To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

[HighbrowLowbrow]

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

To be honest hearing your description about your dh background, achievements and general lack of educational aspiration then I’d be inclined to discount his views on any matter affecting the education of your dc.

Moving is not as crucial at primary level as parental influence is so much stronger but having the right school at secondary level seems to be more important. Perhaps look at revisiting in a few years.

Of course you’re not a snob, OP. Honestly I can’t believe the attitudes on here! You are working hard, wanting to live somewhere nice with good schools is just good sense. Obviously check out schools/go visit before you move! Ofsted isn’t everything.

Where I live most people consider catchments when they move from a 1/2 bed couple flat to a “family house”. We stayed in our flat till ds was 2 then moved with schools in mind along with other child/family considerations.
Tbh my hear would have sunk and talk of moving just 2 years or so after the previous move but yes, moving somewhere with good schools and amenities is a reasonable idea.

It's common for secondary schools here, most primary schools are good so not so common for primary,but it does happen.

He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move.

I can see that if he finds change difficult this is more frustrating for you.

I think as the main wage earner you should have some say in having an easier commute. And being close to good schools is a great thing to do.

Are you close to DH's family in the place you are now? Is he perhaps a bit worried about 'fitting in' as the SAHP - you have made mention of his background and so I guess this must come into it for him and/or you in some way, even if unconsciously?

I would be annoyed too, I think. It makes more sense to
trade up in housing the younger you are, as you can then pay it off as quickly as possible. So if you can afford it, your job is secure and you would like to have the most options for schools etc then yes, I would want my opinion to have a lot of weight in this. You moved somewhere closer for his job last time you moved. Now he isn't working outside the home, and you are, it seems reasonable to move for your job.

Most of my friends have bought houses carefully chosen due to school catchments!

We are selling a family house at the moment - it’s needing a bit of tlc but is 150m from one of the best primaries in the area so is practically selling itself.

In real life I dont know a single person that would move to be closer to a "good " school, especially primary

In real life I don't know a single person that wouldn't!

We were lucky that we were in the catchment for the primary we wanted, but we moved to get into the catchment for the secondary. Lots of people do!

Actually the likelihood of good school attainment is very much predicted by parental attainment. If yours is good then it should be OK. Ofsted is very much a paper and desk based exercise based on previous student's results. It cannot tell you if your child would take to the area, the school and facilities. I suppose the outstanding ones tell you you would be more likely to meet parents who think an outstanding rating means something too. So at least you'd find your tribe at PTA meetings rather than the sort of parent who values their child learning to encounter people from a range of backgrounds. The

We have compromised for an outstanding primary and moved for a secondary. So yes, I have moved for a school.

Relocated with Dh's job, to get into catchment of an outstanding primary we slightly downsized in terms of what we wanted due to tightness of catchment. Always had the intention of moving to a bigger house on the same estate once both children were in school.

However, local feeder secondary is just "good" so as I am a long term SAHM we cast the net wide, ie how far was I willing to drive every day to keep children in that primary and choose a house in catchment for an outstanding secondary? 30 minutes was my goal, I drove 10 minutes for 7 years. Children are now in sixth form and secondary school. Absolutely no regrets.

Moved to a great area but the local primary was requires improvement meaning we could afford a much bigger house for a lot less money. over a decade later that primary is now outstanding

I cannot understand given the school, lack of amenities, commute for your work why your Dh will not consider it.

My dh was also brought up on a council house in an East London borough in the 70s and he went to a brilliant school. His two years older than me and we often compare notes as my comp was so bad and he did all sorts ; Latin, learnt the guitar he had a top class education compared to me and we only lived about five miles apart.
Also many schools haven't had an ofsted report this year because of covid so it makes me wonder if all this might level out the playing fields a bit with schools?
It's sad that not all schools are good : I'm hearing more and more people sending their children to private schools as well as the local ones to them are not great or they don't want to move home.

I mention it because DH has often said he never thought he'd own a house of his own, so the idea of buying a very nice, expensive house in a posh area does not seem natural to him.

It sounds as if he's got some deep-seated insecurities/worries/issues around stability and over-stretching etc. Having lost his job, and now being a SAHP, he might also feel vulnerable on that score. I would tread carefully and respectfully but not back down if it's what you want. You don't need to move just yet, but you should agree a timeline and maybe look at all the figures and budgets and stuff.

It's not just about Ofsted - the schools are just generally thought of as barely OK. In some ways I think it matters more what secondary school DS goes to, but I want to get any move over with so he can make friends rather than uprooting him in year 6.

We moved/relocated 60 miles for good schools and I’m glad we did.

We are moving for the secondary school. For me it is a no brainier.

It actually cost us less to send our children to fee-paying primary than it would have to move into the catchment for the decent state primary (houses £800k+)

Completely normal to me too, my parents did the same for my brother and I!
A good education is priceless!

We moved to be in the catchment of the secondary school we wanted.

Many Outstanding schools have not had an OFSTED inspection for many years I believe the longest is 11 years
Therefore you may be in for a nasty shock of you move for a better school
and discover that
all the staff and all the pupils have changed since they last had an inspection

FWIW the vast vast bulk of people DO NOT move house for schools
in fact huge numbers of people cannot afford to move at all

Tbh, I totally understand why one would move in order to be in the catchment for ‘better’ schools, However, I would be careful about focusing solely on the OFSTED reports which have increasingly become a box ticking exercise.
The primary school my dc attended was classed as ‘good’ and then became a school that no one wanted their kids to attend, all within three years.

Agree @ListeningQuietly- Many Outstanding schools haven’t had an OFSTED inspection for years.

Get the house valued, show him some online and argue your case without insulting his hometown. Try and see if you can get a hook for him in the new properties ( workshop/ hobby etc).

It sounds like you have pretty good reasons beyond just schools, easier commute (did you actually say that?), closer to friends, nicer area, etc.

I think he needs to give equally good reasons not to move.

I agree that secondary matters more and I'd move for a good secondary (not for a view of prettier houses). I know lots of families who have done this, not just for academic performance but things like schools that have a good reputation for pastoral care, SEN, dealing with bullying, being friendly inclusive places. Don't assume your child will thrive at the school with the best exam results - I have a friend who moved into the catchment of a very high achieving comprehensive and her dcs were not particularly happy at the school. I also know families who live close to Outstanding schools but have sent their dcs elsewhere for somewhere that suited them better. Also worth remembering that schools can change quite quickly for all sorts of reasons like staff changes, etc.