To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

[HighbrowLowbrow]

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

Although schools is one important consideration- I would also talk to your husband about whether he sees the current home being the one you are going to be in the longer term? The home where you will raise your kids till they leave home and potentially come back with their young families.
If not- then perhaps it’s a good time to move- as you also then get to benefit from the schools you want to send your kids to.

@ListeningQuietly

I live in a really crap catchment and cannot afford to move but sent my kids to the next school along bus fare was cheaper than estate agents fees

That only works if the schools have plenty of space. If you live more than 400m from my kid's school then you ain't getting in.

I would move, 100%

Perfectly normal around here too. When I fell pregnant we lived in a lovely but very small house in a lovely area with great schools. However when I fell pregnant with child no 2 we knew that we were outgrowing the house but we couldn't afford a 3 bed house in our current location so we moved to a cheaper area but before we chose which area we moved to we checked the schools and based our choices around good schools.

Totally normal. When we bought our house, the first thing the estate agent said was 'it's in the catchment for x'.

Obviously a selling point although DS stayed at his original primary school.

And if you're doing the commute then you should get the final say.

Areas change and schools change. what is a great catchment area right now may not be so by the time your children are of the age to start secondary school.

Right now, the schools in your desired area may have great Ofsted etc, but no-one can say that will be the same in a decade. Similarly, something may happen in the area to create a big change, or you may get Neighbours from Hell next door and it could be that you'd not want to live there any longer.

Oyster
I live over 4 miles from the school I used

I too have two degrees (only one is a First though).
I live in an ex Council house on a mixed privately-owned and Council estate. My house and garden are certainly not ugly, and I find some of the comments offensive.
Did it not occur to you, OP, that many people reading your post might live on Council estates?
I think the issue isn't whether or not you move to gain access to a better school, but rather that you perceive your way of doing things to be some sort of norm, and, more importantly, that you consider your way of thinking to be superior to that of your husband.

We had a choice of spending £400k on private school or move to an area where houses were £400k more expensive. We chose the private school but had we had more than two kids, we would have moved. If you have the money, why wouldn't you move to have better amenities or schools.

Sorry, I have just read the OP's 5 posts (in several hundred 😂)

Personally, I would, and did, move into a good school catchment.

A vair MC one.

I'm sure hundreds have spoken of 'improving schools' etc, but imo, the fact remains, a good school in a MC- values areas stays 'good' far longer, despite the intervention of a short-lived, maverick Head- than a newly well-rated school in a 'more challenging' area, with a helicoptered in 'super-head'.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

Unless the DH has a reason to do with the child why they shouldn’t move, the OP’s way of thinking is superior because she is putting the child’s interests first.

I think that you should do the best thing for your family. That may mean moving. I'm very working class but managed to move into a professional job. I'd live on the edge of a what used to be a council estate and yes you can see the difference between those in LAH and those who own. There is no point pretending otherwise: the idiot that has strewn his trailer on the green and revs his motorbike engine constantly, the pound music players... yep tenants. My hope is that the last few get sold off. I may be a snob but hey if someone wants to live in a rougher area than they could afford to prove there superior to me - help yourself!

@HighbrowLowbrow YANBU. I fully intend on doing the same. Primary is really good where we live, but surrounding secondaries are terrible and we can't afford private school. Totally normal thing to do, I know a few people with older children that have done.

Unless the DH has a reason to do with the child why they shouldn’t move, the OP’s way of thinking is superior because she is putting the child’s interests first.

This is the thing. If the area we lived in had good schools I suppose I would might try and suck up the commute, but the schools are mediocre and there are gangs of kids who go around committing anti-social acts (vandalism, smashing up cars etc.) and I don't want DS to either join them or be at school with them.

DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD)

So you know parents have the greatest influence on a child’s education?

If your partner doesn’t value education, and isn’t interested in work either, what do you think your sins values will be?

We moved twice just before school changes but we were moving anyway we just based our house choice on schools. I don't think it's unusual to factor in schools when moving house.

OP you sound like a horrible person with no respect for your husband's background or choices. someone without a degree can still do well in life, and there's nothing wrong at all with being a SAH mum or dad. presumably, if he didn't do that, you'd have to actually, heaven forbid, spend some time with your child! your post is laiden with assumption, judgment and snobbery.

