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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit funny about DH's comment

345 replies

redwinefine · 30/08/2020 22:15

This has been in my head all day and it may have been an off the cuff remark. Last night, DH and I were heading out for some (socially distanced) drinks with his friends. I was wearing a low cut dress and tights. When I came downstairs after getting dressed, DH said I looked fantastic but asked me to change. I asked why and he said 'because you look very booby and they're mine'. I laughed, thinking he was joking, but he just looked at me. I changed for an easy life and nothing else was said about it. AIBU to feel a bit funny about his comment? BTW, very happily married, sometimes he makes comments about what I'm wearing e.g. 'that's very bright and colourful, just like you' but nothing like this.

YABU - it was a joky comment, get over it
YANBU - it's your body, dress as you want

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 30/08/2020 23:27

Sorry op, that's not OK. As others have said, this is controlling behaviour. Do you think you'll respond differently next time?

Eckhart · 30/08/2020 23:27

I didn't want an atmosphere while we were out with his mates

And you wouldn't have created one, would you. He would.

pallisers · 30/08/2020 23:30

My mother always said "never marry a mean man or a jealous man"

I give the same advice to my children.

Original poster
redwinefine · 30/08/2020 23:32

A PP asked how long we've been together - years.

I'm taking on board what people are saying, but I've seen no behaviour that concerns me, it was the comment that they were his that I didn't like. Believe me, I would not normally kowtow/ change it was just that it was the first night out in months and I didn't want a bad feeling there.

OP posts:
BilboBercow · 30/08/2020 23:34

If you've seen no behaviour that concerns you why did you post op?

The comment is deeply concerning. Your reaction to it is concerning. The fact that you don't feel you can call it out is concerning.

He's not a lovely man. No lovely man would act that way.

TitsOutForHarambe · 30/08/2020 23:36

Is it really a joke?

My DH has said "They're mine" before but it was certain it was a joke, there was no grey area. I laughed, told him to fuck off, and proceeded to wear whatever I wanted to. He wouldn't dream of telling me what to wear, nor would he make a weird atmosphere if I hadn't changed my dress.

Original poster
redwinefine · 30/08/2020 23:38

@BilboBercow Because if I brought it up 24 hours later, would I be over-reacting?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 30/08/2020 23:41

Do you feel like that's an acceptable dynamic, OP? That you can't choose what to wear for yourself, without fear of repercussions?

yelyah22 · 30/08/2020 23:41

This behaviour IS concerning. I know you can't see that because you're used to it, but making arsey comments designed to make you think you've done something wrong because you were having a conversation with someone and expecting you to change out of an outfit you chose because he 'owns' your body IS controlling.

I would have a very serious conversation with him about this, where you say that you changed because you felt uncomfortable and you've realised that you shouldn't feel uncomfortable about your clothing choices and for fear of an atmosphere due to his sulking, and that you won't tolerate him controlling what you do (directly, or implicitly with the 'threat' of causing an atmosphere). If he does it again, he'd get one warning - "you're trying to control me/why are you saying that, I'm talking to a friend and it's controlling to imply I'm doing something wrong" - and then if he did it again, he'd be absolutely out on his arse.

Thing is, I'm sure if you think hard enough you'll be able to recall other instances he's been like this. It's never just the odd comment. And it's not okay.

Iloveme30 · 30/08/2020 23:42

No no no no no 😡

LadyLairdArgyll · 30/08/2020 23:46

Passive aggressive controlling PRICK.

You shouldn't have changed at all, your boobs are yours nobody else's.

QuacksInTheDark · 30/08/2020 23:50

If you went to him now and said “something is bothering me, last night you made that comment and it made me uncomfortable because... and then state your reasons, I.e. because he doesn’t own your body or have the right to dictate what you wear, you felt like you had to change to prevent the night being marred by an atmosphere etc. What would his reaction be? Anger? Dismissive? Or an apology and acceptance that it was twattish behaviour not to be repeated? If you feel you can’t bring this up with him that indicates to me there is more to this than you realise or are willing to admit.

Original poster
redwinefine · 30/08/2020 23:51

@Pollypocket89 I know what you mean, but without resorting to reductio ad absurdum it's completely different. It's one comment.

@FindingNeverland1 thank you

to the 7% who have voted that it was just a jokey comment and I should get over it - why do you think that?

