Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

[Butterflywing31]

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

Your subsequent post bears no resemblance to your first

Are you on the level or what ?

People judge women regardless of what they do.

I think it's very unfair for one parent to have all the weekends, and all the fun stuff, and one parent to do all week and all the grunt work. Doesn't matter which way round, it's very unfair.

Don't do this until you have had a chance to really think through the implications. Maybe you believe this is your choice but it could be that your partner has steered you into this decision. Who says that they have a "very strong bond"? Of course he will love his Dad but he needs his Mum and he will experience terrible rejection if you move away without him. Get yourself over to the relationship board for advice on how to separate and how to finance 50/50 split. Also, look into counselling for yourself so that you can strengthen your self-belief. You are your child's whole world, he will never want to be without you.

@AllPlayedOut my head is scrambled at the moment, I apologise, I do have depression and anxiety so it doesn’t help. No excuse I know. I had horrendous PND and was suicidal as I said in a previous reply.
My parents live 200 miles away and all my close friends/family, so it’s been really really tough. I would like to move down and be closer to them, but if I went without my DS i’d Hardly see him and that’s not what I want. If I took him, well my exDP wouldn’t be up for that at all obviously. So I’ll be staying here. It’s mega hard though as you can imagine. It’s all a bit of a mess.

I would say you shouldn’t make this sort of life changing decision whilst suffering from depression which could cloud your judgement. Have you had therapy? I think counselling would be helpful for you.

People will judge you in a way they wouldn’t particularly judge a man. But it doesn’t matter if you are all doing what is best for your child. You’ll just need to be prepared for some comments.

If you were the father saying this, people would tell you you are a brilliant dad, but women don't like it when other women deviate from the accepted norm. To me you sound like you have your child's best interests at heart.

Regardless of the sex of the parent weekday parenting is a tough slog, school runs/uniforms/after school activities/play dates/bedtime routine while weekends are much more relaxed and actual family time. So if judge anyone who left their ex to pick up the tough times and play Disney parent. Are you in a position to contribute financially to his upbringing through child support.

Do what is right for your child, and if thats staying more with his father, then do that.

Fuck what people think, its not important. What is important is firstly your child, and secondly your own mental state.

Also, it sounds as if you are planning to work your hours around your son's father's work commitments? If you are not together then you work whatever hours you need to and he sorts out childminder/afterschool club on the days that he has your son overnight. Don't allow yourself to limit your earning potential for a man that did not marry you, and is not supporting you.

Don't make any big decisions while you're in such a bad place. Your DS needs you as much as he needs his Father. Having PND/Depression/Anxiety doesn't make you a bad parent. You're still so important to him and things can improve. Have you tried counselling/therapy? I hope that things get better for you.

I’m sorry to say I would judge you. But I’d also judge a father who didn’t have his Dc 50% of the time too.

Your arrangement sounds like you’re walking away. If I’m reading this right, you’re hoping for a weekend each week (although probably only one night) and then a week of the school holidays? Plus other ad hoc nights when he asks for them?

50/50 is half the weekend and then 2/3 nights a week plus an equal split of the school holidays. Your DH shouldn’t be the default parent just because he’s a teacher, surely.

Your DS is only 3, he needs both of his parents or his current preferences for his dad will mean he’s never going to be that close to you, surely?

I think you need to take some time to think, in the space of a few mins you went from a detailed overview of having him one day a week and a week in thr summer, with possibly some school runs if your work time allows it.

To having him live with you three or four days a week. That’s a massive difference, I’d worry you’ve only changed your mind because you’re worried about being judged.

Don’t be. If you’re not able to have your child live with you and act as a single parent half the time then don’t do it, his father is willing to pick up the slack, do what’s right for your child.

I am surprised that your primary thought is "what will people think of me" rather than what is best for your child.

Do you have a job? Are you having any treatment for your depression?

One day every weekend and a week or so in the school holidays is nowhere near 50/50

The people I know who share 50/50 time with their child tend to have 3-4 consecutive days with their children and then 3-4 days without them.

@Butterflywing31just a suggestion, but you need to decide where you will be located first. Do you need your family support network? If you do, then it's 200 miles away and 50/50 won't work like that. However, it would work for you to have contact with your child at the weekend and school holidays. With the addition of phone contact.

If you're local, then I'd suggest 50/50 as one week with you and one at dads. Or a variation of midweek and weekend. Just be mindful of any midweek transition, due to schooling.

There are many ways to arrange the contact, but what is important is stability for your child. The contact needs to be positive, regular and maintained, whatever route you decide.

I wouldn’t judge you for doing 50/50 or even less but I would judge you for moving 200 miles away. Can you not stay very local to facilitate 50/50 and use your “free” time to travel regularly to your family for support?

I had PND and felt like my daughter would be better with anyone but me. Are you thinking along those lines? You say he's closer to his dad as a result of the PND etc but is this true or your depression / guilt talking?

I think you need to get help / continue to get help for the depression and ensure you have 50/50 custody.

If your bond with him has been negatively affected you need to work hard to improve it, not step back.

Have you spoke about the arrangement you mentioned in your first post, with your partner? If they are happy with that / pushing for it I think they're exploiting your weakness at a bad time.

OP, I don't mean this in a goady way, but is AIBU the right place for this discussion? You've flipped your position completely in the space of two posts, based on the strong reactions you've got here. This isn't about what other people think, it's about working out what's right for your child, and what's right for you and his dad. Why don't you ask to get this moved to Relationships?

@bluntnes100 put it perfectly.

If I’m honest yes people will be curious and surprised and may judge you a bit.

I wouldn't judge you in fact I would admire you for putting your child first and doing what you think is best for them.

I'm a childminder and residence with the father is not as unusual as it used to be, in my experience.

Most separating parents with under 5s do alternate weekends and split the weekdays between them - usually half the week and changing over on the Wednesday, alternating each week.
It becomes more difficult when school needs to be considered, but they still generally manage to split care equally unless one parent lives further away.

Anyone silly enough to judge you isn't worth bothering about. If it's an arrangement that suits you all, who are they to judge?

@MNX42

If you were the father saying this, people would tell you you are a brilliant dad, but women don't like it when other women deviate from the accepted norm. To me you sound like you have your child's best interests at heart.

I wouldn't. I'd tell him he was selfish wanting the fun weekends and school holidays and that he should be doing 50/50.