Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

[Butterflywing31]

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

I left because I thought he would be better off without me. Of course, he wasn't and it was many years before we managed to get the relationship back on some sort of track.
We're quite close now, but it will never be closer, because so many mixed emotions are not resolved.

I would echo this. My experience exactly. I also have major issues that my mum has at times wanted to be a more hands-on grandma and I resent that as she didn't want to be a hands-on mum

@SleepingStandingUp jesus Christ, seriously? So many parents out there struggling with their mental health and they don't just get to decide when they're ready to deal with it.

@hammeringinmyhead

I must admit that I am surprised that people think if a dad posted here saying he had left the OP and wanted limited weekend contact only and a bit of the holidays, so his ex was responsible for all weekday childcare, we'd all say that was grand.

That's because most of us know quite a few shitty dads out try to opt out of all or most responsibility. It's not unusual at all...and we all have the image in our head of those kind of dads.

It is extremely unusual for it to be the other way around, so there is a tendency to take it more seriously because normally there is genuinely a more serious reason behind it, and it's not simply that they're not arsed being a mother....as it seems to be with plenty of fathers!

The most important thing is your dcs needs are put central to decisions and if that means he is best living with with dad the majority of the time then then nobody should judge you. People will be surprised because it's unusual though. My kids are young adults but I've chosen to leave the family home, it surprised some but their dad can afford to pay the mortgage alone, I can't and I wanted to move areas - works for us

My opinion has changed several times over the course of the thread.
Initially, yes I would have judged you, as I probably would have judged any parent who didn't want to have as much time with their children as they can.
But then there was your update and I really think you shouldn't be making any long term decisions at the moment, because it doesn't sound like you're in the right frame of mind. What you were saying about not being maternal and not bonding as well; that sounds a lot like PND talking. I wonder if you will still feel this way and have the same attitude once you have had some sort of treatment. I had PND until my boys were about 4 and I look back now and find it incredible that I felt the way I did.
If you really believe that whatever you are doing is in the best interests of your child then fine.
But... although I know I shouldn't, I suspect if a man said he didnt want to have much access to his child because of his mental health, there would be a bit of me judging and thinking "pull yourself together, you can't just dump the majority of child rearing on your ex because of that. What would you do if they didn't want to or weren't around?"

My sister did this in her early 20s- different circumstances though. She was pursuing an academic career and found herself unexpectedly pregnant with a second child- she was already a single mum. Made the decision that the main carer would be the father and stuck to it. When they split up, he moved 500 miles away, taking her child. He did a good enough job, but I do think that the child suffered emotionally and so did my sister- she was committed to the principle I think. I wouldn't judge you, but definitely don't rush into any permanent decisions. 50:50 sounds sensible but think carefully about the distance.

Why are you separating

@user1481840227

That wasn't my point. Posters said that if OP was a father posting this, she'd be told she was doing well being so involved. You have a negative image of those dads you are talking about so they are wrong.

Yes, some will. And? It's your life, not theirs.

9 years ago I came here all alone, left my 6 yr old with his dad for 6 months. Flew back every 3 weeks for a weekend. First 2 weeks was horrible. The guilt was eating me up, because I felt like I had to be guilty.
Then shrugged it off and enjoyed my 6 months of getting a break from my life. Me being guilty wouldn't have changed a thing for my boys, so what's the point?

And I got judged a lot, but couldn't care.

Christ there are some terrible responses to your post here OP.
A woman who is openly saying shes depressed should never ever be spoken to this way, some of the posters should really take a moment to reflect on what their pithy comments could cause.

Anyway OP, would I judge you? No, I would feel sad for you or assume that something had gone very wrong. I found the early years so hard, i manage children much better when they are older - a 7 year old for example is a totally different animal than a 3 year old

I think you should try your very best to stay where your son lives, even if you dont manage 50/50. Try to put down some roots and make some friends, people you can rely on.

Op I'd strongly advise you to wait to get the PND looked at as it wil be clouding your judgement. There were days when i had it that if my dh had offered to take on the main parenting role I'd have honestly thought that was the best for us all. It wasn't. Don't conflate the way your anxiety and depression impact on your parenting with just being a parent who is breaking up with their partner. Get the pnd sorted, hold tight for a while and then discuss the arrangements.

I do wonder about the partner too - he will be well placed for holiday childcare as a teacher, and can get away early-ish on occasion, but will have a lot to do in the evenings, parents nights etc.

[quote borntohula]@SleepingStandingUp jesus Christ, seriously? So many parents out there struggling with their mental health and they don't just get to decide when they're ready to deal with it.[/quote]
@borntohula Maybe not but op is in a position to put her kids needs front and centre - a parent mentally well to do primary care, and pit her own mental health as a priority but not having primary custody, and she's being told she shouldn't because no good reason beyond what, other people can't ?? She should be doing what's RIGHT by them all, not what looks most acceptable

@Wowwe

You are the child’s MUM How can you not want him living with you?

