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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or does DH just not care about risks....

236 replies

moonbebe · 31/08/2020 12:12

Our daughter is 5 months old and born during lockdown.

Neither of our parents have held her.

My husband and I decided from the start we didn't want to take the risk, so people saw her from a distance.

Last month my husband returned to working from the office and has since developed a completely different attitude to the pandemic.

Whilst he's following the guidelines on social distancing, he keeps telling me it's 'not a scary place out there' and that I'm catastrophizing the risks.

He's now decided that it's time for us to allow our parents to hold and spend time "normally" with our daughter.

I however, don't!

I'm fed up of him telling me the risk to children is small!!
I just don't understand him.

I know numbers are low, but Covid is still there and I don't want to put out daughter at unnecessary risk for the sake of our parents wanting a cuddle.

We're in England and the guidance is still to social distance, even for babies, so if the risk was low to children they why not amend this (like Scotland)

My husband is 34 and I'm 33.
I have asthma (controlled) and inflammatory arthritis (not medicated with agreement of rheumatologist) and I'm
also concerned that if our daughter did catch it, that means I could, it worries me that I could be really ill and my biggest fear is been away from my daughter. 😔

I love our daughter so much and I just cannot tolerate the thought of absolutely anything happening to her.

Surely if I've got to make the decision to keep her safe, then allowing her grandparents to hold her (who all go to work every day and work around a lot more people than my husband does)
isn't a safe decision.

I don't know how me and DH are ever going to come to a decision on this because he thinks I'm being unreasonable and I think he is!!!

OP posts:
gypsywater · 31/08/2020 12:30

Not sure where this "keeping her indoors" thing has come from Confused

Hedgehog44 · 31/08/2020 12:30

The longer you spend at home isolating yourself and her the worse this is going to get in your head. No COVID hasn't gone away but the risks aren't that great general and we have to be normal again. Start getting out and about and you will feel better.

Florencex · 31/08/2020 12:30

It isn’t a scary place out there. Your husband is right and he is probably right that it is time for the baby to meet grandparents properly. A vaccine could be a year away, are you going to not allow anyone near your daughter until she is 18 months old? This would surely be very bad for her.

The risk for a baby is tiny and you are not particularly high risk either, controlled asthma may mean you experience slightly more symptoms than somebody else, bearing in mind most people have no or mild symptoms anyway. I don’t think arthritis comes into it.

Original poster
moonbebe · 31/08/2020 12:30

@gypsywater

Are you actually keeping her indoors?!
@gypsywater nope! Not sure why that's even been mentioned. 🙄
OP posts:
gypsywater · 31/08/2020 12:31

Lol at PPs making up their own narrative here Grin

Original poster
moonbebe · 31/08/2020 12:31

@gypsywater

Not sure where this "keeping her indoors" thing has come from Confused
@gypsywater me neither!! Bit dramatic to assume that. Confused
OP posts:
eeyore228 · 31/08/2020 12:32

There are numerous issues with keeping your DD indoors. Yes Covid is still out there but what about immunity to other illnesses? Your literally keeping her away from everything which includes day to day coughs/colds which will help continue to build immunity. Is you DH showering the minute he comes in from work? If not he’s posing as much of a risk as grandparents. It’s weighing up what’s most important really but they all come with risk.

gypsywater · 31/08/2020 12:33

@eeyore228 She isnt keeping her indoors LOL

Original poster
moonbebe · 31/08/2020 12:33

@Hedgehog44

The longer you spend at home isolating yourself and her the worse this is going to get in your head. No COVID hasn't gone away but the risks aren't that great general and we have to be normal again. Start getting out and about and you will feel better.
@Hedgehog44

Not sure if you and other PPs aren't reading my OP.

We do not stay indoors! We go out plenty.

The discussion is, I haven't let anyone hold my baby... not see!!

She see's plenty of people!!!

OP posts:
Shelby30 · 31/08/2020 12:34

I'm with your husband. Life has to go on. Social distancing will be here for another year plus. The WHO actually quoted they think the virus will be under control within 2yrs! So do you not let your family hold baby for 2yrs?

My youngest was 3 months when lockdown happened. I understand your worry but it is such a small chance baby cld get it. More likely to be in a car accident etc so there's risks everyday you leave home.

I think the rules here changed early July, that children under 12 do not have to social distance when outside so cuddles with grandparents wld be allowed.

TheHappyHerbivore · 31/08/2020 12:34

It may comfort you that not one single child has died from Covid unless they had serious, pre-existing conditions. I can see why your husband is concerned that you’re setting too much store by this particular risk, at the expense of other important things like family bonding.

It’s maybe also worth remembering that if your husband is going out to work and then holding her, she’s at the same risk as if your parents do the same.

