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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL wants us to contribute to cost of holiday

165 replies

nervousnelly8 · 30/08/2020 18:32

MIL has a birthday coming up and SIL is taking her for a weekend away in a European city. SIL has asked DH and I to contribute to the cost of their trip "instead of buying a present that she won't want".

DH has asked my opinion. The amount that SIL is asking for is quite a bit more than we would usually spend on birthday presents, but it wouldn't cause us any great financial hardship to do it. My initial reaction is that she is being a CF to ask us to pay for their holiday and that DH should buy what he likes for his mum, AIBU?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 30/08/2020 22:28

Glad all sorted. Sounds like just not all the info in the first place but all well intentioned. Glad DH gets to go with his original plan.

LadyLairdArgyll · 30/08/2020 22:31

Good stuff OP Flowers

Lysianthus · 30/08/2020 23:04

@Refractory

I like the idea of euros - somehow converting pounds to another currency makes it a more acceptable gift than cash in my eyes. I won't say this makes any sense.
I know exactly what you mean!
YummyJamDoughnut · 30/08/2020 23:06

IMO- Hell no.
You're not going on the break, you don't fund it- any of it! Different if you were all going.

honeygirlz · 30/08/2020 23:36

Glad all sorted. The weekend away would have been remembered as SIL’s gift not DH’s do he was right to say no and organise his own gift.

Why was SIL asking for a contribution when it sounds like she isn’t going to pay for anything just yet?

AhNowTed · 30/08/2020 23:53

Ha so she hasn't actually committed to any funds herself, just wanted to shore up your contribution so she pays less for her, sorry your MIL holiday.

It's laughable really.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 31/08/2020 00:01

Very cheeky unless convo had before she booked about a good present and a joint decision about the present and who beat to take her. If its not that scenario I'd say Bloody cheeky fucker.

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/08/2020 03:10

If the dates weren’t even set in stone it does sort of seem particularly cheeky for her to have asked him to joint fund without also asking if he wanted to go. But you did say SiL probably knew he wouldn’t want to so maybe she really was just thinking it would make things easy for him (as you have said he struggles with present buying his sister presumably knows this too) and help her not break the bank/let you give MiL an even better time. It’s not necessarily entitled and cheeky.

In any case, it sounds like your DH’s plan is much more appropriate as a gift from him and something that MiL will really enjoy.

FredaFox · 31/08/2020 11:59

Great news she hadn’t booked it and you can do your own thing

On a side note I hope future posters read the OPs comments and updates before responding 🤓

expatinspain · 31/08/2020 17:38

I think it’s a bit cheeky tbh. Fine if it was a trip your DH was invited on, but otherwise it should be the present from your sister-in-law. It would be totally different if it were a surprise trip for a couple that no one was going on, but to be asked to contribute to a trip you’re not invited on, by someone else who is just seems a bit CF to me.

FelicisNox · 31/08/2020 17:48

YANBU: as others have stated, it's not that you've been asked to contribute, it's that the budget was set without consultation.

Your DH is asking for your opinion because he is unhappy and wants your support, not, because you're difficult (really? Talk about a stretch of the imagination).

It's the principle and the rude assumption that any present you buy will not be suitable and you are contributing to a holiday you're not even invited to. It's utterly bad manners.

Give her spending money. She will be happy with that.

DonaPatrizia · 31/08/2020 18:01

I have taken my mum on various mini breaks for birthdays etc, also my niece came a couple of times. Never occurred to me to ask my bro to contribute (even for his daughter) as he wasn’t coming!

Chocaholic4672 · 31/08/2020 18:02

It was a big birthday for my sister a couple of years back and I along with my niece had a European City Break. I basically split the cost 3 ways and then a few of the family paid for my sisters holiday. I certainly didn’t expect people to pay for mine and my nieces holiday!
I would ask how much the holiday is, divide it by 2 and then you pay half and sister in law can pay the other half!

peachdribble · 31/08/2020 18:03

I think it's a great idea! Let her have some spending money if you can afford it - if you usually only buy her small gifts then give her a small amount :)

Celestine70 · 31/08/2020 18:05

Just give your mum spending cash to the amount of YOUR choosing. SIL shouldn't expect you to shell out for her gift.

Devlesko · 31/08/2020 18:06

Just give her what you would normally spend.
I don't see the problem, tbh.
I certainly wouldn't give more, it's sil present not yours.
You could tell her you already have something for mil.

eeyore228 · 31/08/2020 18:08

I would ask how much it will cost then contribute to MILs portion. SIL can pay for herself.

pollymere · 31/08/2020 18:08

It is her present to her Mum. Don't get involved as I doubt she'll mention you paid half when they're on their trip! I once got asked to contribute to a group gift for a relative. I declined, buying them something I thought they'd like instead. We got evil looks from the group on the day - especially when they were overjoyed with our gift and actually rude about the other! If it goes well, your SIL gets the credit, if it goes badly, your DH will share the blame.

Jack80 · 31/08/2020 18:37

I would see where they are going and pay for an activity or for a meal while they are away. You could book a meal in a fancy restaurant for while they are there

NotMyFinestMoment · 31/08/2020 18:49

I'd say something along the lines of "the gift that you got MIL from you is a lovely gift and I am sure she will be absolutely delighted with YOUR gift but myself and DH have already arranged a gift for her".

purplecorkheart · 31/08/2020 18:59

I would probably get your Mom one of those currency card and put a certain amount of euros on it. Then she can chose what activity, meal shopping etc she wants.

coffeehelps · 31/08/2020 19:08

Unless you ask someone what they'd like for their birthday, I think it's cheeky to say! His sister should have asked how you'd feel about the idea before she went ahead with it and she's assuming you're not already planning something yourselves!

DreamTheMoors · 31/08/2020 19:18

@nervousnelly8

Could you get her a gift that she could use on the trip? Like a carryon bag or makeup case with TSA approved little bottles in it? Or maybe a pretty passport case? Something along those lines?

That way you are contributing to the trip and telling SIL to feck off at the same time.

SIL is being a MAJOR CF so don’t give in. Her behavior is rude, crude and unattractive. Please don’t condone it.

SallyB392 · 31/08/2020 19:30

Why not get her a voucher (MiL), that she can use before she goes to have her hair or nails done or perhaps some spending money in Euros. Even better, if money isn't an issue and it's a special birthday a spa day for you and your MiL before she goes away, but ultimately if you want to avoid resentments, perhaps you could compromise, a smaller gift that you can give, perhaps things that go towards the holiday, a book with ideas of things to do or pay for a lunch on a boat along the Seine for your MiL& SiL, or just give SiL the money she wants but get DH to make it clear that you're not happy at being placed in this position.

Dragonsmother · 31/08/2020 19:55

What a CF!
Is it a mother daughter trip or a general trip?
If it’s a mother daughter trip- tell the CF where to go!!
If it a general trip and there’s an invitation for you/ you and OH then I would understand.

If she wants to take her mother on holiday- then she can, but totally unreasonable to expect £.