OP posts:
FlamedToACrisp · 30/08/2020 23:51

Asking you to change because your dress is too revealing for his liking suggests a bit more than controlling behaviour. But what's more concerning is that you find it more comfortable to ask strangers on the internet about it than to talk to your long-term DH about it.

What's the problem? Why do you think he was bothered about your boobs showing? Why doesn't he like the idea that other men might find you sexy and attractive? Is he being petty and jealous, or does he have a reason to feel insecure because you are in fact attracted to other men?

I think you should see this as a problem that needs discussing and dealing with, not a minor irritation that you had to change to prevent your DH from behaving like a jealous douche all night. That is NOT normal behaviour. Stamp it out now.

Original poster
redwinefine · 30/08/2020 23:52

@QuacksInTheDark i feel like he would just dismiss it. When I called him out on the comment at the wedding, he said it didn't mean anything and to forget about it.

OP posts:
QuacksInTheDark · 30/08/2020 23:54

He just proves time and time again that he’s zero respect for your feelings or you as a person.

Safirexx · 30/08/2020 23:56

To be honest, OP, I read it as him maybe thinking about his friends you were going to meet - ie perhaps he didn't want them paying undue attention to your cleavage? That's the only way I can justify it. I totally understand you not wanting to do anything to start the evening off on the wrong foot though. I probably would have changed if my husband went as far as to comment. Like you, I wouldn't want the hassle.

But the important thing is that it bothers you so I think you should find a way to bring it up with him and explain why you'd rather he didn't make comments like that to you. How he reacts after that will help you decide how seriously you need to take it. All the best.'

Thurmanmurman · 30/08/2020 23:58

YABU to have changed. Also unreasonable for (socially distanced)

Original poster
redwinefine · 31/08/2020 00:00

@Thurmanmurman apologies - (socially distant)

OP posts:
Eckhart · 31/08/2020 00:02

When I called him out on the comment at the wedding, he said it didn't mean anything and to forget about it

So when your feelings are hurt, he expects you to forget about it, but when his feelings are hurt, he will create a bad atmosphere for a day or more.

Do you not see the imbalance here? The lack of respect for your feelings?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2020 00:02

When I called him out on the comment at the wedding, he said it didn't mean anything and to forget about it.

If it didn't "mean anything", he wouldn't have said it, would he? You are being gaslighted, op.

The extent you have been conditioned to not express your displeasure and feelings is scary. And you don't even realise it.

Littleposh · 31/08/2020 00:04

If you didn't know it was wrong, then you would not have asked . . .

NoNobramma · 31/08/2020 00:10

He’s a dismissive passive aggressive and jealous prick. Not a “lovey guy”. My husband is an actually lovey guy. If I was chatting at a wedding to anyone he would be happy, he might come over and join us and be interested in who he or she was or he might ask if we wanted a drink or if I looked happy he’d be happy to chat to someone else. He’s never ever ever make a comment like “of you can tear yourself away” and embarrass me and disrespect me like that in public or private.
If I wore a revealing top (and I have impressively large boobs) he’d say he was a lucky man and maybe say something like “I might not be able to concentrate” or similar but not to shame me or make me feel uncomfortable...he’d maybe say the boobs were his but only as a joke as he had to share them for so long with breastfeeding babies and toddlers. He respects they are mine and knows that even if someone else were to eye me up it means nothing.
If I spoke about how something he’d said had upset me he would take time to talk about it and apologise. He’d never say I was nothing or it didn’t matter or dismiss my feelings. He’d be upset to know he upset me
And he’d take onboard what I said.
He is actually far lovelier than me and I’m very lucky. You’re not so lucky at all @redwinefine
And you sound like you’re excusing him and denying it to yourself.

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 31/08/2020 00:18

OP, yout partner has told you to change to cover up your body, you have complied to avoid him reacting badly to you disobeying, he has told you that a part of your body belongs to him and he gets to tell you what to do with it and you haven't raised this as an issue because you know your concerns would be dismissed and you would be accused of overreacting.

Many PPs have told you this is wrong and why.

Perhaps consider their advice seriously and quietly, even if deep contemplation is confronting or painful.

PeraltasWife · 31/08/2020 00:29

It's not ok and I think deep down you know that. He is not a lovely man as a lovely man would not make you feel the way he has. A lovely man would not make you feel uncomfortable like the examples you've given. He sounds very controlling and unpleasant. The fact you knew instinctively that there would be an atmosphere if you didnt tow the line I think says it all. Your worth more than this.