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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL wants us to contribute to cost of holiday

165 replies

nervousnelly8 · 30/08/2020 18:32

MIL has a birthday coming up and SIL is taking her for a weekend away in a European city. SIL has asked DH and I to contribute to the cost of their trip "instead of buying a present that she won't want".

DH has asked my opinion. The amount that SIL is asking for is quite a bit more than we would usually spend on birthday presents, but it wouldn't cause us any great financial hardship to do it. My initial reaction is that she is being a CF to ask us to pay for their holiday and that DH should buy what he likes for his mum, AIBU?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 30/08/2020 19:14

Cheeky cow.

Reminds me.. my DH and his brother saved up for a holiday for this parents anniversary.

We had moved away, so cheeky bitch SIL presented the holiday, and never mentioned who'd actually contributed.

OP, it will always be remembered as "their" holiday.

Do your own thing OP.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 30/08/2020 19:15

No way would I contribute! And not only because the request to contribute is CFery but because she is also downright rude in suggesting that you would be unable to choose something yourselves that MIL would like.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/08/2020 19:16

@2pinkginsplease

I think it’s a bIt cheeky of her to be a part of this trip that she wants you to pay towards, she should have either invited you or covered the full cost herself.

I hate getting told what to pay or what to buy so I probably would say no!

Agree with this.

Your MIL will give all the credit to your SIL - and even if you contribute, and tell her , this will go down in family history as the tea you "didn't bother with a present".

You weren't consulted about this trip, and nor have you been invited to join them - I wouldn't contribute.

A PP suggested that you buy her a nice outfit/ pair of really stylish but comfy sandals for sightseeing etc - if you do contribute to the holiday, do it in this way, not just a bank transfer of cash to pay for the break.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/08/2020 19:16

*year, not tea

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/08/2020 19:17

Cross-post Ted

stealthmama · 30/08/2020 19:20

No it's pretty lame really both on SILs part for assuming you'd get something MIL doesn't want but also that his mum deserves more than an easy opt out on his part which is what agreeing would be.

I'd say no and do my own thing (as I did with my father earlier this year). SIL will be miffed but she needs to be less controlling.

FinnyStory · 30/08/2020 19:20

I'd be thrilled that someone else was doing all the leg work and I didn't have to bother thinking of, finding and buying a present but if you DH doesn't want to do it, then don't.

Backtobasics5 · 30/08/2020 19:21

I think it’s very rude. Firstly if SIL had come up with an idea of a present and said what do you think of this instead... that would be a bit better. To assume you can afford whatever amount and impose is unacceptable! (Especially at a time like this)

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/08/2020 19:22

SIL has asked DH and I to contribute to the cost of their trip

That is CF ery as she didn't ask DH before the trip and indicate what the cost was. Its a mother/daughter trip and she didn't ask him (We did a trip for MIL where all the siblings went, not the partners but just MILs children, and everyone paid a share of MIL's costs and their own. but what the SIL is proposing is a contribution to THEIR trip..to make it cheaper for SIL as she's planned all this without involving DH at all except for the demanding payment part. so yes that is CF. Its not a joint present. I think this could end up with DH contributing and then buying MIL a present. As otherwise it looks on the surface that he hasn't made any effort. If its a present from both of them, DH should ask to be included in the trip LOL
I think your DH knows this and that is why he has asked OP for your opinion to be sure of how he feels about it.

Also cheeky to infer that you buy MIL presents she doesn't want and that only SIL's present choice is what MIL wants.

Also, refusing SIL will certainly cause offence and get back to MIL and make you and DH look a bit crappy so its a further cheek as its a bit of emotional blackmail.. but it depends if you think its worth it for a quiet life and to say to SIL, we will do it this time but you are a CF to do this and never put us in this position again?
Total cheek by SIL all round, but you could ask MIL what she'd like best and give her the choice?

FinnyStory · 30/08/2020 19:23

I think this is all in the tone of the asking and the relationship with SIL. For example, if my DSis were to suggest it for my parents "instead of buying something they don't want" it would be because we've had the conversation about what to buy and how they don't want anything many times and I'd be delighted to spend the money, this year, on something more worthwhile, even if it was more than usual.

Hardbackwriter · 30/08/2020 19:24

Although I still think it would be rude given that he's not going, it would also be a bit better if he'd been asked at the point where he could have had meaningful say in plans - e.g., could have suggested a specific activity that he then paid for, could have chosen somewhere special to stay, etc. Since it sounds like it's all planned his only contribution will be to give SIL cash for something she's already planned which will - very unfairly - make it look like he's been incredibly lazy and just not bothered to put any thought in.

