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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU / Selfish to not want to date a single Mum?

393 replies

jimmyjammy001 · 30/08/2020 00:16

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

OP posts:
Namechange8471 · 30/08/2020 00:41

You should probably keep some of your opinions to yourself, you come across as a bit of a twat.
That said, don’t date single mothers, nothing wrong with that.
Surely if you’ve got everything going for you, you can look in real life to date?

Seems a bit odd a single man with no kids posting on a mums parenting forum for advice?

Mamabear425 · 30/08/2020 00:42

@WorraLiberty

I honestly only bothered reading half of that because you're young, you've got your whole life ahead of you. You can date whoever you want.

Surely you know that?

I agree, got a few sentences in and thought... yeah just you wait!

No one enjoys pepper pig world and days of endless chaos! When you become a parent- your mindset changes and it doesn't matter anymore, it's all worth it to just make your little people happy. Most single women would much rather be going out late and relaxing the next day etc but that's not what it's about.

Is it hard? YES! is it worth it ABSO-fucking-lutley!

You won't understand it until you have your own, and you won't truly win the heart of a woman with children until you do.

My advice? Keep dating single women for now, but you never know.... one day a single mum may sweep you off your feet and before you know it your the one with an annual pass to pepper pig world and the smiles of those little faces will make it all worthwhile to you too.

Smile
Rhynswynd · 30/08/2020 00:42

Your life, your choice.

Although, I met DH when I was a single mum. He actually said to me when we started dating that he used to think single mums shouldn't be allowed to date. Pillock.

TheEC · 30/08/2020 00:43

I wouldn’t date someone who had kids. It’s extra baggage 🤷🏼‍♀️ Equally, with your attitude no one I’m with kids would want to date you so there’s no loss there is there

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 30/08/2020 00:44

@DangerMouse17

You seem to make some strange generalizations about single mothers. I've never been to Butlins or Hungry Horse...and my child doesnt create havoc because he's well behaved. Hmm

You've just come here to bash single mothers in my view. You can date who you want, no need to create a thread about it.

Oh and it's totally ok. We dont want you. Grin

Thats what I thought! I'm a single parent and could do term time adult only holidays and stay out late because I've got teens. I probably wouldn't date a man with kids either. Trying to mix 2 lots of kids and contact with other parents etc sounds altogether too stressful. If i wanted to date at all that is
Mamabear425 · 30/08/2020 00:44

@TheEC

I wouldn’t date someone who had kids. It’s extra baggage 🤷🏼‍♀️ Equally, with your attitude no one I’m with kids would want to date you so there’s no loss there is there
Had to laugh at that,... so true!
ILoveFood87 · 30/08/2020 00:47

YANBU totally agree I have a child but es a teen and laid back, I would try to avoid getting into a relationship with someone who has kids. Unfortunately my partner has 2 small ones .

Happymum12345 · 30/08/2020 00:52

Let’s hope you meet a nice single lady, fall in love, have children & stay together forever. You’re only 30, I’m sure that can still happen.

Quarterback11 · 30/08/2020 00:52

I'd like to think both partner's happiness should be equally as important, not just yours Hmm.

I also think you are being a bit short term minded. There's probably only a few years kids will even want to go to Peppa Pig world or wherever. So if you are dating someone with a 10 year old, in about 5 years they may not even want to go on holidays with their mum. So 5ish years of kid holidays and then 50 years of adult holidays?

Or date someone with no kids and then you get serious and have your own kids. Enjoy Peppa Pig world Wink

bez91 · 30/08/2020 00:54

YANBU at all. I'm married and we have a 2 year old but have never understood why males would find that a inviting prospect. I wouldn't.

My brother is just 25 and is with a girl who has 2 children by 2 different fathers (one of them doesn't even live with her which is another story) and I just feel sad that that's the best he's accepted in life. I hope he doesn't look back in years to come and regret his decision.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/08/2020 00:54

What did you want from this post OP? Did you want all the mums to gnash their teeth that they couldn't have you, or did you want us to tell your pals off for you, or did you want us to throw each other under the bus for a Pippa pig-free shag on a Sunday?

