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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

344 replies

HighbrowLowbrow · 31/08/2020 13:08

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

OP posts:

workhomesleeprepeat · 31/08/2020 14:26

Push through the move. My ex was like this about so much stuff - we had very similar background differences to you. Looking back he was very insecure and didn't want to be pushed into spaces where he thought people were going to judge him etc. But its for the benefit of your child. Your DH is a SAHD, and he wants to stay in an area with shit schools? No way.

SnakesOrLadders · 31/08/2020 14:27

Yes very normal where I am. I moved to get dd into an outstanding school feeding into outstanding secondary.
Please take my advice and check other schools out I discounted ‘good’ schools and focused solely on outstanding only like a fool.
The ‘outstanding’ school in reality hasn’t been checked in years and sats were dropping annually, school was piss poor and the head left so we were without a head for over a year. Because the school was so regarded in our area class sizes were huge and appeals the norm so dd ended up in a class of 34. She was struggling to settle And struggled to concentrate due to the noise in the class. As the teaching staff were so stretched they weren’t able to help her as much as they wanted to.
We moved her to a ‘good’ school previously discounted (as it was good only) she’s in a class of 25, academy school so far more money and the results are far better than the outstanding school, it also has a lovely community feel and dd has settled much more.
Look for the right school but don’t focus on ofsted reports they are usually way out of date.

DelilahfromDevon · 31/08/2020 14:29

You have to be careful in AIBU when talking disparagingly about council flats or being wealthy etc. The socialists will be out en masse.

Anyway yes I’d 100% do it. No question at all. Do it. I guess the alternative is that you stay out and send your son private?

MadameMeursault · 31/08/2020 14:31

You have plenty of good reasons to move. His reasons for not moving are pretty flimsy I would say. Perhaps sit down together and list the pros and cons? I think it would be normal to move in your situation. Fwiw I don’t think you’re a snob or unpleasant, just someone who wants the best for her family.

DarkMintChocolate · 31/08/2020 14:31

It’s totally normal to move to get good schools! FWIW, DH is very working class and proud of it; but he didn’t want DC going to typical inner city schools. We had a choice between private schools in London or moving out for good state schools and a better quality of life. We looked at the league tables and moved out to a dormitory town for the City. All the secondary schools and most of the primary schools are good. We are so glad we did - it’s bliss to get home from working in London and be on the edge of the country!

All our neighbours moved to this area to ensure their children got into the schools, afaik.

One local secondary used to employ private detectives to root out the parents, who rented a property for 6 months to get their child in.

SurreyHillsGirl · 31/08/2020 14:32

Lots of v good schools in my area... hope you don't move here

roarfeckingroarr · 31/08/2020 14:35

Not unreasonable at all, especially if you're thinking state 'til 8 so only need to move once.

nonsenceagain · 31/08/2020 14:36

Thank you to everyone who moved to be closer to 'better' schools.

People like you have resulted in my DC not getting into our local school, the school that kids in this area have gone to for decades. Your actions have consequences.

TellYourCatISaidHi · 31/08/2020 14:36

We moved. We’d previously been living in a rather lively estate (first time buy house, fine in lots of ways but it wasn’t where we wanted to raise a family and the two local schools weren’t well regarded) so we moved when DS was 3. Turned out we hadn’t researched catchment areas properly and the new house was across the road from the boundary of the already very oversubscribed primary we’d liked - but we actually ended up preferring a different school anyway and despite not being in the catchment for that one, we got him in on the waiting list a few weeks into Reception. We’ve just bought a house near to that school. It was very chaotic at the time but everything worked out in the end.

ellenpartridge · 31/08/2020 14:37

Totally normal to move for school. Sounds like you made a bad decision with the first house and I would also want to move in your position.

roarfeckingroarr · 31/08/2020 14:38

@nonsenceagain

Thank you to everyone who moved to be closer to 'better' schools.

People like you have resulted in my DC not getting into our local school, the school that kids in this area have gone to for decades. Your actions have consequences.

Your kids have no greater right to go there than theirs do. Nothing wrong with wanting to do what's best for your child.

