AIBU / Selfish to not want to date a single Mum?

[jimmyjammy001]

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

Don't see an issue. I've seen plenty of women here saying they wouldn't date a man with kids, even though they are single mothers themselves. So.

@BacklashStarts Felt like fishing to me.

Op is old enough to be my son, thank god ive got only got girls.

When you spell it all out I can totally see what you don’t want to date someone with kids!! It is hard enough if you have your own kids, having to work around someone else’s, so I certainly wouldn’t be doing it if I were child free.

Trouble is, you’re getting to an age where many women your own age are likely to already have them. Maybe you need to go for younger women, or make it clearer on your profile that you don’t want anyone with kids (you could put it nicely so you don’t come across as a dick!)

So maybe write “as someone with a full and active social life, I’d love you to be part of it. I’m looking for someone else without children so that we can enjoy adventure weekends, exotic holidays, late nights etc so if you have children we won’t be a match” or something.

If you put “single mums need not apply, I’m not after being a step dad to someone else’s kids” then even the ones who don’t have kids will be put off!

Clearly op did not start out dismissing single mums so we can give him that at least; the experiences he's had to date have caused him to develop this stance.

There's another phenomenon I don't think op touched on - which is the children being antagonistic, jealous etc. I know a guy who experienced his single mum girlfriend's son being aggressive (eg punching at his head a shoulders from the back seat of a car, probably because he knows the guy is not going to be able to (or want to) defend himself while sitting facing away in a moving vehicle.

He felt, understandably, unable to discipline the child, and that the mum's response has little effect (similar things happened again). This guy seemed like a reasonable, well adjusted guy to me so I don't suspect he did anything to produce the antagonism.abd aggression; the boy was obviously v angry in his situation, considered him the enemy, and perhaps was aggressive and had behavioural problems too.

I experienced similar the one time I was Inna relationship with a parent (a widower single father) but it was from a teenage girl so it wasn't physical aggression, it took the form of mean girls style bullying, being snide, surreptitiously giving me the fingers, trying to take the piss out of me, pressuring her siblings not to converse with or be pleasant to me (they were totally different out of her presence) etc etc.

It's another not uncommon issue with trying to date people with kids. You're being "pushed" into their lives and they had no choice in the matter and simply don't want you there. You can't deal them because it's not your place (and shouldn't be) and their parent's attempts to deal with them are often unsuccessful.

To cut to the chase, there are many many factors why it's very difficult and doesn't work for singles to date people with kids (or even with both people having kids trying to blend families). I wouldn't blame anyone who avoids it.

Why would anyone who is young and child free actively seek out a single parent to date anyway? You have so many options at your age. I could flip it and say that as a single parent (I’m not, I’m married with a child, but just for the sake of argument), I would only want to date other single parents and not men who had never married and had kids. Anyone should be able to date whoever they want. It’s totally normal to have your own preferences.

Trouble is, you’re getting to an age where many women your own age are likely to already have them.

I think this may depend on the education and socioeconomic group of the women. Sorry if that sounds snobby, it's not meant to be at all, just observation of averages.

Op is old enough to be my son, thank god ive got only got girls.

Why? I have both girls and boys and, although I’d respect their choices of course, I’d prefer all of them not to be lumbered with someone else’s child. It’s pretty natural isn’t it?

Why would anyone who is young and child free actively seek out a single parent to date anyway?

I don't think they do - I think they:re just there as a significant demographic on dating sites etc. And single people with no kids try to date them, and encounter many of these issues.

Which newspaper do you contribute to OP?

Quite

he thinks that showing his critical friends the results on MN might win his argument for him whereas posts from hypothetical SingleLadsNet might not.

Yup.

Date who you want love.
You don't sound like my type tbh.

@bez91

YANBU at all. I'm married and we have a 2 year old but have never understood why males would find that a inviting prospect. I wouldn't.

My brother is just 25 and is with a girl who has 2 children by 2 different fathers (one of them doesn't even live with her which is another story) and I just feel sad that that's the best he's accepted in life. I hope he doesn't look back in years to come and regret his decision.

What an awful comment.

You couldn’t handle me: I own my own house outright, keep a lovely tidy home, work full time and part time and seasonally, have a holiday abroad every year and at least one other in the UK, have an active social life, eat out regularly....I do all that with no maintenance from my ex and a good working relationship with him (life is too short). I am a bloody good catch for anyone and my children won’t always be here. I know my worth and it will take someone very special to stop me being single.

