To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

[HighbrowLowbrow]

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

I'd also say a house in a good catchment is a far better investment than private school. At least you have a house that you own at the end of it.

Normal, I live near 2 outstanding primaries. Lots of homes are rented out.

Im really sorry but unfortunately, your ugly judgemental attitude will follow you!
Your husband sounds like a well grounded person!

Many do, it costs a lot though (in London). Some catchment areas are very small and can shrink to the same street when there’s a lot of siblings.

If this wasn't a thing why are house prices higher near excellent schools?

He must have reasons more than just not wanting to move. You have to sit down and do a pluses and minuses list with him. Maybe he’s concerned he’ll be isolated in a suburban area with no car. Maybe he is concerned he won’t fit in with the middle class mums at the school gate as a SAHD. You won’t know what his worries are if you don’t sit down and really listen to him.

Not sure why you are getting so much flack on here, OP. The number of chips on shoulders is staggering.

Saying you have an ugly view of a not very nice council estate is totally understandable. Most people, given the choice, would pick a view of fields or a over a nice park or garden than view of grey houses. It doesn't make you an arsehole.

Also agree that many parents move to good catchment areas. It's not to say that children can't do well in a poor school, but they are probably more likely to do well in a good or outstanding rated school

If this wasn't a thing why are house prices higher near excellent schools?

Of course it's a 'thing'. Whether it's a good thing is highly debatable. It's also why England has such an entrenched class system.

catchments are tiny where I am, eg furthest offer was 200 metres so you need to check previous yrs offers.

This is entirely normal in my social circle.

@Ignomen I wasn't commenting on the ethics, simply answering the OPs post plus other posters didn't seem aware this was a thing.

Yes, this is a normal thing to do and I know several people who have done it. I agree with a PP who said you should suggest this to your DH and let him get used to the idea. He may just hate the upheaval of moving, which is understandable. And I’d do some more research into what the local schools are like; Ofsted reports don’t tell you everything. You need to be a position to make an informed joint decision.

Try to ignore the nasty remarks on here. There are always a few.

You are reasonable to ask him what's important to him concerning his children. If his answer was that it was important to live permanently somewhere far from your work and from good schools when you could afford to buy somewhere closer without trading down in size (Most people IME trade down in size for location) then I'd be interested in his argument and would judge him for this. I value education and children's happiness like you, OP.

Good luck.

I moved to a much better area purely for the secondary school 2 years before DD was due to go to secondary.
I'm a single parent so didn't have to run it past anybody else but rent here is horrendously expensive and I've really had to cut my costs to be able to afford it.

I dont think it matters whether its 'normal' or not, I only think it matters that you want to and your husband doesn't.

I'd focus on the specific benefits that he will be interested in rather than the ones he isn't eg education.

For instance how much will it save on commuting (time rather than money) per week and how will that benefit him / your son? If you have another child, is it closer to things like baby groups etc for him to go to. What else is in this other area that you can't get at your house eg is it safer for kids to play out when they're older, is there less crime, is it closer to other things that a bigger child will be interested in eg leisure centre etc. Is he likely to work again when your son goes to school and what would his commute likely look like from the new area? Where are your friends and family?

Fundamentally it does sound like you have a very different outlook

We lived in a gorgeous part of town. The nearest school was horrendous and had previously been shut down & taken over. But EYFS looked good & we wanted to give it a go.

The staff turnover was extremely high and attendance was extremely low. Ofsted kept coming back and rating it “requires improvement”.

DS is moving into year 2 and we have only just moved house and now we’re surrounded by “good” schools. I don’t mind which one he goes to (still waiting for a place tbc)

His old school was so bad that anything is an improvement.

Weird thing is that we’ve moved to a poorer area for better schools. People are nicer here too.

Don’t judge any schools by “the look” of the area. That’s just plain lunacy.

The fact that you have two degrees, are a lawyer and have high aspirations is totally irrelevant, surely, and I can't really understand why you feel the need to impart this information.

I mention it because DH has often said he never thought he'd own a house of his own, so the idea of buying a very nice, expensive house in a posh area does not seem natural to him. Whereas I just think "What's the best house we can afford?" and it doesn't seem strange at all to me to spend a couple of hundred thousand extra to get a house in the desirable bit of town with good schools that's not a complete pain to travel to and from.

I should also add that one of his best friends lives in the "nice" area and has kids of a similar age. We barely see them though because it's such a pain to get to there from our house on the outskirts of the city.

This is a really fundamental issue of compatibility at the very foundations of your relationship. Without wishing to do the knee-jerk MN thing of suggesting that you get counselling I think you might need to consider speaking to a third party about this. I don't think anyone on MN can help you to make him capitulate and even if you manage it he will resent you.

Totally normal here! You either go private or you buy in the right areas. Bonus points if you managed to work out what to do before kids arrive! Most people start to panic move when the kids are 3 or 8/9!!

@HighbrowLowbrow

and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses

It’s a long time since I’ve seen someone jump the shark so blatantly in their first paragraph.

They are really ugly looking buildings - I'm not saying anything about the occupants. The house we live in has an upstairs living room and all I can see is the roof of the house behind us. It's not a nice view. I'd post a photo but it might be outing.

Why not just say the are ugly rather than ugly council estate ? As for your house, you bought it, nobody forced you.

The only person I know who moved house for schools was a woman working at the local high school who moved to get her children into the outstanding high school 3 miles away rather than the good high school she was in the catchment area for. She comes across as snobbish and unpleasant as you do.

well hes not wrong that you're a snob.

YABU to assume Ofsted results are meaningful.

And here the good primary and secondary are rarely in the same catchment, so that's 2 moves, and the boys and girls have slightly different catchments!

I'm a single mum and have worked hard to save, build up equity and move to the catchment of the best possible secondary school in my area so my boys can attend. Its massively important to me for them to have the best chances. People do amazingly having been to not very good schools but it's much less likely.

I would be really, really upset in your position as I think your partner is being unbelievably selfish. The child having more opportunities should be more important to him than his own convenience.

The difficulty with this is schools can quickly change. I had my eye on one near by, it was "outstanding" it has just had another ofsted and dropped to RI. For this reason I wouldn't move for a primary I don't think.