Moondust001 · 31/08/2020 12:37

Sorry, but your are being unreasonable. Your husband is correct that the risk is vanishingly small. Even your risk is small. There are many much greater risks out there, and you can't shelter from all of them. However, if your child stays sheltered, it doesn't keep them safe. On the contrary, children, especially babies and toddlers, are Petri dishes of ailments. If you haven't yet discovered it, they'll run a temperature or whine every other week. They are supposed to! Their immune system is in training. It's strong, but it needs to come into contact with and manage all the threats out there- not just the one you are actually thinking about. This is good for them. You need to let it happen. It's actually the best protection you can gift them.

Original poster
moonbebe · 31/08/2020 12:38

@TheHappyHerbivore

It’s maybe also worth remembering that if your husband is going out to work and then holding her, she’s at the same risk as if your parents do the same*

I think the difference there for me is that DH works in a small office.
My parents both work in large buildings.

MIL & FIL both work in public places.
And they both eat / drink out regularly too, as do we, but I'm not entirely sure I trust that they fully distance!

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 31/08/2020 12:38

Completely with your husband here
Your baby is at more risk of sids/meningitis/road traffic accidents/ cancer and a myriad of other illnesses. The social distancing was really to protect the grandparents rather than the children
I feel really sorry for them and your baby!

woopsie · 31/08/2020 12:39

It's your child and you have every right to do whatever but you are over exaggerating the situation. As many have said, you are more likely to be involved in a car accident than die of Covid. If you were my daughter, I would be very upset for not showing my grandchild to me. You are literally robbing your child off any social interaction that is important for her development. During lockdown, my DS missed out on these and i regret it. Now I don't give a shit. I take precautions and so do my family/DH's family. My DS since interacting with family properly has now exceeded all his social and communication milestones. I will never ever do this to my child again unless we or they have Covid.

notforonesecond · 31/08/2020 12:42

The thing is, you’re obviously not being totally unreasonable because you’re just following the guidance as things stand at the moment.

But equally, at this point you can rank the risk of covid alongside many other mundane day to day activities and childhood illnesses. Is grandparents holding your dd more of a risk than driving to a country park for a nice walk?

No, it’s not.

But you haven’t spent months being reminded about how dangerous cars are. That’s all.

Everything in life is about risk assessment, pretty much. Do what you like, but your husband isn’t wrong either.

Original poster
moonbebe · 31/08/2020 12:43

@woopsie

If you were my daughter, I would be very upset for not showing my grandchild to me. You are literally robbing your child off any social interaction that is important for her development

Do a lot of people just make up their own version of OP's...?!

Not showing them their grandchild.

They see her plenty!

We go to their house, they come to our house. We go for walks with them!!

My goodness!!

The issue isn't about them seeing her.

It's about them HOLDING her and having CLOSE contact with her.

OP posts:
DancingCatGif · 31/08/2020 12:43

@woopsie the OP has stated numerous times that they meet the baby Hmm

lockdownalli · 31/08/2020 12:43

YANBU OP

I don't think I have a particularly rigid or lax attitude to the guidelines. I meet friends indoors/outdoors in line with regs. However, the only people I hug are my own DC (no DP) They see their GP indoors/outdoors but they do not hug them.

Your baby is reliant on your to make sensible decisions on their behalf, as unlike my DC, they are not old enough to make these decisions for themselves.

gypsywater · 31/08/2020 12:44

It makes for a kinda pointless thread when posters dont even read the OP properly Hmm

Apolloanddaphne · 31/08/2020 12:44

Neither of you are right or wrong, you both just have a different attitude towards risks. He feels things are safer now, which mostly they are. You still perceive higher risk. You need to sit down and talk to get a common meeting ground on this one.

DarkDarkNight · 31/08/2020 12:45

I think you’re being unreasonable. I feel sorry for the 2 sets of grandparents who have a 5 month old grandchild they haven’t even held, they must be so upset. The situation is different now than it was in March. Your child needs that interaction, she needs exposure to different people and environments to build her immune system.

I think people who have worked throughout the pandemic and therefor bee mixing with others have a different attitude and your husband having gone back to work now is seeing that and taking it on.

Original poster
moonbebe · 31/08/2020 12:46

@notforonesecond

*The thing is, you’re obviously not being totally unreasonable because you’re just following the guidance as things stand at the moment.

But equally, at this point you can rank the risk of covid alongside many other mundane day to day activities and childhood illnesses. Is grandparents holding your dd more of a risk than driving to a country park for a nice walk?

No, it’s not.

But you haven’t spent months being reminded about how dangerous cars are. That’s all.*

Thanks! Yeah you're right.

We've been told for months now about the dangers of Covid so it's not easy to just forget!

OP posts:
Original poster
moonbebe · 31/08/2020 12:47

@gypsywater

It makes for a kinda pointless thread when posters dont even read the OP properly Hmm
@gypsywater

Yup! Frustrating!!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 31/08/2020 12:47

I have held my friends baby. I think yabu and let your baby have a few cuddles from their grandparents, they can wash their hands first surely?

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