Or does DH just not care about risks....

[moonbebe]

Our daughter is 5 months old and born during lockdown.

Neither of our parents have held her.

My husband and I decided from the start we didn't want to take the risk, so people saw her from a distance.

Last month my husband returned to working from the office and has since developed a completely different attitude to the pandemic.

Whilst he's following the guidelines on social distancing, he keeps telling me it's 'not a scary place out there' and that I'm catastrophizing the risks.

He's now decided that it's time for us to allow our parents to hold and spend time "normally" with our daughter.

I however, don't!

I'm fed up of him telling me the risk to children is small!!
I just don't understand him.

I know numbers are low, but Covid is still there and I don't want to put out daughter at unnecessary risk for the sake of our parents wanting a cuddle.

We're in England and the guidance is still to social distance, even for babies, so if the risk was low to children they why not amend this (like Scotland)

My husband is 34 and I'm 33.
I have asthma (controlled) and inflammatory arthritis (not medicated with agreement of rheumatologist) and I'm
also concerned that if our daughter did catch it, that means I could, it worries me that I could be really ill and my biggest fear is been away from my daughter. 😔

I love our daughter so much and I just cannot tolerate the thought of absolutely anything happening to her.

Surely if I've got to make the decision to keep her safe, then allowing her grandparents to hold her (who all go to work every day and work around a lot more people than my husband does)
isn't a safe decision.

I don't know how me and DH are ever going to come to a decision on this because he thinks I'm being unreasonable and I think he is!!!

OP....rude one aren't ya.......

Sorry I missed your update until after I posted...... you make it sound from your OP that you are avoiding contact with them, not just that you are avoiding physical contact.

I think you’re being way OTT and unreasonable.

The guidelines on SD won’t be changing any time soon, how long are you going to continue this for? Imagine if something happened to one of the grandparents and they died having never held their granddaughter, but you’re willing to take her to dine out etc? Quite sad really, I can see why your husband is getting fed up of you.

How is OP being "hysterical" and "highly strung" for following the guidelines about 2m social distancing? I dont get this. A lot of projection going on!

@rayoflightboy

I think the op expected everyone to agree with her.

No. No I didn't.

I just expected people to actually read my post and answer with their opinion.

I have some good answers which are helpful.

But half of them are as if they've been answered by people who haven't bothered to read my post.

@Desperado24

No one ever seems to talk about this, but are these children who are being “protected” from COVID going to develop a normal healthy immune system if they are kept in bubbles and never exposed to all the germs and viruses that are just part of everyday life.

In the nicest possible way I really think you need to loosen up and let the child develop a normal healthy relationship with it’s grand parents. We can’t avoid physical contact forever.

This has gone through my mind too. Competent immune systems need 'practice' in normal responses to normal challenges. It's a bit of an insoluble dilemma, in a way, considering one of the risks with Covid appears to be essentially an immune overreaction.

You're right to take the pandemic seriously, but it does seem to me as if it's your husband's exposure to life 'out there' that is making him reassess in favour of a more balanced view.

A 5mo baby doesn't 'need' cuddles with anyone but its primary carers; but I think IIWY I'd be considering gently expanding the horizon, because babies grow fast and soon you'll be at the age where social development starts to take off.

This thread is too much
Guys...she is going out and about with her child! I cant deal

I actually have read your posts and i think you are being unfair.Your dc need social from their gp.

I have a 6 month old gs and i would be so upset that i couldnt hold them.

I wash and santitise my hands before i touch him.

@StoppinBy

OP....rude one aren't ya.......

Sorry I missed your update until after I posted...... you make it sound from your OP that you are avoiding contact with them, not just that you are avoiding physical contact.

@StoppinBy

I'm really not trying to be rude, but it's so frustrating and it's getting annoying that everyone is just jumping to the same conclusion that I don't go out or leave the house and my baby doesn't see anyone.

I stated in my OP that the issue was my husband and I couldn't agree on letting grandparents hold our baby.

I didn't say see. I don't understand why people are assuming this!

@moonbebe
Would an out of control anxious person leave the house daily?
Would they go to restaurants or coffee shops?
Would they have people in their homes or visit people in their homes?
Your husband and parents will be social distancing at work and when out. If you are doing all the above then you are just as much of a risk to your child than her grandparents holding her!! Quite hypocritical really.

OP what are you going to do in a few months when she crawls over to a grandparent and tries to hug them? Are you going to whisk her away each time she tries? Or when she falls over and grandma is the nearest person to her? Will grandma just have to leave her lying there till you get back from the toilet, or across the park or whatever?

I find your statement “I love her so much” really smug and patronising, as if the rest of us don’t love our children. There’s nothing special about the love you feel for your child - we all feel it for our own - but there’s way way more to parenting than just protecting your child from one particular tiny risk.

You need to consider your exit strategy from this arrangement, OP. Your baby will be mobile soon and you need to think about what you will do if she crawls over to one of her grandparents and pulls up on their leg, for example.

You'll be waiting a long time either for specific government guidance or a vaccine.

[quote moonbebe]@rayoflightboy

I think the op expected everyone to agree with her.

No. No I didn't.