Lockdownhairdontcare · 30/08/2020 19:24

I would say ‘it’s lovely that you want to treat her to a weekend away, we will treat her to euros so then her whole trip is covered between us’ Grin

PinkSparkleUnicorns · 30/08/2020 19:27

I wouldn't want to. I'd reply with 'that's a nice idea but we've already bought her something.'

Witchend · 30/08/2020 19:28

I'm not sure. Is it a holiday mil really would love, and sil is going with her because it's nicer to do things together/mil would struggle on her own? In which case sil may be giving a lot of time and energy on something she isn't that keen on.
Or is it a holiday sil would really like and it's a cheeky way of getting it cheap?
Can sil afford it on her own, but then thought it's a big present and maybe you would prefer to contribute to it than have what looks like a much smaller present?

My thoughts are roughly:
Sil should have asked before booking if she can't afford it.
Have you got anything else in mind?
If you do pay something, is it going towards a specific thing, or a generally, "in the kitty"?

It could be cheeky.
We had dh's sil asked dh and his siblings all to give an amount for an event for dh's brother to do for his 40th, that was around 3-5 times the amount they would normally have spent on presents, plus that specific brother had announced (not discussed, and only told when one of them pointed out he hadn't given presents for at least 2 years while accepting them) around 5 years previously that he wasn't giving siblings presents any more. They were on considerably more disposable income than anyone else.
Dh pointed out the cheekiness of that (including that he'd received nothing for his 40th) but one of the younger ones felt pressurised into paying-and then when he asked for something for his 40th (much smaller I'll add) was told "we're not doing presents for siblings" Shock
That's cheeky.

Another situation was a friend who had always wanted to go to a specific not very well known band, for her birthday one year someone sent round a message asking if she was able to get hold of tickets would anyone like to make a small contribution instead of (as we normally did) going out for a meal and covering the birthday person's meal. They said they were happy to go with the friend, (and we knew they didn't particularly like the music) but would pay their own ticket, or if anyone else wanted to go instead then please let them know.
In that case, although we didn't normally get presents, it was fine because they checked beforehand and weren't profiting out of it. They didn't ask for a specific amount, and no one knows who contributed nor how much, and there was no pressure to do so.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 30/08/2020 19:28

She should have discussed this beforehand . I think I would say ' oh sorry I wish you had said as we have planned something - a spa day/afternoon tea/whatever at x here in the UK .

FredaFox · 30/08/2020 19:29

I think giving her spending money for the trip/ and or an item of clothing for it?
You could book dinner or an excursion for her
You could buy a guide book and put the euros inside?
Sil should have asked if you wanted to contribute or even go with them it’s cf to assume you will pay that much money to her, like pp says it will be remembered as their trip

Refractory · 30/08/2020 19:30

Doesn't pass the smell test, I"m not sure where people get these ideas.

IMO communal gifts should begin with a conversation that's something like: Would you like to go in on something together, what should it be, and how much should we spend, with everyone having plenty of opportunity to opt out.

EwwSprouts · 30/08/2020 19:31

Just no. SIL will present it as her idea and afterwards that was her that made it such fun!

If MIL prefers doing something then you & DH take her out for an afternoon tea or dinner or trip to stately pile as your gift of time with her.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/08/2020 19:33

Sounds to me as if SIL's overstretched herself and now has her hand out - otherwise she'd surely have spoken about this before booking?

Like so many PPs I'd gladly contribute, but I'd do it by giving something to MIL specifically rather than subsidising SIL IYSWIM?

Sciencebabe · 30/08/2020 19:33

Your SIL will still get all the praise for arranging it and going with her. Do something separate from just you guys. Tell her you're going to give your MIL spending money for the trip or your husband can take her out somewhere nice in his own time.

Waveysnail · 30/08/2020 19:33

I'd give mil the usual amount you spend as spending money.

ChikiTIKI · 30/08/2020 19:35

I would either say we had already bought something...

Or get some euros and give them to MIL for her spending money?

Newnamenewopenme · 30/08/2020 19:36

I hate peoples asking stuff like this!! My sister wanted me to go halves on two tickets for a concert for our mums 50th that she would take her to. I said I liked the idea so I would go halves for us to get three tickets instead - she couldn’t afford that apparently so I said I would take mum with the second ticket then..... she kicked off saying I was unfair suggesting she went halves for two tickets when she wasn’t invited to go! She couldn’t see the double standards 🙄

Refractory · 30/08/2020 19:38

I like the idea of euros - somehow converting pounds to another currency makes it a more acceptable gift than cash in my eyes. I won't say this makes any sense.

msflibble · 30/08/2020 19:40

I can't imagine even thinking of doing the same if I were in your SIL's position, and I can't imagine any of my in-laws ever being cheeky enough to plan a holiday for themselves and then bill us for it.

Tell her politely that you'll decide what you buy for MIL yourselves.