I could say the same thing about your post! I don't look down on DH because of his background, but I do think that it might be influencing his decisions here. He grew up in a town with one school and so it was like it or lump it. He is one of the smartest people I know but has poor academic results (I suspect he's dyslexic). I'm an overachiever always looking for the best quality in everything, and DH is very much of the "I don't like it but I guess I'll have to make do as the better option is more expensive" school of thought, regardless of whether the better option is affordable. I go around thinking "I'm worth it" and he goes around thinking "That's too good for me" 🤷‍♀️

Also, I work 4 days a week (but still manage to support my family) and spend those other 3 days entirely with my son so do almost as much childcare as DH. I posted earlier whilst DS was napping hence the silence for the rest of the day. I'd happily work fewer hours, but after losing his previous job DH refused to look for work in any industry other than the one he has spent his life working in (which is currently making massive redundancies) so it fell to me to make the money. Having said that, we're mostly happy now apart from this housing issue as DH is a very caring father and on the days when I am working he takes brilliant care of our son, and on the other days does the chores that need doing to keep the house running and has some time to relax.

In terms of mentioning the council estate that we look out onto, I really want to emphasise quite how ugly the buildings are. Council estates are not known for their architectural brilliance but this is the worst I have seen. Why the people who built our house decided to put the living room on the first floor with those views, I'll never know. We were thinking a while ago that we might do an extension so that we could have a living room looking out onto the garden, but haven't done so as I think we'd be above the ceiling price for the area. I did actually spend a year living in a council block when I was younger (live-in landlady had purchased it through right to buy) and the building was ugly but it didn't matter because we were on the inside looking out and that was much better!

There are other things I could mention about the area like the halfway house where many of the 90 residents seem to be on methadone (from things I have overheard at the pharmacy) and indulge in a lot of street drinking, but I didn't mention that because they do need to put these places somewhere and I haven't had a bad encounter with any of the residents, other than one time one of them said something a bit racist to me. My enjoyment if the area is more affected by the schools (as I feel I'd be letting DS down to keep him here) and the views. Is it so wrong to want a house with nice views? Given that we live on the outskirts of nowhere I'd at least like to be able to look at some trees!

YANBU op. We moved two years ago in time for Secondary applications for dc1.

We used to live in a very deprived area...mainly council (our house was ex council but one of only a handful of privately owned), high % of FSM, decent Primaries but very low-expectation/achievement Secondaries.

It wasn’t what we wanted for the dc and it was important enough to us that we sold our house to rent in the beautiful, expensive area 10 miles west that we loved, with the best Comp in the County.

We can’t afford to buy here yet and it was odd getting used to being a tenant after 10 years of home ownership - but it was so worth it. I love where we live now, I enjoy coming home every time I go out, it’s fabulous. I’m just sorry we didn’t do it sooner, renting and all.

If anything proved it to us (school-wise) it was lockdown. I had 4 months of (semi good natured) moaning from dc1 about having 6 hours of work daily set with regular reviews, new topics etc...and all he’d hear from his friends who went to Comp in the area we moved from was how they were thrilled they had half an hour of basic Maths and English a day only.

Yes it’s snobbish, yes it’s unfair. But we all do the best we can for our dc and the best we could do was move so we did.

Find it strange to those who don’t think this is normal! We live in a catchment area for outstanding primary schools and grammar schools and most families have moved to this area for exactly that reason and the high house prices reflect that. Myself and husband both working class background who have strived to do better for ourselves, first to go to uni in family have great jobs now etc. Why on earth would we stay in a not as nice area with rubbish schools when we have worked damn hard to have better. I think you’d be mad not to move.

Isn't it nice to have privilege.

I'm an overachiever always looking for the best quality in everything,

Well you dropped a bollock when buying that house then, if the area is such a shit pit. I'd have thought as a highly educated person, you'd have put in the legwork researching the area.

Try harder next time.

PS: how are Richard and Sheridan doing in these unprecedented times?

@BilboBercow

Isn't it nice to have privilege.

It’s nice to have money!

But, I think it’s normal to upgrade things as you earn more money, nicer clothes, nicer car, nicer house in a nicer area. Everyone does it.

It makes complete sense to move. Id force him OP. Schooling is one of my top priorities. The children only get one chance at having a good education. No way would i send them to a poor performing school.

It’s definitely not normal in my circle of friends and family. Then again we are all working class. Heck some of us have even lived/are living in council houses!!! I know! (shudder).

Normal where I am. When we moved to the area we live now, the schools were top of our list in terms of priority. We rejected a few houses because they were in catchment for a nearby RI school that isn’t in as nice an area with attendance issues. If it were me I would move.