To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

[HighbrowLowbrow]

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

I moved for schools and am happy with my decision.

Pretty shocking that he wouldn't move to enable you an easier commute when he's a SAHD

I think when schools have such different reputations this is inevitable. I'm sure all most parents want is a decent local school.

I think, when you move, your husband will realise you made the right decision. He probably hates change and, let's face it, it is an upheaval but in the end it will be for the best. I'm sure you don't judge schools just on Ofsted by the way, you can find out the reputation of a school without that.

I'd really like to know what is 'snobbish' about wanting a house in a better area. Most people do!

Yes I think it's normal to move for schools and also normal just to move up the ladder if you can afford it. It doesn't sound like your current area offers much so you'd probably want to move at some point anyway, so makes sense before DC start school.

PS: I cannot think of an entire area with no parking space. I know you don't drive but husband may want to in time. I'm retired and don't have a car so don't need a garage but every house or flat that I've looked at has some sort of private parking. It is an asset and you may want to move again one day so at least make sure you don't buy anywhere that is all yellow-lined; the ideal would be a place with a driveway if not a garage, or rear access.

Good luck.

Leaving aside the council estate comment, it's normal to want to move into the catchment area of a more middle class school. It's also normal not to want to max out your mortgage borrowing, particularly when the economy is about to tank. Neither is an unreasonable perspective.

People on here being so weird. Why in the world would ANYONE choose to live in a poorer area, surrounded by ugly houses that is inconveniently located for work and in a catchment for rubbish schools if they could afford to move. There is obviously some jealousy on MN for people to suggest that the OP is on some way a bad person for wanting to move. Why in God's name WOULDN'T one move to a nicer area that is closer to work and in a good catchment area?

It’s a risky thing to do. Schools can change very rapidly particularly if the head teacher changes. In 3 years time things could be very different.

You come across as a snob & you seem to think that your education/background make you superior to your husband. You are undoubtedly better educated but that doesn’t mean your opinion counts for more than his.

It is totally normal to move house for a school catchment. It’s also probably a better investment to buy a house in a good area.
It sounds like your husband has low aspirations and may not understand or care that the crap local schools may put your son at a disadvantage. I have seen close family subtly undermine and discourage their child from achieving academically. In the end it became apparent that it was because they didn’t want her to become something different to them, because they feared they would lose her.
Or perhaps your DH feels he doesn’t deserve anything better since he isn’t contributing financially? It sounds more like he fell into being a SAHD due to unemployment rather than choice. Maybe he needs some counselling and careers advice to get him back into the workforce. If he won’t move based on schools then will he agree to it for your convenience?

I largely agreed with you, until you posted this

I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

This makes you sound pretty awful tbh.

Hi OP, school catchment was one of our main considerations when we chose to move from our apartment to a house just prior to ttc. Sounds as though you’re being really sensible, I hope your DH comes round to your way of thinking soon

@WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername

Well yes you could move to an area with better school but it doesn’t guarantee you a place in that school.

I don't know anyone who didn't get a place in their catchment school. I'm in Scotland, perhaps it's different elsewhere

Very much so.

I know of someone who’s child didn’t get in, but two doors down the road did.

She was just that little bit too far even though it was her catchment.

Also schools can change. Our primary was brilliant and then got a new head and now it’s shite. I pulled my youngest out and sent him elsewhere.

In your shoes I would tell DH to find a job and get the child into nursery.

Then I would tell him that you need to move areas for schools.

The way things are if you split up he would keep the child and you’d have to pay maintenance.

You need to tread carefully because long term you’re going to have to support tow house holds.

Plan longer term now.

Then go and view some houses.

Yes it is normal within the system we are in. Of course not everyone can, which is not fair but not your fault. Aspirational parents, middle class or not, will play the game. Maybe get him to look at the Progress 8 scores on all the govt league tables to show that your child will have a better chance in some schools than others (and not just because the intake is more able, which is the other score). Also look at the distance data for all the further away schools so you can see if you stand any chance of getting any of them anyway.

I think you’re being very sensible. In addition, it doesn’t seem to me that you’re boasting or being snobbish; you’re simply being honest about your motives. Who wouldn’t move to give their children the best education they can? People must be nuts if they wouldn't move if they could comfortably afford it.

Totally normal. We were thinking of it for secondary, albeit about meeting the needs of our child rather than top grades. But of course you also want to avoid schools with behaviour issues. I went to a school which wasn’t nice and middle class, I’m working class but was quiet and studious. It was bad to be clever. I don’t want want my kids experiencing that, and feeling physically unsafe. I don’t care if that’s snobby, I just don’t want them to have a tough time and have their confidence shattered. It’s not a coincidence that private school kids have tones of confidence and do better in their careers.

I know a few people that have moved house to get a better school. It's not unusual. I would have considered it myself had dc not got into a decent school anyway.

yes, we did for both moves. We moved into an area which has all good primaries and secondaries and when we moved the 2nd time we made sure we were still in the catchment for local secondary (just a good comprehensive school that caters for all abilities, so nothing extra special). It wasn't the only criteria but it was certainly up there in our priorities. I worked in many schools from private, outstanding state to a school in special measures and I would never allow my child to go to a school that was having problems.

You had me on side until this:

and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses

Didn't bother reading beyond that point.

YABVU

It's normal where I am, there are a couple of very sought after single sex schools which people aspire to have their children attend, even though all the schools around me are outstanding. 🤷‍♀️

I would move without a shadow of a doubt. Why would I sent my children to a shitty school unless I had no choice? Surely everyone wants their kids to have the best opportunities.

It's common in some circles. Certainly not in all.

Most working class people can't afford to move for schools.

People moving into the catchment areas of good schools raises the house prices around the school, and prices out working-class families, furthering class divisions. It's a very middle class practice.

It is perfectly normal for people to do this.
Why wouldn't you if you could?

Everyone I know considers the school more important than the house. Not prioritizing education when you are a parent just seems bizarre to me.