AIBU / Selfish to not want to date a single Mum?

[jimmyjammy001]

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

Have you got enough material now Op?

The fact you felt the need to come and sneer at us with your stereotypes tells us all we need to know about you.

If this is a true/genuine post - they are his experiences, not stereotypes.

You may be and have all the things you outlined, but are you representative of the majority of single mums in the UK? I'd have to say probably not.

I don’t see any nastiness in OP’s post

Well other than according to him, most single mums all;

Have bratty kids

Have rubbish holidays

Eat at awful restaurants

Rely on benefits

Are after a well paid bloke to fleece him for a grand a month

Have a shitty relationship with their ex

He sounds a prince amongst men 😂

Incidentally, if this is a real post, I also find the behaviour of the single mums he was involved with irresponsible/unwise. I don't know how long the relationships were, but with op at 30 I can't imagine they are years and years long ..
Therefore he shouldn't have been staying overnight in their home, shouldn't have been involved in family meals and day outs and holidays. He should have been kept separate until it became clear it had long term legs; which it clearly did not.

And if doing that meant there couldnt really be a relationship both were happy with (in terms of time), it should have left.

Op was also responsible in the relationships for getting so involved and immersed before he knew he'd be around long term.

Are after a well paid bloke to fleece him for a grand a month

He never once said they were after that .. he said if the relationship progressed to living together they'd lose benefits and he'd have to equal/subsidise that.

Of course no couples in relationships I know ever actually tell the truth to the authorities about living together. He never officially lives there, no matter whether he's there 24, 7 and the mum claims full benefits as a single mum.

*relationships like that

Well, this Prince of an OP hasn't been back on since the original post. Make of that what you will. I suspect he has had a sniff of the barmaid's apron, as my long-dead Dad would have said, and thought he would treat himself to an epic load of twaddle mansplaining, on a parenting forum, mainly populated by women, several of whom are single parents If you are still reading OP, with your hairy hands clutching your phone, you really don't sound much of a catch. Date who you want, or don't. Meh. You don't have to come on here to justify it to us in a very patronising and insulting. way.

YANBU - taking on someone else's children is going to be hard. `I'm sure you will find someone who is single eventually - good luck.

You are not being selfish either.

font spend your Saturday nights ruminating and beating yourself up for denying single mums your love. They will be OK.

I doubt he's doing that, he just wants something to go back to his disapproving female friends/social circle with.

@jimmyjammy001

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

I agree with you. When I was single and didn’t have kids I didn’t want to date anyone with them either. I bet most of the single mums calling you selfish wouldn’t date a man with kids either!

You couldn’t handle me: I am a bloody good catch for anyone

You’ve just proved the OPs point, with your post.

You aren’t a bloody catch for anyone, as not all people want to catch someone with kids.

Yanbu. I'm single with 2 small children. In my younger days I ended a relationship with a man who had 2 small children. It wasnt what I wanted at ALL. I had no problems with him seeing his children whenever he wanted, but he wanted me to meet them, get involved etc. Nope.

As a single mum of three, I haven't the least idea what a 'Hungry Horse' is but, as I always tell my children to try and work out what something means from context, I imagine it's something in the Beefeater/Harvester line. Sounds a bit grim and you're not being unreasonable about that.

So what have we learned today? You wouldn't date me with my three (by and large) well-behaved children, even though I have two degrees, a decent rack, have never done MLM, and could guarantee a complete avoidance of shit eateries.

I wouldn't date you because you're labouring under the delusion that that ^ is how 'always' and 'a lot' are spelt.

Life's rich tapestry, eh?

@newnameforthis123

Females! Martin, is that you?

I'm a woman and I also don't date people with children as I don't feel equipped to make a blended family / step parenting work. Maybe I would have met someone who changed my mind by chance but I didn't actively choose to date people with kids.

I think as long as you're honest about it then it's totally reasonable.

Shit on it

Date whoever you want, OP

What an odd post. I’m sure the population of single mothers in the UK will not feel they’ve lost out

a decent rack

You don't have to justify your choices. No one would condemn a woman who says she doesn't want children, and I think you are in that category of not wanting children, even your own.