You do you pet, you're grand.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 30/08/2020 00:55

Most very nice single men I know don't go on Mumsnet on a Saturday night Hmm

ForrestTrump · 30/08/2020 00:59

I used to come on here when I was a single bloke. Loved all the drama and parking threads. 🤣

My best mate is a single dad and comes on here for advice. It was him that started showing me funny threads.

PinkyBrain · 30/08/2020 01:00

Not at all, you have to think of yourself and tbf you don’t have dc yet so are perfectly entitled to be selfish about this!

I’m happily married but if I was single I wouldn’t particularly want to take on anyone else’s dc and I’m also quite certain I don’t want any more dc of my own so wouldn’t date somebody who didn’t have any dc yet but wanted them iyswim. We limit our pool of potential partners as we feel suitable for our circumstances and shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

vodkaredbullgirl · 30/08/2020 01:00

Wouldnt want to date you either.

Scbchl · 30/08/2020 01:02

Not unreasonable. Date who you want. If I was single I doubt I'd date someone with kids. Its just another dimension to the relationship I wouldnt want. If I didnt have kids, I'd selfishly want to be able to do whatever we wanted when we wanted in a relationship. Not be tied down by someone else's children and childcare arrangements.

BabyStone · 30/08/2020 01:06

Don't date them then, they wouldn't be missing much
Also never have kids.. With an attitude like that I don't think it would be healthy for anyone
And lastly god forbid, you ever get with someone and have a child/ren, then break up.. And your ex settles down with someone else, making them their stepdad.
Could you deal with that?
And you'd be the single dad having them at weekends trying to fit them around your busy lifestyle.
Grow the fuck up

Herja · 30/08/2020 01:07

There's no problem with dating or not dating whoever you like. You would clearly make family life more miserable, along with yourself, were you to have a relationship where children were involved. In your case it is almost certainly better by far that you avoid it like the plague.

Out of interest though, I'm a single parent. My children spend 40% of their time with their father; I could easily have the sort of relationship you wanted. You are making complete assumptions about a very wide section of women. And you come across as a bit of a wanker. I'm not, so I have never had a problem dating at any point. Maybe try it and see if it improves your dating successes.

FenellaVelour · 30/08/2020 01:09

Okay, thanks for telling us Hmm

rvby · 30/08/2020 01:09

Do whatever you like. Just because someone thinks something, doesn't mean you have to listen to them

madcatladyforever · 30/08/2020 01:14

I wont date men with kids either.

Iammariedtojacksparrow · 30/08/2020 01:21

its your choice, just be aware that in 5-10 years you could be rejected because you have kids.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/08/2020 01:22

I'm ancient and my DS is only 20yo so I haven't had to think about this but I have a few young male work collegues and if one of them said they were OLD and going out with a single Mum, I'd be

"Seriosly ? Why d'you want to weigh yourself down with a relationship that you are going to come 2nd in ? 3rd if she has a dog.
Not being any sort of ist but I can see many pitfalls ahead
The DC will quite rightly always come first .

Hardbackwriter · 30/08/2020 01:25

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

What did you want from this post OP? Did you want all the mums to gnash their teeth that they couldn't have you, or did you want us to tell your pals off for you, or did you want us to throw each other under the bus for a Pippa pig-free shag on a Sunday?

You do you pet, you're grand.

This. I don't understand why you wrote this post. I never even considered going out with a guy with kids when I was single before I met DH. If I'd met the love of my life and he'd had children I suppose I'd have reconsidered, but it was pretty high up on my 'no thank you' list when considering men as potential dates. I didn't write long screeds about why I didn't go out with single dads, though, I just... didn't? It's not like anyone tries to make you, or that it's some sort of community obligation or something. If you don't want to go out with someone with children it's really easy, you just don't go out with someone with children.
Pluckedpencil · 30/08/2020 01:26

Was this because you were bemoaning the lack of nice women? I have a colleague who does this, who constantly tells me he is lonely and is romantic and wants a nice girlfriend but no one meets his very exacting standards so he is now 37 and still alone. Which is fine, but he won't accept that his ideal woman is a fantasy. I reckon what you need is a much younger woman. You sound that in your head you are still in your early 20s. If I were you, I would be looking for someone aged around 25 if they'll have you. And I'm sorry, I'm not being pedantic, I say it from a place of kindness, but get someone to spell check your dating profile if you have one because your spelling is not great (this would put me and many other women off replying on a dating website)