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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude or just a normal comment?

163 replies

Redolent · 29/08/2020 23:22

Will try to keep this brief since it’s not really a huge deal - just curious to see what people think.

Brother and sister-in-law recently moved into a new place (rental), from abroad. They have to quarantine - or are meant to, anyway. My sister had the keys and went round the day before and filled up their fridge, but also bought hampers with chocolates, lovely toiletries for both, slices, essential cutlery and dishware, as the kitchen was empty. Brother was immensely grateful and SIL also chipped in on the phone saying the same.

Sister speaks to SIL on the phone again yesterday, and latter mentions that ‘the flat was absolutely filthy and I’ve been cleaning it for three days’. Sister now feels like absolute shit, like she hasn’t done enough, but also pissed off at a rude comment that she would never have thought to make herself.

Thoughts? Have told sister to distance myself as this smacks of a self-entitled attitude.

OP posts:
Treaclespongeandcustard · 29/08/2020 23:26

I don’t think that she was being rude. You notice much more when you’re living somewhere (especially when confined) and it’s only normal to want to clean something yourself. I think your SIL expressed her gratitude for the supplies and was making an unrelated comment. I think your sister was being a bit sensitive. Give your SIL a chance.

Wowcherarestalkingme · 29/08/2020 23:27

Unless your sister owns the flat it seems just a bit of a throwaway comment to me. Did they ask her to clean it? Or were they expecting her to? I wouldn’t have taken it personally myself I don’t think

growinggreyer · 29/08/2020 23:28

Well, did your sister do any cleaning or did she just drop in some nice bits? I guess there could be all sorts of yuck that wouldn't be apparent on a quick inspection but would need scrubbing if she is particular. I know when I move into a new place I like to bleach everywhere just to make it feel like its mine. I wouldn't take it to heart, myself, just agree that the previous tenants were skanky and leave it at that.

TiptopJ · 29/08/2020 23:28

Its hard to say based on this one comment. She could have meant things like skirting boards and the back of cupboards that might not have been properly cleaned for years.

MsEllany · 29/08/2020 23:30

I don’t know why she thinks it’s rude unless there’s an underlying expectation that she would have cleaned it? It sounds like a conversation between friends.

You don’t mention that the thanks for the stuff and it was gross were in the same convo, that’s the only time I’d think it rude. As in, thanks BUT it was filthy.

DancingCatGif · 29/08/2020 23:31

Your sister dropped off some food and now she thinks your SIL was being rude for mentioning the house was dirty?

I don't understand the connection.

I also don't know what a slice is.

Starbuggy · 29/08/2020 23:32

Unless your sister is the previous tenant or landlord I don’t think it’s a dig at her, just a comment

VaggieMight · 29/08/2020 23:32

Presuming that the flat isn't being rented from your sister I don't think that's rude at all. I doubt the SIL would have expected your sister to clean the flat.

Original poster
Redolent · 29/08/2020 23:32

There wasn’t any expectation that she would’ve cleaned it, AFAIK. And she didn’t do any cleaning.

Consensus to be that on the surface it’s a normal comment. I think there’s probably some underlying tensions that I’m not privy to in this case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redolent · 29/08/2020 23:35

@DancingCatGif

Your sister dropped off some food and now she thinks your SIL was being rude for mentioning the house was dirty?

I don't understand the connection.

I also don't know what a slice is.

Sorry, that should’ve read ‘spices’.

Sister took it as meaning that she was basically putting lipstick on a pig.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 29/08/2020 23:37

I don’t think it was intended as a dig at your sister. Sometimes rentals look fine on the surface but then you realise the oven is filthy, or the bath has limescale, or there’s grime in the cupboards etc. And then even if it was pretty decent, some people feel better after they’ve scrubbed things down themselves before they feel comfortable.

I wouldn’t think it’s an implication that your sister should’ve cleaned it, more an annoyance at the letting agent if anything.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 23:38

Your sister is over reacting

They took some food and bits. Didn't clean it, wasn't expected to.

Sil commented it wasn't clean. Presumably accessed rooms your sister didn't.

Doesn't sound like she's blaming your sister or moaning sister didn't clean it for her

Your sister needs to get over it

DancingCatGif · 29/08/2020 23:39

your sister sounds like hard work. Is she the type of person who does favours for people but always expects a lot of fawning in return? Or can't deal with people being "not nice" (I used to have a friend who would get upset any time anyone was in any way critical or negative and it was draining.) That's how it comes across.

I can't even imagine my mind going there. Houses are often filthy when you first move in. Why would your sister have cleaned it?

Casmama · 29/08/2020 23:44

I tho k your sister is being incredibly over sensitive.
She went above and beyond in the supplies and was thanked accordingly. The dirty flat is nothing to do with her.

BackforGood · 30/08/2020 00:05

Your sister is being weird.

If it isn't her flat, then how can she infer from that comment any sort of criticism of her ? Confused

Redbirds · 30/08/2020 00:24

Sorry but your sister sounds needy.

Original poster
Redolent · 30/08/2020 00:31

Is she hard work? Have never felt that personally, but she should probably stop expending time and effort into things if that’s then going to be intertwined with expectations re: gratitude.

The issue may be muddled by our ethnic background where welcoming daughters-in-law (in this case from abroad) may be a slightly more formal process. I don’t know if a spotless home is part of that, probably still not.

Thanks for the perspective anyway

OP posts:
TheHappyHerbivore · 30/08/2020 00:35

Unless your sister was in some way responsible for the cleanliness of the flat, I don’t see how there’s any way that comment could be interpreted as a dig at her.

I suspect you’re right that there are other simmering tensions between them that are the real reason your sister feels slighted.

Shizzlestix · 30/08/2020 00:39

Don’t think this is any reflection on your sister taking them stuff. You say she didn’t clean-why should she have? Your sil can of course moan about the state the ll/agent left it in, it isn’t a dig at your sister.

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2020 00:40

If the flat was filthy then it was filthy.

I don't see what that would have to do with your sister?

There's literally no connection there at all.

Angelina82 · 30/08/2020 00:47

as this smacks of a self-entitled attitude.

Er no it doesn’t. Your SIL is allowed to say the place was filthy. If your sister somehow feels guilty about that, that’s her own problem and YABU to advise her to distance herself.

ILoveFood87 · 30/08/2020 00:51

Your sisters being unreasonable.

Original poster
Redolent · 30/08/2020 00:51

@Angelina82

as this smacks of a self-entitled attitude.

Er no it doesn’t. Your SIL is allowed to say the place was filthy. If your sister somehow feels guilty about that, that’s her own problem and YABU to advise her to distance herself.

But why shouldn’t she distance herself? It’s clearly not shaping up to a healthy relationship if there’s already pent up angst and some kind of simmering ill feeling. Rather that than continuing to lavish the person with things then feeling that they’re not sufficiently grateful.
OP posts:
Grrretel · 30/08/2020 00:51

Your sister sounds a bit self-obsessed, making this all about her?

Was the house in some way your sister's responsibility, did she clean it? If not then how is the fact that it was dirty anything to do with her?

BadTimesAtTheElRoyale · 30/08/2020 00:59

What is the connection between your sister dropping off some very well received welcome gifts and the state of the house?