It's a selfish type of behaviour, but there's nothing wrong with that if your behaviour doesn't hurt anyone else. Plenty of couple enjoy a child free life together and live for themselves. Provided you can put aside your needs for a genuine like minded partner, you should be very happy. Many married men and woman look longingly at a child free couple enjoying their lives. It doesn't mean they don't love their children. I sometimes think how much more fun I would have without all the responsibilities of home and children are. In fact I'm not even sure marriage is all it's cracked up to be!

Mate you sound about 12 anyway.

*Have rubbish holidays

Eat at awful restaurants

Rely on benefits*

Could I just point out that the last one does make the first two more likely.

I've worked out how much I'd have for holidays and eating out if I were to become a single mum having to take benefits (and I would have to because I wouldn't earn enough to cover unsubsidised childcare; so I'd have to work less hours to get UC and subsidised childcare with it) .... And I couldn't afford non cheap eateries or holidays abroad. People also go to family friendly eateries and holiday parks because they're supposedly good for kids of course. Your kids can be their naturally antisocial selves and you don't have to worry about pissed off fellow patrons to add to your stress.

I think it's your choice. People with children come as a package, so if you don't want children in your life yet, dating a mother is not for you.
I do think you're making an awful lot of generalisations and assumptions about single mothers though. You'd probably do well not to be so prejudiced.

Always has one l.

A man having children was always a deal breaker for me. Aside from the inconvenience of having to fit round their needs, I would hate taking second place in his affections although (paradoxically) I'd think it wrong if a man didn't put his children first, once he'd chosen to produce them.

Yeap the OP most likely is just on a wind up but it’s actually provoked some interesting discussion.
Fact is, when I was single, I would not have dated a man with kids from a previous relationship. If he was a good dad, putting his kid’s needs first, making them his emotional priority and doing things at weekends which included them- well, that wasn’t the life I wanted. Fine when it came to having my own babies but I wouldn’t want the restrictions which come with having children until that point.

Most people on here have been very rational but there are a few shrieking about how selfish it is to feel that way, and even telling us they’re ‘such a great catch as a single parent that anyone would be lucky to have them.’ Rubbish. If someone doesn’t want to invest emotionally and practically in someone else’s children, you’re not a great catch for them. Fact. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it’s about the fact that people can choose who they have a relationship with.

Much as I adore my kids, I wouldn’t expect anyone other than their dad and me to willingly take on the hard work of family life. God knows there’s enough posts on here from mums desperate to tell us being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Seems a tad inconsistent to then claim it’s all such a bed of roses that anyone would be lucky to take on someone else’s kids

You may be and have all the things you outlined, but are you representative of the majority of single mums in the UK? I'd have to say probably not

How many single mums do you know? All of us? I know a good number because those are the circles I mix in. I don’t know any who spend their precious holiday time at Butlins or eat at Hungry Horse. We all work - although some earn more than others. The OP has just trotted out stereotypical tripe based on Daily Mail caricatures. And if you’re a parent (and even if you’re not), you know that your life changes and things you wouldn’t have considered would ever be a part of your life suddenly become very important because that’s parenting. Going to Peppa Pig World or an animal park is not a single mum thing. It is what parents do. So why pretend otherwise?

I don’t deny that single parents struggle and that life is tough for many and I particularly support single parents who struggle to work when they are lambasted on here by people who have not one clue. But the down at heel, chavtastic, lesser person stereotype needs to be challenged. Single parenthood happens across all walks of life and to all kinds of people. It isn’t a passport to a council flat and benefits misery as some kind of default. It makes things tough, not impossible.

One of the biggest issues I find are other people’s attitudes. People who label my children as ‘single mum so bad behaviour, poor grades, no support, poor’. People who insist I can’t have more than them because they are married. How can she afford that? It’s really unpleasant. Too many women seem to need single mums to fulfill the stereotype
but I have no idea why that should be so. Presumably to be further but society’s pecking order. I know being a single mum puts me at the bottom but fucking hell, I don’t have to accept it!