Or does DH just not care about risks....

[moonbebe]

Our daughter is 5 months old and born during lockdown.

Neither of our parents have held her.

My husband and I decided from the start we didn't want to take the risk, so people saw her from a distance.

Last month my husband returned to working from the office and has since developed a completely different attitude to the pandemic.

Whilst he's following the guidelines on social distancing, he keeps telling me it's 'not a scary place out there' and that I'm catastrophizing the risks.

He's now decided that it's time for us to allow our parents to hold and spend time "normally" with our daughter.

I however, don't!

I'm fed up of him telling me the risk to children is small!!
I just don't understand him.

I know numbers are low, but Covid is still there and I don't want to put out daughter at unnecessary risk for the sake of our parents wanting a cuddle.

We're in England and the guidance is still to social distance, even for babies, so if the risk was low to children they why not amend this (like Scotland)

My husband is 34 and I'm 33.
I have asthma (controlled) and inflammatory arthritis (not medicated with agreement of rheumatologist) and I'm
also concerned that if our daughter did catch it, that means I could, it worries me that I could be really ill and my biggest fear is been away from my daughter. 😔

I love our daughter so much and I just cannot tolerate the thought of absolutely anything happening to her.

Surely if I've got to make the decision to keep her safe, then allowing her grandparents to hold her (who all go to work every day and work around a lot more people than my husband does)
isn't a safe decision.

I don't know how me and DH are ever going to come to a decision on this because he thinks I'm being unreasonable and I think he is!!!

moonbebe Mon 31-Aug-20 12:23:06
gypsywater

Surely it is important to follow the 2m social distancing guidance for babies as well as everyone else. I was a bit confused at first when my friend wouldnt allow me a cuddle with her baby but then remembered that I'm not hugging anyone else either so a baby should be no different.

@gypsywater

This is my point exactly!!
....
I understand that too especially with your particular health problems. It won't be long before you can gradually introduce your baby to other people and she will adjust but, for now, I'd stick to just you and husband.

@Ponoka7

Ypu need to start reading what paediatric specialists are saying about the dangers of keeping young children socially distanced, both emotional, social and physical. Covid isn't a threat to you or your child anymore (and less than) leaving the house, doing diy etc.

Life has become all about Covid, when for most people it will be like having a cold, many will be asymptomatic and less than 0.5 % will be seriously ill.

But a baby of a few months old is hardly going to be taking a great deal of notice of who is holding them or speaking to them.

For people with health conditions the outcomes are more serious, so I understand OP's concerns.

PS: I 'get' what people are saying about the virus not being much more than a cold and that is probably true for most of us but the op has immune problems and for the sake of a bit longer, it really isn't worth taking the risk.

Well, there'll never specific guidelines between GP and GC, that would be overkill.

I'm with your husband. Life has to go on. Social distancing will be here for another year plus. The WHO actually quoted they think the virus will be under control within 2yrs! So do you not let your family hold baby for 2yrs?

This ^^

@Mintychoc1

OP what are you going to do in a few months when she crawls over to a grandparent and tries to hug them? Are you going to whisk her away each time she tries? Or when she falls over and grandma is the nearest person to her? Will grandma just have to leave her lying there till you get back from the toilet, or across the park or whatever?

I find your statement “I love her so much” really smug and patronising, as if the rest of us don’t love our children. There’s nothing special about the love you feel for your child - we all feel it for our own - but there’s way way more to parenting than just protecting your child from one particular tiny risk.

I think these are really good points.

What are you going to do about that OP?

I think @JayDot500 is right - the risk to your baby is probably negligible, you need to put yourself at the centre when working out what you feel comfortable with. I have had probable Covid (no testing in Mid-March, but full deck of symptoms, work and commute in a hotspot, got sick along with rest of my household and double figures of other people across mine & DH's large, open-plan, air-conditioned offices, so go figure). I'm mid-40s, white, no underlying conditions, and I won't lie: it was a bitch of an illness for me and recovery has been frustratingly slow. I would not have been able to manage childcare on my own, and your DH needs to fully cognizant of the possible risks to you and that he will have to step up if you get sick.