NoSquirrels · 31/08/2020 14:38

@nonsenceagain

Thank you to everyone who moved to be closer to 'better' schools.

People like you have resulted in my DC not getting into our local school, the school that kids in this area have gone to for decades. Your actions have consequences.

How can that be the case, though? Same amount of houses, presumably same amount of kids in those houses - doesn't matter who lives in them, does it?

jessstan2 · 31/08/2020 14:38

It's quite normal, I didn't do it but know people who did and it was a wise move on their part.

The80sweregreat · 31/08/2020 14:40

I'm not a teacher but I have worked in a school .
Our local primary had it's ofsted about 2012 and not had one since. They go on about its ' outstanding ' rating but much of it is political and the hoops they jumped through was an eye opener ( I'm sure most schools are the same : put the more challenging children in a different room with two TAs for lunch time , all get in for 6am, deep clean the rooms the night before, put some of the stuff away in storage and make sure all staff have safe guarding training ! )
It was nerve racking and I only do a few hours in the morning. I'm sure there was more than that going on too of course , but I felt like we were 'on show 'the whole time ( shudder)
It must be awful as a teacher going through that.
I'm sure it must be hard for them to hang on their outstanding rating though as things change and people leave and the curriculum changes over the years too. It's been a while since they had one done.

Barton10 · 31/08/2020 14:41

Totally normal. I did it and never regretted it. Education is important and you are doing the best for your DC.

MarshaBradyo · 31/08/2020 14:42

Definitely move before school starts.

makingbacon · 31/08/2020 14:43

Yes it's normal but TBH you should have talked about all this before kids or whilst TTC. You and you husband don't sound like you're on the same page in regards to a lot of things in life.

nonsenceagain · 31/08/2020 14:45

My kids actually live in the area, and we're very involved in it (school gives etc...) Losing places to people who buy locally in the months before places are decided has a real impact on our community. Many of the kids near us ended up being sent to schools miles away and lost their friendship circles for a start.

My kids have no more right than anyone else, but neither do yours. This dog eat dog attitude to education is not going to help anyone in the end and it stymies social mobility for the least well off. I would be completely up for random school placements across catchments

jessstan2 · 31/08/2020 14:46

@BigBadVoodooHat

and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses

It’s a long time since I’ve seen someone jump the shark so blatantly in their first paragraph.

Nothing wrong with saying that. I wouldn't like that either, neither would anyone who had the choice.

It sounds like a good idea to move, op, for all sorts of reasons but particularly for a good school catchment area.

I have a 'hobby' (sad I know) of looking on Rightmove - I may downsize if I can find the right place - and every house lists the local schools and says something about them if they are good

Minimumstandard · 31/08/2020 14:46

YANBU to do it. YABU to talk/post about it.. Silent hypocrisy is preferred in these matters. In real life, we make lots of decisions based on what we perceive as being best for our DC.

MostlyHappyMummy · 31/08/2020 14:47

Seems crazy not to move when it would be an easier commute for you and your husband doesn’t work
School issue is secondary to the commute

SciFiScream · 31/08/2020 14:47

We checked the catchment area of our house before we moved. Apparently our primary school is the best of 5 in our area...however based on the moaning and comparing with the other schools sometimes I doubt that!

If it's really schools you are interested in you need to check those out before you decide about moving.

Good transport links and amenities should be high on your list too and it does sound like they are. I think you need to bring your DH along with you rather than imposing an idea on him.

Keep talking about it.

anon444877 · 31/08/2020 14:48

Leaving aside all else, your commute would be less so you’d see more of your ds. Sufficient reason to move regardless of schools. Dig your heels in about moving, yanbu.

nonsenceagain · 31/08/2020 14:48

Obviously more houses were built and lots of flats too, and the catchment was extended in the opposite direction to us. This is partly down to poor planning by the authorities, but also down to an influx of new residents who happened to have school aged children.

nonsenceagain · 31/08/2020 14:50

I don't mean to derail this thread and I wish the OP all the best. We all want to do the best for kids, but I'm convinced That the uncertain system and the anxiety around places every year is not good for any of us. I'll bow out now.

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