AIBU / Selfish to not want to date a single Mum?

[jimmyjammy001]

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

@FOKKYFC

As a single mum of three, I haven't the least idea what a 'Hungry Horse' is but, as I always tell my children to try and work out what something means from context, I imagine it's something in the Beefeater/Harvester line. Sounds a bit grim and you're not being unreasonable about that.

So what have we learned today? You wouldn't date me with my three (by and large) well-behaved children, even though I have two degrees, a decent rack, have never done MLM, and could guarantee a complete avoidance of shit eateries.

I wouldn't date you because you're labouring under the delusion that that ^ is how 'always' and 'a lot' are spelt.

Life's rich tapestry, eh?

None of the ‘benefits’ you mentioned would be enough for me to lumber myself with all the responsibilities (but none of the parental rights) for 3 kids in my 20s. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Everybody can date and reject whoever their want.

My daughter is the kind of woman the op is talking about.

Children. Tick.
Relies heavily on benefits. Tick.
Drama from ex partners/ husbands. Tick. (ex was abusive)

She's also classy, stylish, creative and stunningly beautiful. I doubt she's crying into her prosecco that the op wouldn't touch her with a bargepole.

I don't think any sensible, intelligent man or woman needs to be told that children are more "baggage" than many will want to take on. Thanks for your insight though op.

I don't blame you

Do you also go onto tinder and list reasons why dating is shit?

Or a forum about TV programmes to tell everyone the reasons TV is shit?

Or Christian forums to tell them why religion is shit?

Date who you want, nobody but you cares anyway.

Or did you expect us all to start doing the 'pick me' dance and begging you to date us?

How many single mums do you know? All of us?

Turn that question around on yourself. Do you know all single mums? The ones you know may be 100% unreliant on any benefits bug is that the typical national picture?

I know lots of single mums and many of them rely upon benefits. That's not their fault in any way but it is a fact. iI would be too if I became a single mum. I am from one if the poorer regions of the UK to be fair; we don't know where op is from.

I don't know if their are figures on what percentage of single parents (who are mostly single mums).

.. have to claim benefits, that was suppose to say.

Nothing wrong with it. Date whoever you want. I have one and would never date someone with kids. Mines hard work, don't have the patience for anyone else's, can't say I blame you.

'None of the ‘benefits’ you mentioned would be enough for me to lumber myself with all the responsibilities (but none of the parental rights) for 3 kids in my 20s. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Everybody can date and reject whoever their want.'

I wouldn't expect a man I was seeing to shoulder any of the attendant responsibilities of my children - and I wouldn't in a million years extend any of those responsibilities to a man like the OP at any rate. And PR? Are you insane? Why would he want it? Why would I want him to have it? My 13 year old son has, at a conservative estimate, 37 times the intellect and emotional maturity of the OP. So. Like I said. We all know where we stand. Jolly good.

The OP has just trotted out stereotypical tripe based on Daily Mail caricatures

Unless his post is fiction, he hasn't .. he's given his experiences of dating one or more single mum. And, interns of the eateries and days out and holidays) I can't say it seems untypical for many people I know (couples as well as single parents).

I know lots of people who go to family friendly eateries Inc McDonalds pretty much all the time with their kids for various reasons (kids appear to like it, convenience, less hassle etc), sane with holiday parks and small theme parks .. and these include people with a pretty good standard of living. So that aspect sounds realistic and is common, single parent or not.

The other aspects - ex stress, benefit issues, having to cancel things etc are common among single parents.

No not selfish. I stipulated no under 16's on my profile (I'm older with adult kids) now dp also has adult kids. It does narrow your pool of potential dates but at 30 many haven't had kids

YANBU.

It’s perfectly reasonable for you to not want to date single mothers. In your position, I probably wouldn’t want the hassle of having to disrupt my life and my plans to accommodate the needs of someone else’s children either.

But, by taking this approach you have to accept the reality that you are significantly narrowing your options in terms of potential partners. If ‘child-free’ is a deal-breaker for you, it may take you longer to find the right person. That’s the inevitable trade-off, and it’s your choice.

Dating with small children is hard.I became a single mum from the birth of my dd and didn't even bother with dating for the first 10 years of her life.

You’re definitely not selfish for not wanting to date someone with children. Both my husband and I felt the same and said it was a dealbreaker for us. We had our fun, travelled, went out and now are settled with two children. We’re happy as thats the life we chose together. I wouldn’t have wanted to raise other people’s children. If you were in your 40’s, I’d tell you to think again as at that age a lot of women would have children.

And I do think most men at 30 are pretty immature anyway so would not be able to handle the challenges that someone else's children would bring.

by taking this approach you have to accept the reality that you are significantly narrowing your options in terms of potential partners. If ‘child-free’ is a deal-breaker for you, it may take you longer to find the right person. That’s the inevitable trade-off, and it’s your choice.

This may be true if the OP was 40. He isn’t though, he’s 30. Most people I know had children in their early 30s. They were too busy establishing their careers and finances to have kids in their 20s.

Well at least your honest

Although I suspect this a thread which will end up in the Daily Mail if it wasn't already written for it deliberately.....

I would suggest it's the reason you have been single for a couple of years - because you can't compromise on what YOU want

At some point in your mid 30s or 40s when you you'll realise that life isn't all about holidays, staying out late, sex, nice restaurants

And not sure where you are finding these single mothers but most of them are not on benefit

You can date who you like. Do you want kids in the future? ,ore and more women now are deciding that they don't so you might find yourself in the position of being the one who wants the annual pass to peppa pig world but you're with someone who prefers a weekend away in Paris.....

I never dated men with kids when I was your age. Its not something that's new or strange you know.

I don't doubt the single mothers posting here (or related to posters on here) are excellent catches and could do far better than the OP.

But I wouldn't have become involved with a single man with children because I know the things I do for my own children are because I love them. I know I couldn't love other children like I do my own so a man with children who's gorgeous, witty, solvent, clever, a genius in bed - whatever floats your boat - is a great catch, but to me would still be a single father.
Which for me would be a deal-breaker.

And I'm sure this hypothetical paragon among fathers could have done far better than me anyway, so that's all right then

Man posts goady thread at midnight on a Saturday slating mothers on a parenting forum then disappears and you're all responding like this might be genuine???

Why the need for the essay? if you don't want to that's perfectly fine. At 30 I'd say it's entirely sensible and very possible. At 45 you might find it more restricting. I'm a single fake parent and wouldn't dream of dating a child free 30 year old

No idea where the word fake came from. I'm definitely real one 🙈😆

Nope, your life and your choice. I say this as a single parent. I prefer to date men with children, personally.

I always knew I wouldn't cope with someone else's kids ,so wouldn't have dated anyone with kids My choice

Your OP made me smile actually. It's so true, I am a single parent and have been for 12 years since my children were very young.

I wouldn't date someone else with children even though I have my own. I don't want to deal with all the situations you detail in the OP for someone else. It's more then enough dealing with them on my own behalf! You're not selfish and I don't think you're goady to be honest unless the truth is goady? Which seems more and more to be the case these days.

I don't really understand why a 30 year old has dated so many single mothers? Everyone I knew in my 20s was dating other single and childless people. Is it the demographic where you are that people have children younger?