To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

[HighbrowLowbrow]

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

OP, this is all a bit strange. Why did you marry your husband?

That aside, I think most people would move to Mars if it meant they got their children into a better school, unless they are Making A Point (though this Point often vanishes, once their children are actually forced to go to school with local urchins - then their children invariably develop some particular needs which mean they have to go to independent schools).

Up to you but even in catchment area there are no guarantees if the school over subscribed .

By far the biggest influence on how a child does at school is parental support at home and a positive attitude to education. Then schools which have lower levels of disruptive pupils is what i'd look for next.

If your DH is disengaged and lacks ambition for his children, where you live isn't your biggest concern.

I don't think YABU at all. It's hard to see any reasons for not moving. It even sounds like your husband would be happier in the new area.

I think you got bad responses because of the way you phrased your post, tbh. It does sound quite snobby. It's what lots of people would think but wouldn't say out loud. I doubt you'd say it like that to friends in real life either though!

Mosschopz

I feel a bit sad about this way of thinking. You’re absolutely right to want the best for your child. However, 90% of our motivation to learn comes from our parents, so if your child is going to succeed, they should do whatever school they go to.

My parents were very keen for me to learn and couldn't afford to move.
Sadly they couldn't be there when I was having pins stuck in me for being "fucking snobby" (I'd got an A in a test) or spat at when it was suggested I take an exam a year early.
I can trot out the "I went to the local comp, I've got two degrees" thing.
One the reasons I kept going to achieve that was because I didn't want my children to go through the school life I did.

Think about what contribution your child can MAKE to a school that needs that boost from ambitious families, not what you can TAKE from the situation.

I managed to take away enough education to move away from the situation.
No idea what contribution I could have made: suggested they clean the pins with disinfectant before sticking them in me so the punctures didn't go septic, perhaps?

Or suggested they could set up businesses painting meaningless slogans like "it's not what you can TAKE, it's what contribution you can MAKE" ("It's not the POINT on your PINS, consider if your PINS make a POINT", perhaps) on to bits of wood for people to hang in their kitchens.

That would have gone down well...

I thought getting a house within a catchment area of a good school was really common - at least a main consideration when moving: 'near to good schools' has got to be top of the must haves list.

That aside, I think most people would move to Mars if it meant they got their children into a better school, unless they are Making A Point (though this Point often vanishes, once their children are actually forced to go to school with local urchins - then their children invariably develop some particular needs which mean they have to go to independent schools).

I had an ex-colleague who did exactly this. Such a fuss about how they were doing the moral, socially responsible thing by sending Tabitha to the local failing primary, so much judgement of everyone else for scrambling to get theirs into anywhere but. Two years later it turned out that Tabitha - shockingly - was having a miserable time and was being bullied for being 'posh' and so they simply had no choice but to put her into a very expensive private school.

I did think at the time that it was interesting that my colleague went on and on about what a tremendous boon it would be for Tabitha to be able to mix with anyone, to relate to all sorts of people, etc - but the colleague herself, again shockingly, would have never dreamt of spending five minutes in the company of people like her daughter's classmates' parents.

Your child is one. One.

They won't be starting secondary school for another ten years. What makes you think that moving near a good school now will mean that it is still a good school in ten years' time?

I agree with LaMarschallin. If my DC wanted to contribute as an adult by working with kids from difficult backgrounds I'd be supportive. As a child my focus would be on a decent education in a safe environment.

Yes a lot of people will (or would buy in the first place based on the schools)

However when you say you could afford a similar sized place in the new area because you could get a mortgage for that much it doesn't always mean it is sensible to get a mortgage for the max that the bank will loan you. When he says that is too much to pay for a house does he mean he has some moral objection to a house over X amount or does he mean that you would be struggling to maintain a lifestyle that you want to (I say want to because if you currently have 2 foreign holidays a year and this would take you down to 1 most people would see that as a downstyle to their lifestyle they are happy to accept, whereas if it would take you from a holiday once a year, eat out once a month and the occasional takeaway but the mortgage repayments take you down to tesco value beans on toast 29 days a month most people wouldn't accept that even though they could still survive)

In general though you sound like you have good reasons for wanting to move, even without the school issue

Think about what contribution your child can MAKE to a school that needs that boost from ambitious families, not what you can TAKE from the situation.

it's a generous thought, but frankly, completely unrealistic!

