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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

252 replies

Butterflywing31 · 31/08/2020 16:22

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 31/08/2020 16:47

It’s clear you want to do what’s best for your son and there is no reason why his father shouldn’t be the primary carer. I’m sorry you are being given a hard time here.

However I do agree with the posters who have suggested caution if you are still suffering from depression. Don’t do yourself out of time with your child out of low self esteem or worth.

museumum · 31/08/2020 16:48

I have friends with primary age children who split and the father stayed in the family home. BUT the big difference was she found a flat in the same area, walking distance to school. It’s been about two years now and seems to be working ok. She I think had some MH difficulties but seems better for having half the week off parenting to recharge.

Pebblexox · 31/08/2020 16:48

Honestly. I find it disgusting that people judge these situations.
If you believe that's the best for your child, then it's nobody else place to judge. I don't see why people instantly assume a child is better with their mum as the main caregiver (I'm not saying in your case as only you know that decision)
Do what's best for you, your child and your ex.

Tiny2018 · 31/08/2020 16:49

Do what is best for you and your child OP.
Let people judge. As long as your child sees you consistently, I see no problem.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2020 16:49

@ThaGugaBlasta

OP, I don't mean this in a goady way, but is AIBU the right place for this discussion? You've flipped your position completely in the space of two posts, based on the strong reactions you've got here. This isn't about what other people think, it's about working out what's right for your child, and what's right for you and his dad. Why don't you ask to get this moved to Relationships?

This.

I'm with the philosophy of starting with 50:50 and working from there. With such a young child that does mean living close to your ex. As he gets older, you may find it's different.

How did you end up living so far from family?

Redcrayons · 31/08/2020 16:50

Are you having medical treatment for your depression?
Who came up with the childcare plan? Your idea to go round whenever you like might seem fine now, but what happens if your DP gets a new girlfriend who isn’t too keen on the idea?

DragonPie · 31/08/2020 16:51

How is having your DS one of the weekend days workable if you move 200 miles away? You can’t expect your ex to do all the travelling either, if you are the one who lives away. Also if it’s less than 50:50 you’ll be the one paying him maintenance.

Don’t leave your ex to do all the hard slog during the week while you get to play fun parent at the weekend.

weightedpunch · 31/08/2020 16:51

Yanbu at all. It's the right decision for you, dp and dc and that's what matters. Don't take criticism from anybody you wouldn't take advice from.

Best of luck

FelicityPike · 31/08/2020 16:52

You can’t do 50/50 when you live 200 miles apart, how would schooling work when he gets older?
You also shouldn’t get every single weekend as that’s not fair.
Remember that unless it’s completely 50/50 you’ll be paying child maintenance for your son.
For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a very brave thing and I admire you for putting your son’s needs first. Good luck to you.

BruceAndNosh · 31/08/2020 16:53

Will you be judged? Looks like mumsnet.com is judging you already.

Just because your partner is a good parent, don't assume that you are not.

rwalker · 31/08/2020 16:55

The main thing is it works for all 3 of you fuck all to do with anyone else .

DragonPie · 31/08/2020 16:56

You may not be able to just go round if he gets another girlfriend.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 31/08/2020 16:57

@Butterflywing31

Sorry I’ll be clearer, yes I want to go 50/50. I think that’s what I was trying to say. This is all new to me. How does 50/50 play out? Sorry if I sound stupid. Yes I find parenting hard, I had severe PND and was suicidal at a few points. Also he and his dad have a stronger bond because of this. But yes, I’d like to do 50/50. My family live 200 miles away, so my plan was to move there as I have no connectiOns here, but I’m now looking here as it’s too far. It’s all not ideal I know and I already feel awful about it.

No your family is where you are currently beside your son.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 16:57

Oh my goodness. Something as serious as this and posters can’t be arsed to read the thread. She has clearly said she wants to move away but is not going to.

sst1234 · 31/08/2020 16:57

OP what do you want to happen, never mind people judging you. Your responses are very inconsistent. You can’t make these up as go along based on reactions from people on an Internet forum. What is the ideal situation for you and your son?

hammeringinmyhead · 31/08/2020 17:00

The OP says she knows it's not ideal and feels awful about it which suggests to me that no, it does not "work" for all 3 of them.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 17:00

Op what help are you getting for your depression and anxiety?

notthemum · 31/08/2020 17:00

People will judge you. As pp have said other women don't like the fact that a woman is not doing what they consider to be normal.
Years ago a friend of mine left her abusive ex (He was never abusive to the kids). I asked her about it and she said that she truly believed that he was a better dad than she was a mum. He kids were well looked after and loved. At the end of the day she had done what was right for them all. However OP I think you will need to grow a much thicker skin.
Do what you believe is right for you and your child. As for the judgey lot fuck em. It's none of their business.
Good luck 💐

Sanjii · 31/08/2020 17:00

I totally see where you are coming from and I always try to be non judgemental and I would never tell this to your face even if you were a friend but deep down I would judge you. There isn't even a logical explanation and it sounds like you really thought this through but I couldn't help it.

ChrisPrattsFace · 31/08/2020 17:00

I don’t think I’d judge. A couple of parents in my baby groups (1 year and under!) are men, main carers from split relationships.

Imworthit · 31/08/2020 17:01

My concern is that dp is making you feel inadequate.

Is this what you really want or are you just trying to avoid rocking the boat?

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 17:02

@Imworthit

My concern is that dp is making you feel inadequate.

Is this what you really want or are you just trying to avoid rocking the boat?

How much did you have to twist your self in knots to make it the fathers fault,,

sst1234 · 31/08/2020 17:05

@Imworthit

My concern is that dp is making you feel inadequate.

Is this what you really want or are you just trying to avoid rocking the boat?

Eh? Where did that come from? What a batshit response.

RubieRose · 31/08/2020 17:08

Honestly, I would wonder why you wanted so little contact with your child and didn't want to parent them. The arrangement you describe in your OP sounds like the amount of contact a grandparent would have, not the parent of a 3yo.

As for people saying no one would judge a father for the same...that's just not true. And I would assume you have a low barr of what a father is.

OP I think you need to talk this all through with someone, as you sound very vulnerable and easily swayed.

SummerHouse · 31/08/2020 17:08

It's a really tough situation and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Being a mum means doing the best thing for your child above all else. But with your anxiety and depression I am not sure it's easy for you to understand what that is. 50/50 is where each parent has the child for 50% of the time. I can't imagine that's easy but nor is any other option. I hope you find a way that works for all of you and I hope you are getting help for your mental health.

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