Why did you bother having children?

What a shitty comment.

Op didn't know she'd get pnd, would struggle to handle him and that her relationship would break down.
Op is trying to make the best decision for her son right now, which will give her scope to focus on her mental health and to potentially increase how much she has her son over time.
Op loves her son.

Suggesting that anyone who doesn't fight for primary custody shouldn't have had kids is a ridiculous assertion

@SleepingStandingUp is she in that position though? Is the other parent really happy to agree to basically never having any time to himself or does he feel like he has no choice? Honestly, if someone came on here saying "my partner has just dumped me, we have a small child and I'm working full time and exdp only wants to take responsibility for childcare two days a week, etc." They would be told their ex was being unreasonable...

I'm sorry but a child needs his Mother, especially a three year old. Unless that Mother is incompetent and a risk to the child, and I'm thinking alcoholic, drug taker, mental health etc. I would definately judge a Mother who doesnt live with their child and provide the majority of care. If someone told me that was the case I would presume one or all of the above had come into play.

50/50 is the way to go op, not just the weekends. Sorry you’re going through a rough patch.

I wouldn't judge you at all if it makes sense and is least disruptive for your DS. I always think that 50/50 must be so confusing for kids.

[quote borntohula]@SleepingStandingUp is she in that position though? Is the other parent really happy to agree to basically never having any time to himself or does he feel like he has no choice? Honestly, if someone came on here saying "my partner has just dumped me, we have a small child and I'm working full time and exdp only wants to take responsibility for childcare two days a week, etc." They would be told their ex was being unreasonable...[/quote]
If the parent who only wanted to have the cold two days a week was struggling with long term pnd and struggling with handling the child, I'd expect the parent who can cope to stuck it up because I wouldn't expect the more capable parent to leave their child with the parent who can't cope half the time on principle.
Do you think it's better for the child to be 50% with a parent who admits due to get current poor mental health that she can't handle him when he gets upset? Do you think the best way for op to get well is to be under the pressure of taking on primary custody ATM? Or is it possible that life is unfair and sucks but what matters right now is the CHILDS welfare and that short term this is the best option?

Of op indicates she had no intention of addressing get my issues or working towards fairer time, I'd agree with you

So you're a mother, thinking of moving 200 miles away from your 3 year old and wondering if people will judge you? I know I would, yes. How would 50/50 even work at that distance? What about when your DC starts school? Are you going to drive them to school half of each week from 200 miles away?? Surely not.

I wouldn’t judge you. You’re doing what you both feel is best for your son. He belongs to both of you and I’m sure both of you love him equally. If he stayed with you and your husband had him less no one would say anything. I find it infuriating x

You sound so sad and lacking in confidence. I think parenting your son on a 50:50 basis will give you the chance to see that you can do it, and your bond will deepen. It’s going to be tough without family support, but I think moving away would be disastrous for all involved.

There could possibly be an option for your ex to have your DS more in school holidays, which would hopefully be to your advantage too. Even more so when he is at school rather than nursery.

Never make a decision this profound in the depths of PND. Go to the doctor, take the medication, get nursery and care. Then decide what you want to do. But not now. This is a decision you could come to regret for the rest of your life and reading the words you're writing, how you're writing, you aren't well enough to make this decision right now.

@Butterflywing31
I think you're being very brave and selfless.

Who cares what other people think though? Many lives have been screwed up because people felt they had to do what society approved of rather than what's best involved.

I do agree with what a few others have said though, that I don't think you should many any permanent plans until you're in a better mental state. I would seek legal advice to make sure that you have a legal agreement that any custody arrangements you come to right now are temporary until you are better or to be reviewed in X many months.

It sounds to me like you need a lot of TLC right now. The first few years of motherhood are unbelievably tough and the most patient of parents struggle to deal with children's tears and tantrums.

I wonder how much support you've had in your relationship so far? Your (ex) partner sounds like a very good father but I'm conscious of your poor mental health right now and lack of self-esteem. If you've been the primary carer until now then it's no wonder you've struggled (and more than father). This is true of every couple with young children I know!

Please don't make any permanent decisions right now and make sure you seek legal representation to protect your interests as well as the interests of your child. I hope you're being well supported medically and by friends and (distant) family. If you feel able, I would reach out and ask for more support from them right now.

In the meantime, I applaud you for doing what you believe is best for your child. It must be unimaginably difficult for you, but putting your child first, no matter what that means for you, is what makes you a wonderful mother. Don't let anyone tell you any differently.

Please keep seeking support and help and be very gentle with yourself x