It is not at all uncommon to move house in search of a good school. It's a terrible indictment of the dire condition of state education and the fundamental inequities of contemporary society. But that is the world we live in (alas), and I wouldn't blame anyone for moving in order to ensure a good education for their children.

However, I would be wary of relying on Ofsted and what "everyone" says about local schools. Nothing can replace actually visiting a school and seeing the pupil/teacher interaction and overall atmosphere. Some schools that appear brilliant on paper are actually dreadful. And some "needs improvement" schools can be amazing.

In your situation, I think it makes sense to move simply because of an easier commute and more amenities. As for "a council estate with ugly houses"? That and some of your other comments make it sound as though class anxiety and a certain snobbishness form at least part of your wish to move.

They won't be starting secondary school for another ten years. What makes you think that moving near a good school now will mean that it is still a good school in ten years' time?

Realistically, schools in nice, posh leafy areas are almost always going to get better results than ones in deprived, challenging areas - even if the latter is 'better' in terms of management, value-added, etc. My friend used to work in a primary where a shockingly high proportion of the children arrived with delayed speech due to insufficient parental interaction, where quite a few would never have been read to, where they had problems with violence and swearing from horrifyingly young children, etc. The school did a brilliant job, had very good value-added and quite rightly had an outstanding rating from Ofsted. My friend would never, ever have sent her own children there and nor did any of the other middle-class parents in catchment. Most people, realistically, don't want a school doing really well with a challenging intake, they want a school where the intake isn't challenging.

@sycamorecottage

Your child is one. One.

They won't be starting secondary school for another ten years. What makes you think that moving near a good school now will mean that it is still a good school in ten years' time?

so there's a couple of years before they start primary schools, and some schools prioritise feeders pre-school and nurseries attached to them..

It might be a gamble about secondary, but taking into account the time to find and purchase a property, the waiting list for preschools, the deadlines to apply for reception.. It's a very sensible time to get a move on, get a feel of the area, the schools and try to be in the right catchment for the date you actually need it!

@sycamorecottage

Your child is one. One.

They won't be starting secondary school for another ten years. What makes you think that moving near a good school now will mean that it is still a good school in ten years' time?

Tbf it’s for primary too and it’s better to move before enrolment. If the secondary changes they can reconsider.

We bought our house before children on the basis of catchment for both primary and secondary. So far the plan is working but I wouldnt hesitate to move if the secondary goes downhill.
Anyone with the means and interest in their childs education would do them same.
Sucess in life is all down to life chances, which inludes amongst other things a decent school.
Why on earth wouldn't you if you can?

I would move in a heartbeat.

Is there another option - somewhere with better transport links/commute but not as expensive. Still with good schools

I think this house sounds like it was the wrong place when you brought it - by any chance is it the area where DH grew up?

Bare in mind that OFTED is just a snapshot judgment....
You're as well to get a tour round the school and look for yourself, plus talk to other parents
By the time your child gets to school age the 'requires improvement' schools will have had a lot of money pumped in, staff changes and will probably be a 'good' school. It changes allll the time.
(View from a primary school teacher)

It would be perfectly normal and you are absolutely NBU to be considering it OP.

All these people saying that nobody does it - why do you think Rightmove has a link to the local schools? Surely it's because that's an important criterion when choosing a house? Lack of good schools is often a deal breaker for buyers!

I have known several people who have moved house in order to be in the right catchment area and in with a better chance of getting their children into a good school.

The other thing that makes me is people who tell me that going to school teaches you how to get on with people from all walks of life. More like teach you to avoid certain sorts of people like the plague.

A lot of people haven't commented on the fact that the current house was chosen because it was convenient for the h's job (which he's been made redundant from and us currently a SAHD) but awkward for OP's job. That in itself should be a reason to move

@80sMum

It would be perfectly normal and you are absolutely NBU to be considering it OP.

All these people saying that nobody does it - why do you think Rightmove has a link to the local schools? Surely it's because that's an important criterion when choosing a house? Lack of good schools is often a deal breaker for buyers!

I have known several people who have moved house in order to be in the right catchment area and in with a better chance of getting their children into a good school.

Exactly. There's a reason the houses by the good schools are often 100k more

It’s your job as parents to give your child the best education you can. I suggest you get on with moving, with or without your husband

So like change the school, ditch the partner type of thing?