that. If you were a man posting about this no one would bat an eyelid, but that's good old double standards for you.

Yes, people will judge you. But it's wrong for them to do so. Decisions on where a child lives is up to the parents to decide, period. If you and your STBXP feel that DS is better off with him, then that is where he should be. And the rest of the world can just piss off!

But may I suggest that you write nothing 'in stone' at this point? It's obvious that you are not feeling secure in yourself right now. But it may be that later, with proper treatment, counseling, and medications you may actually feel stronger or better within yourself about your parenting ability. So if I were you I don't think I'd move too far away just at first. Stay in the area and seek help. You deserve to live a happy life.