SIL wants us to contribute to cost of holiday

[nervousnelly8]

MIL has a birthday coming up and SIL is taking her for a weekend away in a European city. SIL has asked DH and I to contribute to the cost of their trip "instead of buying a present that she won't want".

DH has asked my opinion. The amount that SIL is asking for is quite a bit more than we would usually spend on birthday presents, but it wouldn't cause us any great financial hardship to do it. My initial reaction is that she is being a CF to ask us to pay for their holiday and that DH should buy what he likes for his mum, AIBU?

No to a cash amount (because can he be sure it's going towards the trip if it's already paid for?!), also no if he wanted to take his mum out to celebrate and spend some time with her for her birthday. If not, I'd offer to book a nice restaurant and pay for the meal while they're away as a gift. But really, the sister is benefitting here so it's a bit of a weird gift.

I'd just get your DH to ask you MIL? Would she rather have money towards the trip or a present.

Bit cheeky to ask for it now tbf, especially on a trip you're not even attending. Is she unable to meet the costs herself? I've contributed to a trip away before for my DF's birthday insteadof buying him a gift. Not only was I invited to attend (didn't go) but was was asked prior to them booking if I'd help cover the costs of my dads share of expenses.

Bit cheeky to ask for it now tbf, especially on a trip you're not even attending. Is she unable to meet the costs herself? I've contributed to a trip away before for my DF's birthday insteadof buying him a gift. Not only was I invited to attend (didn't go) but was was asked prior to them booking if I'd help cover the costs of my dads share of expenses.

I think it depends. I took my Mum for a spa break for a ‘big’ birthday- I paid in full for it. My brother and Aunts asked if they could pay for anything, so I booked her some extra treatments as her gifts from them. I would never have asked them to contribute money to our towards the balance of a break I was benefitting from!

I'd give MIL some cash in the relevant currency so she can pay for something on the trip.

This should have been discussed before the holiday was arranged. SIL will be getting a holiday out of it too so she's being bloody cheeky to expect you to be paying a substantial amount more than the cost of a birthday present without discussing it before it was arranged. When my mum has had a big birthday, DSis and I have either gone for a weekend away abroad with her to celebrate (we just all paid for each other I think, she was way more well off than either of us at the time), or for her latest one, we paid for a cottage for a weekend away at which all her female relatives came.

I've had similar requests before, OP. DH's brother's wife booked them a weekend away as a "graduation present" to DH's brother (big bloody graduation present!!!!). We knew nothing about it until she texted DH and his other brothers suggesting they pay for a "his 'n' hers" massage as she "wanted to treat DH, he has worked so hard". It took me and the other relatives all our strength to not text back "If it's YOUR treat, YOU treat him!!!" It was not his first graduation either so no big deal really. Our usual graduation thing is to text whoever it is "congratulations!" when a relative graduates, maybe send a card if a close relative, and buy them a congratulatory drink when we saw them. We would not usually buy a present (why?!?) and certainly wouldn't be wanting to cover someone else's "treat" to their spouse, especially when she was a bloody massage therapist herself!!!

It makes me laugh even now, the gall of her. We were having house renovations done at the time and every spare money was going on that. We did NOT give her money, and we told her why. Funnily enough she is now DBIL's ex-wife (other reasons - even worse....)

We also had similar years back when we were really really skint. It was FIL's big birthday, and DH's older brother (in well paid job, annual bonus etc) texted his brothers to say that he knew their dad had always wanted this one particular type of watch, so could they split the cost equally between them. We really couldn't afford it at the time but DH was too proud to say that actuallly we couldn't afford it. We went quite a way into our overdraft and it took us a long time to pay off. That was a difficult one. I knew DH didn't want to lose face and say he couldn't do it so I just went along with it. But it did remind me to never ever assume in my life with anyone else that they can just afford to split something equally.

If I were you, I would see if DH would ask his mum if there is anything she would like for her birthday? It's very presumptuous of SIL to assume there's nothing she would like. If not, then I would do as others suggest and either give her some spending money for the hol and tell her to go out to a luxury restaurant (then it's up to her whether she uses the money to pay for SILs share, or just pay for her own), or pay for a trip or something.

To suggest she subs the joint trip - SIL is a total CF.

I'd give MIL some cash in the relevant currency so she can pay for something on the trip.

excellent compromise

Whose trip will you be subsidizing MIL or SIL? Seems a bit odd to ask for money after the decision has been made. I would expect that if SlL money financial situation has changed her mother should understand that and not expect a big gesture regardless of what birthday it is..it really depends how much money you are expected to chip in..if its significantly more than you would pay on a spend on a big birthday i think its reasonable to decline the offer !

