To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

[HighbrowLowbrow]

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

I think it’s really important to remember that a school that does well in results might not be the best school. Certainly it might be in an area of led deprivation and therefore the children do better. That doesn’t mean the staff or school is better.
My dd attended a school that got good results, but by far not the best in quite a vulnerable area with a high level of SEN and poverty however the teachers and standards of education were exceptional.
Dd went on the achieve amazing GCSEs. Don’t base a school on how invested the parents appear or how ‘nice’ an area is

Unfortunately I think the way you have worded your post has not gained you much sympathy here! But, I think you are right. Surely the fact that the new area is a lot closer to work is a selling point in itself? I agree secondary school is a long way off, but I would absolutely move to be nearer a decent primary if I was in your position and could afford to.

Yes it’s common to move to better schools but actually this is part of what is wrong in education and the growing social gap. I want to weep for the naturally intelligent children born to families in those ugly council houses.

Hear hear, @Wearywithteens

If you are the breadwinner then you generally get to decide these things in my experience.

You and your child would benefit (you with a shorter commute, your child with a better school/education).
Your DH needs to suck it up, he doesn't get to decide that his priorities are more important than yours or your dc.

You earn the dosh, you hold the power - it's this how it goes?

@sallyshirt

If you are the breadwinner then you generally get to decide these things in my experience.

You and your child would benefit (you with a shorter commute, your child with a better school/education).
Your DH needs to suck it up, he doesn't get to decide that his priorities are more important than yours or your dc.

You earn the dosh, you hold the power - it's this how it goes?

Really?

I can just imagine if the OP was a SAHM and her DH was the high flyer people telling her she needed to suck it up as he earned the money. Not. He’d be called controlling and an abuser.

"I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD)."

OP you sound like a horrible person with no respect for your husband's background or choices. someone without a degree can still do well in life, and there's nothing wrong at all with being a SAH mum or dad. presumably, if he didn't do that, you'd have to actually, heaven forbid, spend some time with your child! your post is laiden with assumption, judgment and snobbery. the school you go to really doesn't matter if you're prepared to work hard, all state schools have their bad points and often, OFSTED outstanding schools are lacking in other areas, e.g. pastoral care, family support etc.

I want to weep for the naturally intelligent children born to families in those ugly council houses.

That was DH and I, both left school and straight into jobs. mine at peak unemployment and him at age 16 into a manual job. Both from families with 6/7 DC.

He now has 2 degrees, I did day release from work. We live in a lovely neighbourhood in a large 4 bed detached, 3 cars, DC went to a top 10 state school (not England) we have no mortgage, generally live well, 2 DC in Uni. I'm a higher rate taxpayer, he works for NHS doing a job he loves.

No need to weep for us. However my parents always worked and they raised us to be decent hardworking citizens. To be fair they didn't have a lot of ambition for us beyond keeping out of trouble and getting a decent job. Friend of my DM once commented how "lucky" she was that we were all in jobs in our own homes etc and my DM remarked that luck had nothing to do with it.

I don't entirely agree, some people struggle and never seem to get out of the bit. I'm grateful that we all did though and we've been able to offer our DC a better start.

So back to the question, in your position I'd move and also have a proper discussion with your DH about how he sees raising your children since at the moment he is the biggest influence. My DH was also a stay at home parent for a few years as that is what suited us, but he worked hard at it and did lots of stuff that was good for them but wouldn't have ben his choice - toddler groups etc.

Yep. We're commuting to a suitable primary school and I'm keeping an eye on the local comp. If it's not looking too sharp by the time DD is in Yr4 we'll be looking to move.

@sallyshirt

If you are the breadwinner then you generally get to decide these things in my experience.

You and your child would benefit (you with a shorter commute, your child with a better school/education).
Your DH needs to suck it up, he doesn't get to decide that his priorities are more important than yours or your dc.

You earn the dosh, you hold the power - it's this how it goes?

bloody hell sallyshirt surely you dont think that? is being a stay at home mum/dad not just as important for the family? surely most couples share most of their finances - staying at home is what faciliates the other person's 'dosh'. i hate how being a stay at home parent is somehow seen as less important/worthy - imo it can be more difficult not having that 'escape' to work.

most couples I know share finances and the stay at home parent is given equal decision making power. do you also think that if one member of the couple earns more than the other, they should have more 'power'?

I'd do it. In fact we did. There are several good primary schools, and Grammar schools and an excellent secondary modern.