In your situation, I probably would allow grandparents to hold and play with your baby for short spells, but I do understand your caution and I have very little patience with people saying "just get back to normal", some people are too blase and dismissive.

I'm a grandparent and I'd be perfectly happy with the situation you describe.
You have good reasons for it and you are following the guidance.

Guidance in Scotland is different because there is a much lower incidence of covid there, just now, so there is lower risk.

Are the family fussing about this, or only your DH?

Life does go on. DD turned 6 months at the beginning of the pandemic and I went back to work full time ( key worker). She went to nursery and obvs there isn’t social distancing. The staff cuddle her as id expect them too. She’s actually seen more of nursery staff than family since march.
She recognises them.. but not her grandparents!

Life does go on and this is something that isn’t going away, life is the new normal.

In six months time when we are still in the pandemic ... will she go to nursery? Will you go back to work..... that’s something you need to start preparing for and considering now!

@LadyPenelope68

Your husband and parents will be social distancing at work and when out. If you are doing all the above then you are just as much of a risk to your child than her grandparents holding her!! Quite hypocritical really.

Would you mind explaining why you think I'm hypocritical?

We go to two local coffee shops (Me husband and baby)

We've been to a few local restaurants (me husband and baby)

Each time we are 2M away from everyone else.

That is following the government guidance.

Grandparents holding our daughter is face to face close contact.

As per the gov website, Close contact is defined as face to face contact within 2meters for more than 15 minutes OR contact with someone within 1 meter not face to face for more than 1 minute.

So are you suggesting that everyone who goes for a socially distanced coffee or meal is hypocritical if they aren't having close contact with people too?

She already sees her grandparents, socially distanced.

As someone said upthread, in the beginning people were rigid about following the rules, wanting to report their neighbours for daring to leave the house twice and accusing people who went to the shops for a newspaper of being murderers.

And now we’re not in lockdown and people are behaving as if the risks were never there in the first place. Yet the somewhat rapidly escalating COVID figures are fairly clear evidence of why it is still important to follow the rules. Social distancing isn’t something which just applies when we feel we want it to, the rules exist for a reason.

And this is not just about the OP’s DD catching COVID, it’s about her potentially catching it, and even if she isn’t ill, passing it on to the OP, the OP’s DH, who in turn goes into his office at work and passes it to his colleagues who then take it home to their families. This is how the virus spreads, or has nobody been keeping up with what’s going on in New Zealand now, a country which declared itself COVID-free just over a month ago and are now back in lockdown for the most part, and all that because of four infected people. They went from four to 351 in just over two weeks, I haven’t looked at the latest figures but I have little doubt that there are more than that now.

OP it is your choice. A five month old really isn’t going to suffer from not being held by a grandparent, given she is still interacting with them in other ways....

I am vulnerable and my partner is staying here for the first time since we went into lockdown. But we are social distancing and he’s in the spare room. And I don’t give a toss whether people think that’s paranoid or whatever, I’m the one who has to live with COVID if I catch it, and do bear in mind that there are worse things that can happen to you than dying, you could catch COVID and survive it with serious long-term complications.

@jessstan2

PS: I 'get' what people are saying about the virus not being much more than a cold and that is probably true for most of us but the op has immune problems and for the sake of a bit longer, it really isn't worth taking the risk.

So how much longer is acceptable and what is the point at which you would change things?

Noting is going to change for a couple of years at least and what exactly is OP trying to protect the baby from?

^Would an out of control anxious person leave the house daily?
Would they go to restaurants or coffee shops?
Would they have people in their homes or visit people in their homes? ^

I think given you are doing all of these things, and dh is going out to work and home every day, it's a little selective to not let grandparents hold their grandchild. It barely raises the risks at all given everything else you already doing.

The virus is airborne, more than contact. So if people are in your home and have it, you are likely going to get it. They don't have to touch you to pass it.

