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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit funny about DH's comment

345 replies

redwinefine · 30/08/2020 22:15

This has been in my head all day and it may have been an off the cuff remark. Last night, DH and I were heading out for some (socially distanced) drinks with his friends. I was wearing a low cut dress and tights. When I came downstairs after getting dressed, DH said I looked fantastic but asked me to change. I asked why and he said 'because you look very booby and they're mine'. I laughed, thinking he was joking, but he just looked at me. I changed for an easy life and nothing else was said about it. AIBU to feel a bit funny about his comment? BTW, very happily married, sometimes he makes comments about what I'm wearing e.g. 'that's very bright and colourful, just like you' but nothing like this.

YABU - it was a joky comment, get over it
YANBU - it's your body, dress as you want

OP posts:

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 30/08/2020 22:50

, it was more that he expected me to change and he was waiting for me to do so

And you think that's ok?

Here's the thing, he hasn't displayed any "worrying"(for you) behaviours because you always toe the line, wear what he wants, put up with the comments and the unsaid threat of an "atmosphere " is enough to keep him in check.

It's not that he's not capable of it, it's just that you are mollifying him...for now.

billy1966 · 30/08/2020 22:52

Not a little remark.
None of them are.
You can come on MN and post and dismiss the responses OP.

The truth is this is not healthy.
You have a controlling partner who is very jealous.
Not healthy.
Deal or no deal but don't lie to yourself.
You know this isn't healthy.

Iammariedtojacksparrow · 30/08/2020 22:53

The only time I have changed when my DP has said, is when I have asked his opinion and wasn't sure on how it looked.

I would find it worrying you did it for an easy life

Pollypocket89 · 30/08/2020 22:54

@redwinefine do you watch coronation Street? If not, read up on the Yazmeen and Geoff storyline...

PickAChew · 30/08/2020 22:56

You don't find the fact that you complied because you wanted to avoid an atmosphere worrying, then?

GoNucksFiven · 30/08/2020 22:57

Sorry OP, but this sort of thing usually escalates. You really need to set him straight.

CSIblonde · 30/08/2020 22:57

You changed? Heck, no. The usual reaction to a nice outfit & some cleavage is wow,you look nice. My friends abusive ex used to make her change & she had to be covered from neck to knee or he'd sulk. He was the most creepy, horrible guy ,the crap she put up with was unbelievable. Even before she'd told me everything & he did his perfect husband act ,he gave me the creeps . What else does he dictate? It will get worse .

Eckhart · 30/08/2020 22:58

If I hadn't changed, I feel like there would have been an atmosphere for the rest of the night/ beyond

This is controlling and emotionally manipulative.

He really is a lovely man - when we were out, he kept checking I was ok, or getting me involved in the conversation

That doesn't mean it's a lovely man, it means he takes care of his possessions.

augustusglupe · 30/08/2020 23:00

I know, but a ‘look that he’s waiting for you to change’ is just a bit controlling in my book. I wouldn’t be comfortable with it myself, but ok.

GinWithRosie · 30/08/2020 23:01

EVERYTHING you are saying about him is making it worse...not better. Please re-read your posts as if through the eyes of a mother, reading about her daughter. Then ask yourself...how would you feel if you were reading about your daughter being controlled by her husband in this way? Your husband is not a 'lovely man' OP.

UnaCorda · 30/08/2020 23:03

I would have answered actually they’re mine.

The perfect response.

Pollaidh · 30/08/2020 23:03

Something like this should not cause an 'atmosphere'. It sounds like he uses fear of his cold disapproval to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

The comment is very weird, implying ownership of your body. When someone does this I always have an image of a cackling serial killer, for some reason. If it was really a joke, you wouldn't be expecting an atmosphere. You've been conditioned.

FindingNeverland1 · 30/08/2020 23:03

In theory, I completely agree that a partner shouldn't dictate what another partner wears.

