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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL wants us to contribute to cost of holiday

165 replies

nervousnelly8 · 30/08/2020 18:32

MIL has a birthday coming up and SIL is taking her for a weekend away in a European city. SIL has asked DH and I to contribute to the cost of their trip "instead of buying a present that she won't want".

DH has asked my opinion. The amount that SIL is asking for is quite a bit more than we would usually spend on birthday presents, but it wouldn't cause us any great financial hardship to do it. My initial reaction is that she is being a CF to ask us to pay for their holiday and that DH should buy what he likes for his mum, AIBU?

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 30/08/2020 18:52

So sil was planning to pay for herself and mil ?
I think if there are two children of mil (s’il and your dh) then sil should pay 75% of break with dh paying 25% - ie he splits cost of his mas present with sil.
Or your dp could pay a bit more to acknowledge that sil is actually taking her away And making it happen.
If it were me and one of my siblings And I could afford it I’d probably offer to pay something like 35% of total. So 10% extra ie a fifth of s’ils half on top of half mils half.
It’s cheeky to ask now. A bit awkward but if you can afford then fallout from not paying towards it is too great - why not club together?
I used to take my ma away and to be honest didn’t ever think of asking siblings for anything toward it - they didn’t think to do it, didn’t come, wouldn’t have come and so why should they pay was my thinking.
Good luck op.

HeddaGarbled · 30/08/2020 18:52

Do you think your MIL might be disappointed if she didn’t get a present to unwrap as well as the weekend away?

HazelWong · 30/08/2020 18:53

Was he invited on the trip? I think it's rude to ask for his money but make clear that obviously SIL is the one whose company would be the best

TheHappyHerbivore · 30/08/2020 18:55

Depends - would your MIL appreciate the trip more than a physical present? If so, seems very sensible to contribute that instead of giving her something she doesn’t want.

Jaxhog · 30/08/2020 18:55

It's a tricky one. It was rude of her to stipulate an amount, but the idea of contributing to it, rather than buying a present isn't a fundamentally bad one.

I agree. It's still better than what my Dad did. He told me he'd offered for me to contribute 500 pounds towards my DB's next holiday because 'he needed a break'!!!!

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 18:56

And it’s interesting op you say your sis in law is a cheeky fucker and your husband can buy what he wants

Clearly not as he may wish to buy her the holiday. Does he ask your opinion for this very reason. You’ll make it difficult. Because instead of “ whatever you feel is best darling” we’ve a thread calling the sister in law a cheeky fucker and basically an insinuation from you he should say no and buy an actual gift.

Riojasmoothy · 30/08/2020 18:57

@Jaxhog please say you are not going to pay the £500!?!

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/08/2020 18:59

Has sil overstretched herself doing this trip?.

LockdownLump · 30/08/2020 19:00

You don't really like your SIL do you OP haha.

I would give her euro's.

Hardbackwriter · 30/08/2020 19:00

I think this is so weird and rude when SIL is also going on the trip. If the present was for MIL to go away without either of her children (or with both) then splitting it would be totally reasonable but if she's going on the holiday then I think asking others, who are not going, to contribute is not on.

TellMeAStoryIllTellYouTheTruth · 30/08/2020 19:00

I think this is really weird! If SIL AND your DH were taking their mum away fair enough! But if SIL has arranged the trip and is the only one going then no way should you contribute! Why doesn't your DH arrange something for them to do together for her birthday? A nice afternoon tea or dinner somewhere?

Witchytwitchybitchy · 30/08/2020 19:02

She should have asked before it was booked. If you don't give at least half then it will be presented as if it's her idea and her treat for MIL. I like the idea of an haircut or a good pair of walking shoes, so you are contributing to the trip.... On your own terms.

TellMeAStoryIllTellYouTheTruth · 30/08/2020 19:03

If it was just your MIL on the trip with none of her children then maybe both DH and SIL could contribute money or split the cost for their parents, for example. But there is no way my sister would take my mum away without me and ask me to pay towards it!

Shizzlestix · 30/08/2020 19:04

She should have asked prior to booking/deciding. I’d say no. Get what you want, don’t be dictated to.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/08/2020 19:04

I’d only be happy to do this if I (or your DH, actually!) had had conversations with his mum where it was clear she was really looking forward to it and that it was more her thing than SiL’s thing. Otherwise as you DH I’d want to choose something myself, not have my sister dictate what Mum got.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going along with it though, unless your DH thinks your mum isn’t really going to enjoy it. But I wouldn’t go over the budget I normally spent. And I think your only right to any say in this is over budget. It’s surely up to DH whether he wants to go along with the holiday idea or do something different.

blanchmange50 · 30/08/2020 19:04

SIL is being a CF- she wants to go with her mum on a city break and now asking that you contribute to it and not bother with a present. When my sisters and I sent my mum on a city break we paid for her and a friend to go. We agreed the cost and split it three ways. This was discussed and agreed...wasnt one of us deciding not to bother with a present and give me cash to contribute to my gift that I can enjoy with my mother

2pinkginsplease · 30/08/2020 19:06

I think it’s a bIt cheeky of her to be a part of this trip that she wants you to pay towards, she should have either invited you or covered the full cost herself.

I hate getting told what to pay or what to buy so I probably would say no!

Dominicgoings · 30/08/2020 19:07

Another vote for absolute CFuckery.

A breezy ‘Oh that doesn’t suit us SIL but hope you have a fabulous trip’ should cover it.

GisAFag · 30/08/2020 19:07

If I wasn't going on the trip I'd say its OK i'll get her something which I'm sure she will love.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 30/08/2020 19:07

So sil gets a holiday partly at your expense? No.
I'd give mil either euros for spending money or a gift.

AlwaysCheddar · 30/08/2020 19:08

CF!!!

BackforGood · 30/08/2020 19:08

As always with these situations, the concept of your dh contributing to something his Mum would really like for her birthday, rather than 'stuff' isn't a bad one, but the problem here is that his sister didn't put the idea out there when it was just that - an idea.

"Have you had any thoughts for Mum's birthday next year, DBro? Only, you know she's always wanted to go to {eg} Rome? I wondered about us making that happen for her birthday? We could both go, or, if you don't want to / can't get the time, I don't mind paying for myself to go with her, if you want to go halves on her costs?" and let him decided before it is booked

I don't like being presented with a bill for something someone else has decided / chosen / got without any consultation beforehand.

DameFanny · 30/08/2020 19:09

I'd get her a separate present anyway - high chance that if the weekend isn't cancelled they'll end up locked down or quarantined at short notice right now

Ideasplease322 · 30/08/2020 19:09

It is odd. I could understand if she discussed it with your husdand before plans and suggested the three of them go, and they each pay half of their mum’s cost. My sister and I do this all the time.

But I would never book a holiday for my mum and I, then ask my sister to contribute. It’s definitely mean and a not controlling.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 19:10

@Thehogfatherstolemycurry

So sil gets a holiday partly at your expense? No. I'd give mil either euros for spending money or a gift.
No, she’s not asking him to contribute to her share,she’s asking him to contribute to his mothers costs, which is a good idea,