What's more my goodly Socialist mother and grandparents did for me back in the 1970s. Moved away from a Comp to a Grammar School area.

If you can afford to upgrade without being completely stretched why wouldn't you.

YANBU OP. You are quite right to hit the ground running while you are young and have most energy, and moving house now makes far more sense than having to blow the money on private school later.

I hate to say this, but from this distance it sounds like you may have an ungrateful cocklodger on board. Only you can know if that is true or not, but your husband's lack of imagination this young in life would wear me down. It doesn't bode well for later in life in my experience. Keep reminding him that if it had been down to him last time you would never move anywhere, and how well that has turned out.

It is also not unreasonable as the (current) only earner to have an eye to your journey to work in and amongst. Is he at least a decent SAHF, or are you picking up the slack there as well?

Good luck!

Regardless isn't it usually the woman that tends to sort schools etc out for their kids? I know sometimes it will be a joint decision but In my experience it's women that drive these things.
My DD would never have had any place at nursery or school if I hadn't done all the leg work. It never crossed her dads mind to be part of it.
She starts secondary next week, I researched all the schools. I put the application in and I took DD to all the open evenings. Once her place was offered I've filled all the forms in, read the many many emails from the school, sorted her uniform and everything else she'll need. I've also joined the school parents FB page and organised meet ups before school starts as DD wing know anyone.
What's he done??? Nothing except pay half towards the uniform.
I'm the higher earner working full time he works 4 days on 4 days off so has mord free time than me too.

Also I’d get in quickly before stamp duty holiday ends. If that applies where you are.

Of course as you are very middle class with high aspirations and two whole degrees, first class no less, you couldn’t possibly live with a view of a council estate. It must be a horrific existence.

Fairly common round here. Alternatively as a higher earner presumably you could go private? Sounds like you don't really like the house anyway though so perhaps that is more of an issue.

There's no question you should move, but it's not because you are the one who earns the money - it's because you would get tangible positive benefits out of it, both you and your DC. Your DH has literally no reason not to move save for inverse snobbery/a chip on his shoulder, and some very brief hassle during the move itself. In the long term he will also benefit from having an equal share in a better real estate investment.

There's no question you should move, but it's not because you are the one who earns the money - it's because you would get tangible positive benefits out of it, both you and your DC. Your DH has literally no reason not to move save for inverse snobbery/a chip on his shoulder, and some very brief hassle during the move itself. In the long term he will also benefit from having an equal share in a better real estate investment.

Yes it’s common to move to better schools but actually this is part of what is wrong in education and the growing social gap. I want to weep for the naturally intelligent children born to families in those ugly council houses

That social gap is down to behaviour issue, because some parents don’t value education, don’t read to their kids, don’t speak to them, don’t take them anywhere. The schools are on catchup before the kids start reception.

The other reason is so often parents of special education needs kids often have to give up work to care for them and it reduces their earning and choices, more often than not, it tears the relationship apart and woman end up as single parents. You then get classes of 50% SEN which is harder to teach and meet all their needs.

Sorry for posting twice! Hate the app.

@Nandocushion

There's no question you should move, but it's not because you are the one who earns the money - it's because you would get tangible positive benefits out of it, both you and your DC. Your DH has literally no reason not to move save for inverse snobbery/a chip on his shoulder, and some very brief hassle during the move itself. In the long term he will also benefit from having an equal share in a better real estate investment.

Very sensible.

Lots of people wouldn't send kids to private school if they were in the catchment area for a good school. More people would try to move to areas with good schools of stamp duty weren't so prohibitive etc. Lots of people move to good catchment areas purely for the school. Do what you need to do OP. Makes sense to me.

Op you are perfectly reasonable to want to move to a better area for your son! I moved countries for mine!! Its a parent's job to do everything they can to make sure their child has the best start in life. Nothing to do with class. Working class parents do this too.

People would go to any length not to send their kids to the school my children go to.

It's snobbish pyre and simple.

The daft thing is. The school they all try and get into (the one we wanted too because its closest) is pretty mediocre.

Our school is really brilliant and has gone from Special Measures to probably the best school locally.

Yet still parents say no way are my kids going there. Great for the kids at the school & I don't have to deal with competitive mums.

That social gap is down to behaviour issue, because some parents don’t value education, don’t read to their kids, don’t speak to them, don’t take them anywhere. The schools are on catchup before the kids start reception.

Yeah, keep your children away from them, because it might be catching.