In reality I quite often have to ask my DH to change before we socialise. Usually because I want him to be appropriately dressed and the outfit he's chosen is too casual for the venue / looks a bit grubby / doesn't fit properly. And sometimes because what he's thrown together look genuinely ridiculous.
Is it possible your outfit choice could have been way OTT for the situation and maybe look inappropriate and he didn't want to tell you that?

His comment about your boobs is not good. I would be on guard for any further comments or possessive behaviour like this.

Dullardmullard · 30/08/2020 23:04

Wear the dress tomorrow and go out see what his reaction is as it will speaks volumes.

Question how long have been together?

If mine had said that it would of been they are mine and let’s go. No changing and if he took the huff I’d of told him he was being a bloody child and went home thinking how to leave.

queenofknives · 30/08/2020 23:06

He sounds very controlling and unpleasant. You said you got changed because you didn't want to create a problem or atmosphere - in other words, you felt you had to do as you were told otherwise he would create an unpleasant atmosphere and blame you for it.

Those are some massive red flags. He really doesn't sound like a nice man. I would be wary now that you have obeyed him, he will expect to be obeyed every time. Notice how often he tries to control your behaviour, such as not allowing you to talk to someone at a wedding, or making you get changed. What happens if you say no?

Spiderbaby8 · 30/08/2020 23:09

urgh at "they're mine"
Personally I hate low cut but that doesn't mean you dictate to others, it sounds controlling, especially when implying your body belongs to him.

Candyflosscookie · 30/08/2020 23:10

HIS boobs?
HIS boobs???

Controlling, possessive, and likely misogynistic in that he views you as his property.

Good luck with that OP.

Candyfloss99 · 30/08/2020 23:13

The fact that you actually changed means this is not ok.

JulesCobb · 30/08/2020 23:14

If I hadn't changed, I feel like there would have been an atmosphere for the rest of the night/ beyond
Thats him controlling you. You wont question his misogyny because he has trained you not to by making you know he will make the evening unpleasant.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2020 23:17

@redwinefine

If I hadn't changed, I feel like there would have been an atmosphere for the rest of the night/ beyond. He tends to be quite jealous but nothing worrying if that makes sense - he'd make a little comment but only what could be taken as a 'joke'. It was just the 'they're mine' comment, I didn't like. I didn't want to sour the evening, so didn't say anything and haven't brought it up with him.

Nothing worrying?

You had to change your clothes because your husband though that his property was too much on show?
And if you hadn't there would have been an atmosphere? Because you hadn't obeyed?

Oh, it's worrying.

stormystormysky · 30/08/2020 23:17

This isn’t normal

DolphinsAndNemesis · 30/08/2020 23:18

“They’re mine”? Gross. What sort of patriarchal Victorian rock has he been living under? I would have worn the dress, “atmosphere” be damned.

GabsAlot · 30/08/2020 23:18

theyre his are they what about the rest of you

what a controlling wank

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2020 23:19

@redwinefine

He really is a lovely man - when we were out, he kept checking I was ok, or getting me involved in the conversation. He just get jealous - I never thought it would be with his friends, though - and would make the odd comment. E.G. before lockdown, we were at a wedding and I was chatting to a male guest. DH came up to me and said 'i think people are gathering because they're about to do the first dance. If you can tear yourself away, that is.' Sometimes I will ask what I should wear between two options and he'll pick the more conservative but I didn't ask for his opinion this time and we were about to head out the door. I didn't want an atmosphere while we were out with his mates.

@augustusglupe it wasn't threatening, it was more that he expected me to change and he was waiting for me to do so

He is NOT a lovely man.

Lovely men aren't jealous or possessive and they don't sulk if their wife is talking to a man or wearing something he doesn't approve of.

And he expected you to change?

Wake up love.

ComDummings · 30/08/2020 23:21

He doesn’t sound like a lovely man. Sure, he can be lovely but so can anyone. Even the worst most awful people can be lovely most of the time. The jealousy, little digs etc are to control you. That’s not lovely at all.

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