I would let them cuddle dc. It does sound a little bit like you don't want anyone else to touch the baby, maybe you've become a little over sensitive about this - which's could be understandable. The child will
Benefit from this level of progression in forming relationships.

@Happityhap

Are the family fussing about this, or only your DH?*

No our families have been really respectful of our choices.

They get to see our daughter regularly and haven't questioned when they can hold.

It my husband that has brought this up.

The rules do say stay 2 metres apart like everyone is saying. I think I would have been very nervous if my DS had been born through this.

Think about it for a while but are you returning to work? Will baby be in nursery? They will obvs have contact them and when baby starts crawling, is at that point visitors cant come in incase your DC crawls over?

I see op is just glossing over and ignoring the actual science and choosing what they want to see.

I would be concerned about her reaction when someone else is allowed to hold her. I have a one year old and we only let physical contact start when we had a social bubble of grandparents. His reactions were horrific because although he had seen these people - being touched and held by someone who wasn’t me or DH upset him greatly.

He’s now crawling up to everyone and anyone when having socially distanced meet ups, because he wants to explore and meet people.

I think YANBU to a certain extent, but if I was you would now be allowing grandparents (or select whoever you want) to have contact, if you’re in each other’s houses anyways!

@YoBeaches

The virus is airborne, more than contact. So if people are in your home and have it, you are likely going to get it. They don't have to touch you to pass it.

Do you have some evidence to back this up that the virus is airborne?! I haven't seen / read anything about this.

The virus spreads when you are in close contact (less than 2m) and even when people come into our home we always maintain distance.
Guests wash their hands and they use hand sanitizers.

YABU.

The risk to your daughter is infinitesimally small. The risks to you and your DH are also small, neither of you were for example on the shielding list.

The current number of known infections is small although yes it is rising. We are testing far more people every day now than we did in March there for we know that many people who would not have met the threshold for a test in the past are positive. As an example in March/April we had 140 patients in the hospital I work in who were Covid +ve. 14 ventilated on ICU. You were only tested if you were ill enough to need hospital admission. Since the end of June we’ve had either 0 or 1 in hospital (we get daily updates) even in June the numbers were

I made a final point twice! My mistake but they are still both valid.

Btw, many GC don't see their grandparents at all for months/years/ever, for lots of reasons, and those children are totally fine.

I don;t think you've been unreasonable to do as you have so far. You have a few good reasons to worry at the moment - Covid, your own arthritis, being a new mother. It's perfectly reasonable to feel anxious about your baby and the possible consequences of you catching Covid with your health conditions. I can remember feeling really overwhelmed about managing my babies' safety and wellbeing, and I had no physical health conditions or virus to worry about. It must be really hard being a new mum at the moment.

But as mentioned in pp about your baby becoming mobile and crawling to people, you need to have a plan going forward because there will come a point where you'll be having to pull your baby away from grandparents and that might be emotionally more difficult for you and your baby than just not passing her over for a cuddle.

YABU

@Ikeameatballs

Finally babies do need to get their immune system “primed”. They need exposure to bacteria and viruses which are not significantly harmful to them to get help regulate their immune system. There are studies that show that children who live with pets are less likely to get leukaemia and those who do not have a temperature in their first year of life are more likely to get leukaemia. Close contact with others will help to prime your daughter’s immune system.

Thanks. I do worry about her not building up an immune system.

When she was 3 weeks old she did have to spend 2 nights in hospital as she had jaundice.
This involved close contact with nurses and Drs. She had close contact with the several midwives she had to see as well, and a paediatrician as she lost weight from birth.

I absolutely understand this isn't the same as close contact with grandparents but I do hope that exposure will have helped her somehow

I wouldn't have objected to any of the above, and I know she was more at risk back in March/April than she is now from her grandparents, but all of those things had to happen and were for the sake of her health.

@moonbebe
You go out to coffee shops/restaurants/shops and DH goes to work, all socially distanced - ok for you to hold baby.
Grandparents go to work etc, all socially distanced I presume - not ok for them to hold baby.
How is what you are doing any different to what grandparents are doing? So why can’t they hold her.