To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

[HighbrowLowbrow]

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

I’m quite surprised at some of the answers TBH. Schools were one of the main things we looked at when choosing where to live. What I’ve found out since having kids is, it’s not just about the standard of education but the social life too. You end up spending a lot of time with other parents, at parties, sports events, play dates etc so it’s a big deal and if you are , for example the arty type then a very stiff grammar school vibe might not suit you. The school ends up playing a big role in the life of the whole family

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, though ideally if there was any chance of dcs you’d have considered this before you moved where you are now.
Our kids go to a good primary but we are strongly considering moving to give us a better chance of getting them into a much better secondary (there are other factors too as in your case).

Probably a view a bit out of date but Kirsty and Phil always suggested a crap house in a nice area over a nice house in a crap area (not saying your house is in a crap area). Potential for making money on it far higher. So try and sell this angle to your dh.

OTOH don’t write off schools just because of what ofsted says. Schools can go down a grade really easily for arbitrary and random reasons often to do with admin rather than the actual teaching.

I thought it was normal to move to an area with better schools, if you can afford to do so of course. That’s why houses usually cost more if they are in the catchment area for good schools. We looked at the schools first before we even considered viewing a property.

The poor amenities is another major reason to move, especially as you don’t drive. The anti-social behaviour is another issue that’s concerning, although this could be an issue anywhere. You could also end up with neighbours like this, if some of the threads on MN are anything to go by.

I wouldn’t hesitate to move if I was in your shoes. Maybe have a look on Rightmove and show your DH a few homes to look at, and go and have a look around the areas you’re thinking of moving to. It might inspire him to think about moving.

I definitely think you should move! Can you reassure your DH that it’s the last move? It’s not just about the school, you have loads of good reasons for moving.

He now says he thinks it's weird for people to move if they already own a big enough house, like the property ladder isn't a thing?

How awful to be married to someone who doesn't think it's his duty as a citizen to grimly scramble up the property ladder to whatever Big Prize is at the top. Or were you under the impression it was compulsory?

Absolutely normal to love to get your child in to a better school, it’s your child’s school for one.

We are just out of the catchment area for the one we want our Dd to be in, so was considering moving closer to the village as the ones around me I simply don’t want her in. However, her primary School is a partner of the academy we want her in, Shes Also I’m the school band and her dad lives across the road (We share care 50/50) so we are counting our blessings there as we know she’s got a decent chance without us moving.

However, I do think t need to compromise with your partner - it both sounds like you have opposing desires concerning the house. You know this can’t just be one way Op, as the other person will never be happy. You both are going to have to get your heads together and give a little here

Perfectly normal around here. My parents did it (for secondary) and we did it (for primary.)

And I wouldn't want to back onto a council estate either, if I could afford not to.

And you're certainly not in the minority either - I used to work for a local estate agent, and the two most commonly asked questions were a) what are the local schools like and b) are there any housing association properties on the street.

I think it's completely reasonable. When we moved to our new city I purposely researched schools and ensured we moved to a good catchment area.

We looking at moving interstate and oneof our biggest motivations is schools for dd10 and the further education is much better. Fits with what she wants to do, unlike our current state who offer lots in medical field but it's not what she wants, or tech for armed forces, again, not in her interests

Where we are now, she goes to school in town over cos the local one is bad for facilities, bullying, engaged teachers, pushes local kids to farming and little else. Little for kids to do leisure apart from get drunk and trash cars in fields. Its an hour and a half trip just to go say ten pin bowling or the cinemas, no public transport, jobs are hard to find

Your dh being unreasonable, me and dp have never lived in another state but there is just nothing for us here, life is stagnant. The opportunities that could open up by moving to a better state and area are worth the upheaval. If you have the means, it's seems crazy to stay still and just make do

If you can afford to, why wouldn't you move?

YANBU and school isn't just about the exam results. It's their social life too. Ultimately we prefer to hang out with like minded people.

Lots of people move for this reason I think your DH is really holding you all back just because he can't face moving.

Maybe he can learn to drive - it's ridiculous neither of you can drive yet live somewhere with not much in the way of amenities.

I'm quite bemused by the fact that people on MN are so anti teacher - yet happily admit they move house to get to a good school. Presumably we're not all so bad?

Your DH is being ignorant / immature / selfish. The child’s education is way more important than what the house is like. And yes is pretty standard to move for that reasons.

You also have to think about who their friends will be ie if they go to a rough school they are going to turn out either rough or bullied.

Sounds exhausting, good luck OP.

I literally don't know anyone that didn't either move to ensure good schools or just buy their first house in an area with good schools already. Good schools tends to be correlated with fewer social issues too.

Please remember that estate agents are probably the worst culprits of all for using ‘catchment’ incorrectly. A true catchment is a specific area drawn on a map and it changes only with public consultation. The informal use of ‘catchment’ to mean the area which has historically been close enough to get into a school causes a lot of confusion. Please don’t take an EA’s word for it!

When we sold our flat and bought a family home I considered the catchment area then. I’m a teacher and I think excellent primary schools are essential.

I’m with you. I went to a mediocre state secondary and I’ve always had regrets about it.

We currently rent but live in an area with high levels of crime, air pollution and other significant social problems. When we can afford to buy it’ll be to a much naicer area for very good schools.

If we can’t afford to buy before we’re due to apply for DS’ schools then so be it - we’ll rent again but in catchment for a good school in a nice area.

I just really don’t understand why you wouldn’t do this, unless you couldn’t afford it or had other significant local ties eg settled existing children or local family/job.

P.S though I do not agree with your generalised point about council estates. A bigoted view. I have lots of relatives on such estates and they’re far more law abiding than many middle class people...

though I do not agree with your generalised point about council estates. A bigoted view. I have lots of relatives on such estates and they’re far more law abiding than many middle class people...

I didn't say anything about residents of the council estate not being law-abiding - I said the view from our living room was a council estate with particularly ugly buildings I also said upthread that I spent a year living in a flat in a council block. Is it a crime to acknowledge that some council houses are particularly badly-designed? Not all of them, but these ones are.

There are problems with anti-social behaviour around here, but I did not suggest that those problems emanated from the council estate as I don't know where the troublemakers live and wouldn't want to jump to conclusions.