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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

252 replies

Butterflywing31 · 31/08/2020 16:22

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
CottonEyeJo · 31/08/2020 17:41

Seriously - how is 50/50 better for the child? It must be horrendous to live between two houses

topofthewardrobe · 31/08/2020 17:41

Yes, people will judge you as it's not considered the norm for the child to stay with his father. Mothers tend not to leave their children.

KitMarlowesCodpieceOfthigh · 31/08/2020 17:44

@Bluntness100

Op think about this carefully. Because with fifty fifty you will be in sole charge for three or four days a week. And then half the holidays.

Maybe build up slowly and get your depression and anxiety treated as a priority. But when you’re still like this then I would not advocate for being a single parent. That’s just going to be a million times harder than it is now. His father won’t be there to take over when you panic or feel the need to get away.

Maybe make the split, get your treatment, start with one day a week as you suggested then build it from there as you recover.

Everything Bluntness has said.

I wouldn't judge you - I think you're trying to do the best thing for your son. And I think your son needs his mummy to be looking after herself. As you get treatment for your anxiety and PND, so hopefully you can cope with more time with him.

I don't know anything about the legal side of it - are you considering any legal agreements?

I really feel for you, OP, and wish you all the very best. I have depression and anxiety, too, and I spent a lot of time feeling utterly inadequate while I was on maternity leave. There were times when I felt like it would be better for my DD if I just walked out of her life. Now I'm on proper medication, I know that's not the case, but I couldn't feel okay until I had the help I needed.

Thanks
Pebblexox · 31/08/2020 17:44

@topofthewardrobe why would you word it like that? When people split up the other parent isn't leaving their child, they are leaving the family home. That doesn't make them any less of a parent.

hammeringinmyhead · 31/08/2020 17:44

@CottonEyeJo

Would you judge the OP if she was the Dad? Or is it a female thing?

Not being goady, genuine question Smile

Yes, I would. I already said that.

However, after her latest posts I don't really think OP is in a good place to single parent for several days in a row 200 miles from family support. I would sympathise with this whether she had a penis or not.

Bbq1 · 31/08/2020 17:45

Of course you'll be judged. It's almost automatic. When you say to people I'm, "I have my ds 1 day in 7 and 7 days in 7 weeks" people are inwardly going to be shocked at that and then will judge you. Since so many pp's have asked about 50 50 care, you've suddenly started to say "Oh yes I want 50 50 care". You mentioned moving 200 miles away from your child so can't have been planning 50 50. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for your ds but if you have a close relationship with him, surely you would want to spend much more time with him?

diddl · 31/08/2020 17:46

@topofthewardrobe

Yes, people will judge you as it's not considered the norm for the child to stay with his father. Mothers tend not to leave their children.
I think that that is often though that whilst the child is very young-the mother may have given up work & been the main carer up to that point.
millymollymoomoo · 31/08/2020 17:46

50:50 doesn’t mean dad gets the graft and you get the fun bits at weekends and holidays
It means you share equally the good and the bad, the day to say responsibility
Perhaps it’s best he is with dad , no k d here knows you or him and actually there’s nothing wrong with dad having primary care either if that is what works best
But I’d also say to take time and work on your MH before you make drastic decisions

Potterpotterpotter · 31/08/2020 17:47

Yes I’d judge you and so will most people.

Your first post isn’t even close to 50%. I couldn’t even imagine letting my partner have the kids full time while seeing them a token amount of time as you described.

diddl · 31/08/2020 17:47

@topofthewardrobe

Yes, people will judge you as it's not considered the norm for the child to stay with his father. Mothers tend not to leave their children.
But how is every other weekend & one night in the week a good option either?
hammeringinmyhead · 31/08/2020 17:47

I must admit that I am surprised that people think if a dad posted here saying he had left the OP and wanted limited weekend contact only and a bit of the holidays, so his ex was responsible for all weekday childcare, we'd all say that was grand.

Emeraldshamrock · 31/08/2020 17:48

I wouldn't judge it isn't the usual set up, if it works and your ex DP is the more secure primary parent then why not.

diddl · 31/08/2020 17:48

Sorry, quoted wrong post!