DSis and I are taking DM away for a trip just before Christmas - COVID allowing. We will be telling her for her birthday in a few weeks.

We asked DB if he wanted to come, he said no so we are splitting DMs share between 2.

It wouldn’t even occur to me to ask because it’s bloody cheeky if he isn’t coming himself.

Normally who would your MIL normally go with on such a trip?
I would definitely contribute.

I have a close family member who was always doing this for an older family member - booking both expensive days out - lunch on the orient express type of thing and mini breaks. At first we went along with it as we worked long hours with a lot of travel and on call so we gave family member the benefit of the doubt when they said it was too complicated asking if we'd like to come along, even though this was always after it'd been booked so difficult to increase no's anyway. We always gave a substantial amount towards it (more than 50%) as we earnt more, CF family member didn't earn much and then often had an unexpected expense after booking the event so money was tight - funny that! We then found out that they weren't telling the truth about how much we'd contributed and used to say that we'd given a token amount. Basically we were heavily subsidising family member to have days out and mini breaks they couldn't afford. Also found out that the older family member didn't really enjoy them as the CF family member practically ignored them on the day out/ mini break and just did what they wanted to do. Older family member didn't want to complain as thought CF was spending so much money on them! Stopped doing it when we realised this which led to a massive strop by the CF about how they couldn't afford days out and mini breaks and it wasn't fair.

Is your DH close enough with his DSis to ask if she's gonna struggle to pay for the trip now her circs have changed? I suspect they're worried about money even if not immediately tight.

I'd decide on an amount and put cash in an envelope for his DM and say it's for a meal or whatever.

I've taken my mum away a few times for birthdays and I would never have asked my brother to contribute.

Sil is a CF, but I think the fact that she’s lost her job, since booking it, explains why she’s chancing it. She’s probably too proud to admit she’s struggling.

What about a compromise? Would you be able to lend your sil some money, (not the full amount she’s looking, but some) if she’s the sort to pay it back and give your mil a gift or spending money? That might take the pressure off her, they both have a nice break and you are assured she knows which gift is from you.

This happened to us once....we just said that we would do our own thing with her at a later date...and stuck to that.

I would expect her to pay for the trip as she wanted to do it. You could perhaps pay for something for MIL like a ticket for a show she'd enjoy.

hmmm.....the unexpected change of circumstances of SIL puts a slightly different slant on it. Perhaps she is struggling, but she should have made that clear when she suggested chipping in. Maybe ask how much MIL's share of the trip cost, and offer to go halves with SIL? I certainly wouldn't be going halves on the whole thing.

Same as others have said. Saying that whatever else your husband would've given her would be unwanted was very rude, and it's a treat for your SIL as much as for MIL, and it feels like she'll take the majority of the "credit" for the gift, and it's more than your husband wanted to spend. I don't like bossy people, and SIL comes across that way.

I would be disinclined to give SIL what she wants, honestly, but depending how much more it costs than his original plan, I'd leave it to your husband to make the ultimate decision. I'd want to be sure he was only contributing half of MIL's costs, though. SIL should pay her own way and part of MIL's for it to be remotely fair.

(However, since his plan was to take her out to eat, you SIL's "present she won't want" comment doesn't apply. A nice meal with her son isn't some unwanted toiletry set or something that will sit and gather dust.)

I'd give MIL some cash in the relevant currency so she can pay for something on the trip.

Perfect. I would do that too.
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I would contribute an amount I am happy with to the cost of the mum’s share of the holiday. But yes sister should have discussed with brother before booking.

Update: DH has spoken to his sister. Turns out she hasn't actually paid for anything yet. She has made a voucher and some provisional (refundable) bookings for the end of the year but plans to present it to MIL as a "when Covid allows" gift. Which seems very sensible.

DH has told her that he would rather do his own thing - MIL has been saying a lot recently that she would like to spend more quality time with him and DS so he is going to plan a day out/afternoon tea that they will all hopefully enjoy. Thanks for all the input, hopefully a drama avoided!

If your splitting the cost of MIL portion and SIL is paying for herself then I’d say it’s a lovely idea.

I wonder if it was her clumsy way of asking if DH would like to go as well? It so often reads on here as if only DD's go away on days out/weekends away with their Mothers. Although my DC are young at the moment, I hope that, if I am lucky enough to get whisked away for my 60th or similar, my DS will want to accompany me alongside his sisters.
And you say his DM would love quality time with him.

Agree with pp contribute to mil costs not the whole holiday.