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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL wants us to contribute to cost of holiday

165 replies

nervousnelly8 · 30/08/2020 18:32

MIL has a birthday coming up and SIL is taking her for a weekend away in a European city. SIL has asked DH and I to contribute to the cost of their trip "instead of buying a present that she won't want".

DH has asked my opinion. The amount that SIL is asking for is quite a bit more than we would usually spend on birthday presents, but it wouldn't cause us any great financial hardship to do it. My initial reaction is that she is being a CF to ask us to pay for their holiday and that DH should buy what he likes for his mum, AIBU?

OP posts:
MergeDragons · 30/08/2020 18:36

I'm taking my mum away for a birthday trip. I've asked my siblings if they would like to contribute to a specific activity rather than just generally so a boat trip, a dinner, a concert, museum tickets etc. - I'm not expecting them to but they have the choice if they want to. Could you do something similar - pay for MIL's share of an activity rather than just give money generally.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/08/2020 18:36

So is DH expecting you to make the decision, or is he going to deal with it himself?

Beechview · 30/08/2020 18:38

Is this something that mil would love above anything else?
Is what you’re paying fair or are you subsidising the whole trip. I’d look at mils cost and split it between the siblings.

Riojasmoothy · 30/08/2020 18:38

If she can't afford to take MIL without your contribution then she shouldn't have arranged the trip and suggesting your gift would be unwanted is rude.
Let sil pay for her gift and you and DH choose your own. Unless of course mil is notoriously difficult to please, in which case it could be an easy option. Just make sure you bring attention to your contribution somehow, maybe a line in a card about enjoying the trip?

TheSeedsOfADream · 30/08/2020 18:38

Up to him what he wants to do for his mother. Leave him to it.

Youzam · 30/08/2020 18:39

I think that’s really rude of her! Could you buy euros and give them to the mum yourself for spending money?

rookiemere · 30/08/2020 18:39

It's a tricky one. It was rude of her to stipulate an amount, but the idea of contributing to it, rather than buying a present isn't a fundamentally bad one.

Smelborp · 30/08/2020 18:40

I would leave the city break as her gift. If she’s there on it too, it’ll seem like solely hers anyway.

Dita73 · 30/08/2020 18:41

I’d tell her to sod off

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 30/08/2020 18:42

I’d contribute but yeh amount is set by you.

Ohtherewearethen · 30/08/2020 18:42

At first glance it does sound a bit CF. I don't give gifts to get a huge fuss but it might annoy me slightly if all everyone heard afterwards was his wonderful SIL treated mum to a wonderful weekend, etc, and her acting as though she was responsible for the whole thing. Why not give your MIL the amount you'd usually spend in Euros so she can treat herself whilst there?

HomesUnderTheSpanner · 30/08/2020 18:43

If you can't think of anything she'd like and it's easier to just pay up, I'd contribute. But I do think it's CF territory as your SIL will get to enjoy the gift too!

I'd feel much more comfortable if I were paying for something specific just for her while she's actually there, e.g. a massage, her part of a boat trip, etc. Something that SIL could actually tell her that is from DH and you.

Ohtherewearethen · 30/08/2020 18:44

Ah sorry, cross posted with Youzam

Chloemol · 30/08/2020 18:45

If you do you need to make sure your mil knows you also paid and it’s not all from the sil

That said unless it’s a notable birthday then I would not be contributing and would get something she does want

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2020 18:46

I think it would be nice to contribute. But the amount should have been agreed before the holiday was booked.

OverTheRainbow88 · 30/08/2020 18:47

What’s CF stand for?

I like the pp idea of paying for something for her to do once there.

Polnm · 30/08/2020 18:48

No it is totally CF

If she can’t afford to pay for it then don’t invite, you don’t ask your family to chip in to your present when it includes you going away

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 30/08/2020 18:48

Up to him what he wants to do for his mother. Leave him to it.
OP's DH has asked for her opinion. Why would she leave him to it?

Fwiw, OP, I would not offer to take my DM away for the weekend for her birthday and then ask my sibling to contribute. That is being a CF.

I would buy her a gift so that she has more than one form of enjoyment on her day. I would probably buy her something new to wear on her hols or pay for her to have her hair (or hair and nails) done before she goes.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/08/2020 18:48

As pp said I would contribute in and activity or dinner or similar.

But what does DH want to get her? If you don’t have anything else and it is actually likely it’s not something she will want them I don’t see the harm.

But I wouldn’t give money towards just the holiday.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 30/08/2020 18:49

Perhaps contribute something towards your mums half

SBTLove · 30/08/2020 18:49

I’d offer to chip in towards Mil’s share not the whole cost like spending ££

ChaChaCha2012 · 30/08/2020 18:50

I'd contribute, but as above the amount should have been discussed before booking.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 18:50

I’d happily do this and think it’s lovely she asked so the trip can be from both of them and as she said, he’s not buying her some shite she doesn’t need.

Do you not like your sil? Why can’t your husband make these decisions himself? It’s not like you’re going to be financially struggling with it, so why can he not simply make a decision on what to spend and what to get for his own mother?

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 30/08/2020 18:50

CF is cheeky fucker

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 30/08/2020 18:50

CF - Cheeky fucker.

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