The fact you felt the need to come and sneer at us with your stereotypes tells us all we need to know about you. You’re no loss.

I think it's fine. I'm a married woman with children but if I was single again I wouldn't want to date a man who has young children (teens/ adult children ok probably). I just couldn't be arsed with that, even though I have a primary age child still myself. I'd rather stay single I think.

You are young so you shouldn't have any trouble finding young women to date who don't have children yet.

I have girls and boys too, and I totally respect their choices. If my adult son tells me he doesn’t want to date single mums- fine, his choice. If my adult daughter tells me she doesn’t want to date men with kids- fine.

Good grief, surely in this day and age we’ve all seen enough about fraught relationships with blended families, absent fathers, men dipping in and out of kids’ lives to know that considering what you want from a relationship and life in general is a positive thing? Rather than blindly falling into having kids, or dipping in and out of different household set ups?

As for ‘most women your age will already have kids’ - depends entirely on many factors. I work alongside many professional women of 30 ish who don’t have kids.

YANBU. Taking on someone else's kids is a huge responsibility. However, the older you get, the less "genuinely nice" but childless women will be available.

*The point about a 30 year old single male being on MN....

I’ve often wondered why women who clearly state that they never want children are on a parenting site. And yes, there will be those who are step parents or whatever, but I’ve seen plenty of posts where they weren’t remotely in that zone. I never saw a post where they were questioned for being here. Anyone who questions it is shot down*

You never saw a post questioning why women who don’t want kids are on a parenting site?? Never? Really? It’s frequently bleated here as a nasty, antagonistic, defensive response.

I’m really surprised that having just turned 30 all you can find on dating sites are single mums. Surely you’re looking in the age ranges of 25 - 32. All of my friends fall into that category at none have children.

There is nothing wrong remotely with not wanting to get into that situation (although you do have some hilariously fixed views on single mums which are complete rubbish in most cases) , you absolutely should choose what makes you happy.

I will say as politely as I can most single mums would hear your view on them and not be interested anyway. I will admit I would laugh quite a lot at the image you have created in your own head.

I was a single mum and DP and I have now been together for 4 years and it's not for the faint hearted. It takes compromise and diplomacy on all sides and it has to really be worth it. Love of your life level worth it if you are going to do it properly. I think it's more than reasonable to be upfront with it from the beginning (although I sort of wonder if it's how you are saying it's about the children rather than what you are saying if your post is anything to judge by ).

May I also say as a previously single mum to point out to your friends I never wanted someone to do me a favour and date me despite my children so that they weren't selfish , we are actual people you know .....if someone wants to be a better person and not be selfish go and donate to a charity not try to date a single mum to treat them like a charity case that needs a pity date.

You don't need to apologise for your dating preferences they are yours. As I said next time point out to your friends that you want to treat single mums as adults rather than chuck a pity date at them in some kind of positive discrimination experiment (I mean I'm not sure from your wording you do actually think that maturely but you know ....it should keep your friends quiet at least)

@CatsArePeopleToo

YANBU. Taking on someone else's kids is a huge responsibility. However, the older you get, the less "genuinely nice" but childless women will be available.

I know a number of single genuinely nice, childless women who are in their late 30’s. The thing is, which will be why op might be struggling, is they don’t lower their standards for company as they have full lives and would only consider dating a man who adda value.

It’s your choice who you choose to date or not. It’s got fuck all to do with anybody else.

YANBU. I have 2 kids and one on the way. If my OH and I were to split I would fully understand that some men (particularly those without children) wouldn't be interested.

I don't blame you one bit. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't want to date a parent either. Being a parent does constrain things and it isn't as fun for dating. Nothing wrong or selfish about doing what you actually want.

Maybe the person wasn't saying he was selfish not to consider dating single parents (like he's some prize that single parents would be clamouring over).

🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣

Yes sorry op but the feeling is probably mutual...yanbu and no single mum would be unreasonable to feel the same about dating you. Im sure you are a nice guy but just go after what you DO want and font spend your Saturday nights ruminating and beating yourself up for denying single mums your love. They will be OK.

Seriously though, just be kind and open and you will meet someone who is right for you and able to give all her focus to you in due course.