Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

[Butterflywing31]

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

Years ago a friend of mine left her abusive ex (He was never abusive to the kids). I asked her about it and she said that she truly believed that he was a better dad than she was a mum. He kids were well looked after and loved. At the end of the day she had done what was right for them all.

She left her children with a man who abused their mother. And thinks he's a better dad? That's the effect of abuse on her, right there. Poor woman.

Do what is right for your child, and to hell with other people’s judgement.

OP, I mean this kindly.

I would honestly abandon this thread now, name change and try again in a few days on a different board on mumsnet.

AIBU is a nasty place at the best of times, and you don’t sound emotionally steady enough to take the pasting you’re likely to get.

If what you want is 50/50, then you need advice about how that works in practice. Try the divorce board for advice from people who’ve been there.

I'm not sure if 50/50 works in reality. Usually one parent has the child more, at least while they are so young. So one parent during the week when child is at nursery/school, and the other during the weekend. Holidays more equal.
If you were the father writing this you wouldn't get such a response as you have had. We should be working towards equality in care and responsibility of children, not an automatic 'mother is best'. And in some cases father is best, as you have explained.

Years ago a friend of mine left her abusive ex (He was never abusive to the kids). I asked her about it and she said that she truly believed that he was a better dad than she was a mum. He kids were well looked after and loved. At the end of the day she had done what was right for them all.

What a sad post No way in hell was he the better parent.

I feel he is much better at parenting than me, I was never particularly maternal. But I do love my son and I want the absolute best for him.
Thank you for all the replies, I think 50/50 sounds like the way to go.
Just as an add on, I’d like to move nearer to my parents and extended family, but I know I need to stay near to my son.
I am in the process of getting help for my anxiety and depression, it’s all been on hold because of Covid.

They would, but why would you care. I never did/do - waste of energy.

If your mental health doesn’t allow more time with your child so be it. Better a shorter time span with a functioning mother than a full week with a shell.

sod what other people think, what is best for your son and then both parents?

anyone who judges is probably sexist and applying different rules to mums rather than dads.

In your OP

You say

and it was my decision to split

Is that part of the reason for leaving him with his Dad.?

It's much better for DS to stay with those people who he shares the strongest bond with. Go for it, OP. If you need to start afresh, you will be doing no one any harm - remember that.

If they judge you, then they shouldn’t. You are trying to do the best b6 your son. That’s what any good parent does.

@Nomorepies I don’t know, I’m just not a natural at it, his dad however is.
I have to get away from him when he screams and cries as it makes me panic, always has done. Before lockdown I was being investigated for autism/being on the spectrum.
I think I may find it easier as he gets older as he can’t communicate properly at the moment and I usually don’t know what he’s wanting then he has a full on tantrum.
I think I still have PND, apparently you can have it for years.

How would 50/50 be best for the child though?
It would be awful to be shuttled about between houses - one solid secure home is best surely??

I have regular panic attacks too, I’m on medication, but they don’t always work.

@RemyHadley

OP, I mean this kindly.

I would honestly abandon this thread now, name change and try again in a few days on a different board on mumsnet.

AIBU is a nasty place at the best of times, and you don’t sound emotionally steady enough to take the pasting you’re likely to get.

If what you want is 50/50, then you need advice about how that works in practice. Try the divorce board for advice from people who’ve been there.

Also this.

AIBU is full of people just soiling to rip someone down.

You sound like a decent person doing their best.

People need to give their head a wobble and be a bit kinder here.

No I would not judge you. We has a family friend who did this years ago. She has a very good relationship with her (now adult) son. I wish it were more normal for dads to do more and mums to do a bit less. Women will never get anywhere near equality until we actively promote that and stop thinking we are the most imortant parent. Ignore any one who judges you, they are brainwashed by the patriachy.

Also his dad has more patience than me. And he’s much calmer.

I'd judge you but it's got fuck all to do with me, or anyone else. If you feel it's the right thing then that's ultimately all that matters.

@Butterflywing31 reading your replies, I think for right now your original idea is the best.
I think you need to get some help with your depression and anxiety. Then you can revisit your arrangement for ds. Especially if you and dp are separating on good terms.
There really is nothing wrong with a father being the main caregiver despite what the majority of Mumsnet want you believe.

I'd think it wasn't any of my business and wish you the best of luck.

Do what you want to do regardless of others. Maybe start off with the child being with the dad most of the times and then slowly work your way up to 50/50?

Op think about this carefully. Because with fifty fifty you will be in sole charge for three or four days a week. And then half the holidays.

Maybe build up slowly and get your depression and anxiety treated as a priority. But when you’re still like this then I would not advocate for being a single parent. That’s just going to be a million times harder than it is now. His father won’t be there to take over when you panic or feel the need to get away.

Maybe make the split, get your treatment, start with one day a week as you suggested then build it from there as you recover.

Would you judge the OP if she was the Dad? Or is it a female thing?

Not being goady, genuine question

I would not judge you. I know how difficult mental illness is and you are doing what is the best for all of you. Whose to say things will not change in time and you will have your son more but its nobody else's business but yours. Only tell people who really need to know.