AIBU / Selfish to not want to date a single Mum?

[jimmyjammy001]

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

Why shouldn't you want the kind of dating freedom lots of people have before they have kids. You're only 30. There must be plenty of women 25-30 who haven't yet had children. Kids are hard work and time consuming. Plenty of time for that. There are probably some who would criticize how you feel who would have felt exactly the same themselves before they had kids of their own.

Like their profiles say, just swipe left. Why are you even dating them? Did you not read the description.

So you don't want to date Mums, so you came on a website called Mumsnet to inform us of the fact? Thanks for sharing.

I love how defensive some of the single mothers on this thread are, and I say that as a single mother myself. OP is entitled to state his preferences isn’t he?

You're entitled to date whomever you choose, no one's business but your own. Frankly, I purposely never dated men with children for some of the reasons you mention, mainly time and attention.

My DS2 (about your age) feels the same. One thing I did caution him about (and thought about in relation to my own decision regarding men with children) was that as you get older the 'dating pool' of childless women will shrink. And also, you may miss out on a lot of lovely women. If you believe in 'The One' you may miss out on her too and end up with 'Not The One'. If that's a risk you feel is worth it, then stick with your decision.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

What did you want from this post OP? Did you want all the mums to gnash their teeth that they couldn't have you, or did you want us to tell your pals off for you, or did you want us to throw each other under the bus for a Pippa pig-free shag on a Sunday?

You do you pet, you're grand.

I also agree with this. It’s clear you know you’re not being ‘selfish’, so what do you want from this thread OP? Not sure why your ‘good job and own home’ are relevant.

YANBU. I always struggle to understand how some single mums seem to find a new partner so quickly after seperation for the reasons you give, it just seems like there must be so many obstacles in the way of a new relationship succeeding in the longer term, it must be so difficult.

TL;DR

My vagina isn't subject to the Equality Act. Nor is your penis. Date whomever you'd like who wants to date you.

I've never been to Butlins and never intend to.

You don't need your mother's permission not to date a mother.

Off you pop.

I don't think you are unreasonable, getting involved with people who have children often presents problems. However you are only thirty and I wouldn't have thought it was difficult to find childless young women.

Well, in a few years time you're going to struggle to find many women your age who don't have children. Most (though yes, I realise not all) do by mid thirties. The older you get, the less likely it is that you'll find a woman who doesn't

@jimmyjammy001

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

So don't then. That's simple is it not?

The first thing that strikes me is a single man with no children posting on mumsnet sorry but that's wierd

Of course he's entitled to his preference @Angelina82 but the OP is actually pretty nasty and goady...so the responses shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone with half a brain.

I couldn't give a shite who you date, but posting about it on here is deeply wierd.

And your posting for what reason?

You don't want to date a woman with kids, fine.

End of story.....

I believe no-one should be shamed for dating/partner choices. If you don't want someone overweight, someone who has different political beliefs, or someone with kids, that's absolutely fine. Life's short, go after the people you find attractive.

If you're still single in a decade you may need to start compromising because more of your dating demographic is coupled up, but at 30 you should be able to find dates without kids.

But you should also allow for chemistry - you may be happier with someone you genuinely fall for who has a messy domestic life than with the "perfect on paper" woman you eat meals in silence with because you have nothing to say to each other.

Oh, and I hope you have had the snip, because you really wouldn't be a good dad!!!!

Just stop dating them, you didn’t need to write a thesis about it.

My son is 23 and he won't date single mums. I fail to see why this is a problem or why you care what your friend thinks.

I wouldn't have dated anyone with kids before I met my husband, he wouldn't have either. It's up to you!

Why would it be selfish to know your own boundaries? More selfish to lead someone on and then explain later on why it’s not going to work for you.

I was single in my mid 20s and ended up dipping my toes into internet dating (though I eventually married my bf I had through uni!). I'd never even reply if someone had kids, I had 0 interest in someone who had such a commitment, so I can totally see where you are coming from.

I have 2 children now and a 3rd on the way and I can understand even more so now why you wouldn't want to buy into that life. Kids take over your life, it's hard enough having your relationship come second to your kids when they are biologically yours, I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where the relationship comes second to kids that aren't mine, wouldn't be for me. Let's hope I never end up single lol!

OP just don't date single mothers.

You come a cross as somewhat immature but you also have some valid points.

As an aside, I know plenty of single mums with careers, who’ve never set foot in Butlins or Hungry horse.