MrsTWH · 31/08/2020 17:48

I wouldn’t judge you, OP. People will, but it is nothing to do with them. You and your ex have to put your child’s best interests first and you need support and space to sort out your mental health. Your child needs a mother, but you’ve repeatedly said you want 50:50 custody anyway. The most important thing is that your child has two parents who can be amicable and co-parent.

diddl · 31/08/2020 17:49

@CottonEyeJo

Seriously - how is 50/50 better for the child? It must be horrendous to live between two houses
But how is every other weekend & one night in the week a good option either?
Pebblexox · 31/08/2020 17:49

@hammeringinmyhead but on the majority of threads you see, the father does only have that time period and people comment on how that's enough.
Let's be honest, nobody in real life judges the man who sees his kids every weekend. He's commended for sticking around, so why should it be different for a mother?

Fiftysixthnamechange · 31/08/2020 17:50

You will be judged, it's one of the biggest taboos really isn't it? A mother leaving her child. You have plans in place to keep a relationship with your son but realistically how will that work long term?
If your ex works Monday-Friday do you really think he's going to be happy that you have him all weekend? When does he get to spend quality time with his son? What happens when one or either of you meet someone new? You really need to go through the proper channels and sort out a proper childcare plan, it currently sounds hazy and ad hoc and that certainly doesn't benefit your son.

Grapewrath · 31/08/2020 17:51

Op I wouldn’t judge you at all but sadly others would.
It seems fathers can walk out and be part time or weekend dads and be praised for being ‘involved’ but Mums cannot make an informed choice with the wellbeing of their child at the centre. You do what works for your family and don’t let others dictate how you arrange your lives

hammeringinmyhead · 31/08/2020 17:51

I don't know anyone who doesn't roll their eyes at every other weekend/Sundays only and assume either too busy with OW or Disney Dad.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 31/08/2020 17:52

People will judge you. People will question how you can leave your child? And people will think less of you.

My sister left her DH and her daughter stayed with her, her son stayed with dad. They were both under 10 at the time and people were absolutely vile in their judgement of how she could “allow” her son to live with dad. She had some really horrible remarks made to her and people definitely took it as a sign she was a crap mother.

Sorry if that isn’t what you wanted to hear.

tillytoodles1 · 31/08/2020 17:54

My friend's parents split when she was four and she was left with her dad. She never forgave her mum.

Yankathebear · 31/08/2020 17:54

I wouldn’t. I was brought up by my dad.
It has affected my relationship with my mum though. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear.
She left me and when I had dc I realised just how much I couldn’t do that.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 17:54

People need to understand this thread has moved on, the op is suffering from depression and anxiety, and struggles to cope. She’s doing what’s best for her child and the father is supportive.

Now she’s explained the issues her initial idea was clearly the best one for all involved.

Potterpotterpotter · 31/08/2020 17:56

My sister left her DH and her daughter stayed with her, her son stayed with dad. They were both under 10 at the time and people were absolutely vile in their judgement of how she could “allow” her son to live with dad. She had some really horrible remarks made to her and people definitely took it as a sign she was a crap mother

I have a friend that has split recently and left all 3 children with the dad while she moved out. Everyone was shocked and she got a lot of stick and still does.
I also don’t understand her position either and I think less of her for ditching her children.

eeyore228 · 31/08/2020 17:56

OP, do NOT let anyone judge you! I’ve seen some of the comments already and can’t believe the judgmental nature. You are doing what’s right for you and you child, it doesn’t make you any less of a mum, in fact I think it makes you a fantastic mum because you are going with your instinct. Too many mums think that it’s a right to have ‘THEIR’ children with them when the reality is that sometimes Dad would be the better choice for lots of reasons. Women like to blast about equality but my feeling is it will never exist in situations like this. If you ex is the right choice it’s not anyone else’s business, that said if you’re aiming for 50/50 you’ll be with as much as him anyhow. You are a fab mum because you’re making it about your child and not you. X

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