I just expected people to actually read my post and answer with their opinion.

I have some good answers which are helpful.

But half of them are as if they've been answered by people who haven't bothered to read my post.[/quote]
There were about two responses that thought you were not going out that is all.

I think your claim that half of the people didn’t read your question is because you have overwhelmingly been told that you are being ridiculous.

Babies risk of covid is virtually non existent.

So you’re happy to take your daughter to restaurants, shops, socialising but her grandparents can’t hold her.

When you go out is everyone exactly 2m apart? Has everything you have touched been sterilised? No one has brushed past you or your pram/sling? I’ve only been out a handful of times but I’ve had people closer than 1m, people brushing past my pram/bag and I would have absolutely touched something that hasn’t been cleaned. The risk of the grandparents having a hold are tiny, ask them to wash their hands and have clean clothes on. Do it outside where the chances are even lower.

I think personally try with masks and meticulous washing of hands but minimise risk by making short cuddles not very often ?

In the circumstances that would seem sensible .

Sorry, but I think you're being OTT. This is likely to go on until at least next spring. Are you really going to deny your parents/in laws the chance to hold their baby grandchild until she's over a year old? That's incredibly sad. They won't get that time back. The chances of her catching Covid from one cuddle is tiny. I also think you're setting yourself up to have a very clingy toddler. Are you planning on returning to work at any point? If so then you really need to make sure that she is comfortable being held by other people before you do.

The risk is to the grandparents, not your baby.

If they are happy to hold your baby, I see no reason not to let them.

On a broader note, to live through Covid19 and make sensible decisions, you need to educate yourself about the disease itself and how statistics work. To children under 10, there is close to zero risk.

At 5 months, some common colds are more dangerous than Covid.

When you're out in restaurants/coffee shops or at other people's houses, what do you do with your DD? Is she in her push chair or high chair, do you allow her to play on the floor at friends houses?

I doubt the answers disagreeing with you are 'helpful' as I highly doubt you're going to change your mind.

@Mintychoc1

OP what are you going to do in a few months when she crawls over to a grandparent and tries to hug them? Are you going to whisk her away each time she tries? Or when she falls over and grandma is the nearest person to her? Will grandma just have to leave her lying there till you get back from the toilet, or across the park or whatever?

I find your statement “I love her so much” really smug and patronising, as if the rest of us don’t love our children. There’s nothing special about the love you feel for your child - we all feel it for our own - but there’s way way more to parenting than just protecting your child from one particular tiny risk.

Agree with this - that statement bothered me too, and Mintychoc has put it better (albeit more bluntly) than I would have.

Your behaviour is driven by your anxiety - it doesn't mean you love your daughter more than other parents who have made different decisions love their children, and I think you'd do yourself (never mind others whom you voice this thought to) a disservice not to admit and understand that.

There's nothing 'wrong' with being anxious, but if you don't understand you're anxious you can't check and modify your stance (as your dh has done for himself).

Can't you get your parents to stay in for a week and then let them come to hug her? Or take a test?

OP I can see why that would be annoying but from the way so many people have taken your post that way it's probably a fair assessment to say your OP comes across that way.

Personally I think you need to consider that as you walk through shops whether you are social distancing or not you are still walking through the air that all the other people are walking through, the droplets are airborne so the reality is if you are going to catch it anywhere it is most likely in an enclosed environment where the air is still.

The risk of Grandparents holding her is not much different in my mind to walking through shops where complete strangers are and a more worthwhile risk to take.

If they are good GP then the bond that they all form will become one of the most important bonds in her life.

Everything is a risk, unless you disinfect everything, eg, before you open a packet to eat or a takeaway coffee cup before you drink from it you are risking infection. Weigh up the risk V's benefits and see where it takes you.

I’m in Wales where children don’t have to SD, I’m 35 weeks pregnant and having this debate myself.

Just this week my father held my son (2.5) on Thursday and was then contacted by track and trace to say he had been in contact with someone positive Wednesday.

I think the biggest risk is to me at the moment not my son, but that risk transfers to the newborn in a few weeks.

I don’t have any answers for you OP but I do totally sympathise with your dilemma

YABU and unfair to your husband, daughter, and both sets of grandparents.
Your chance of getting the virus is very slim. Your chance of dying is minuscule. Life needs to go on.

Oh gosh - 5 months and the grandparents haven’t been able to give her a cuddle. I think YABU, especially as you say you go out for meals etc. It must be really hard for your parents to know you’re willing to take risks for your own frivolous enjoyment, but not so that they can have their first cuddle with their grandchild. They probably don’t want to push it and risk a fall out but I cannot imagine they are anything other than devastated. 5 months! That is a really long time to keep them from touching their grandchild. And they’ll never get that time back, it’s gone, they literally just never held her when she was a baby. That’s really sad. My kids are the light of my mum and dad’s lives and I just couldn’t do that to them.

For comparison OP my daughter was born at the end of January.

She has been attending nursery FT along with her 4 year old brother from 6 months old, and both spouse and I are in FT work. Her first settle sessions were at 5-5.5 months old.

You cannot continue to live like this as this will know no end for possibly at least a year yet and your daughter is being harmed this way.