Rude or just a normal comment?

[Redolent]

Will try to keep this brief since it’s not really a huge deal - just curious to see what people think.

Brother and sister-in-law recently moved into a new place (rental), from abroad. They have to quarantine - or are meant to, anyway. My sister had the keys and went round the day before and filled up their fridge, but also bought hampers with chocolates, lovely toiletries for both, slices, essential cutlery and dishware, as the kitchen was empty. Brother was immensely grateful and SIL also chipped in on the phone saying the same.

Sister speaks to SIL on the phone again yesterday, and latter mentions that ‘the flat was absolutely filthy and I’ve been cleaning it for three days’. Sister now feels like absolute shit, like she hasn’t done enough, but also pissed off at a rude comment that she would never have thought to make herself.

Thoughts? Have told sister to distance myself as this smacks of a self-entitled attitude.

You SiL wasn't remotely rude and your sister sounds hellish oversensitive.

From this

Thoughts? Have told sister to distance myself as this smacks of a self-entitled attitude.

and other comments, you seem to be winding your sister up nicely too.

I agree that sister should distance though. The poor SiL is on a hiding to nothing with such thin-skinned in-laws so just leave the poor woman alone as much as possible.

I think most people would assume close family members would be at their wedding, that's not entitlement per se. To hold it against you if you didn't, maybe.

In your first post you said that you had advised your sister to distance herself as sil was being entitled. Later, when asked about that you said that you had advised your sister to distance herself because she was incapable of being in the relationship without getting snippy. Very different...which is it?

Culture clash is so hard to deal with sometimes

It's not a culture clash. Read the thread. The OP says the sil is from the same culture.

Seems to me that your sister is a people pleaser unable to say "no", all this fandango about kitting out the house and travelling to weddings and a to do with your Sil and your sister's inadequate dress/new dress

and you seem to be much more implacable...not getting so involved in the new flat/new SIL and obviously able to say "no" to two long haul flights and an important family function

So as you say in your very first sentence....it's really Not A Huge Deal , however if your sister keeps up this carry on about gratitude and how rude your new SIL is then it will become one!

I would define an overseas wedding as one held in a country that the b&g don't live in. Was that the case? What other weddings in the family have there been and where were they held?

I think if your SIL is known to be a bit princessy and your sister felt that SIL was hinting that she should have cleaned her new rental flat as well as stocked up on food for her, then maybe your sister isnt imagining it. I cant imagine anyone expecting their husbands sister to deep clean a flat that had nothing to do with them. If your SIL is not happy then thats her problem. Maybe just say, " thats a shame, but at least with quarantine youve got the time to get it to your own standard" and then leave her to it

@BovaryX

Culture clash is so hard to deal with sometimes

It's not a culture clash. Read the thread. The OP says the sil is from the same culture.

I have read the thread. Sister lives here, SIL doesn't. It sounds as if sister has integrated and SIL hasn't.

If your sister cleaned for her before she moved in then I would say rude... if not I’d say just a throwaway comment.

Wagner
The OP specifically says that both sister and sister in law are from the same culture. This is not a culture clash. In fact the OP suggests that the sister in law is deliberately throwing shade by implying that the sister did not meet the cultural expectations of sufficient preparation of the rental property.

@IndecentFeminist

I think most people would assume close family members would be at their wedding, that's not entitlement per se. To hold it against you if you didn't, maybe.

In your first post you said that you had advised your sister to distance herself as sil was being entitled. Later, when asked about that you said that you had advised your sister to distance herself because she was incapable of being in the relationship without getting snippy. Very different...which is it?

My SiL was living in that overseas country, my brother is from the UK. I agree that family should ideally attend, but in this case my circumstances really didn’t permit it. They initially floated the idea of having the wedding in a third place, as an in between location that was easier to get to, but decided not to. Fair enough, but so is my position not to go.

Honestly, I think both are true. I do have an impression that my SiL is distinctly self-entitled. My sister can also be very ‘giving’ in a cumbersome and draining way.

I’m open to the idea that my SIL’s comment - in this occasion, about the flat - was completely nonchalant. Hence the AIBU.

Ok so you established that your sister was in no way responsible for the cleaning and that they thanked her for her very kind efforts to make their arrival so much easier.

Your SIL made a passing comment and for some silly reason your sister is offended?

My advice to her would be to get over whatever silly offence she has taken regarding the comment rather than to distance herself for a perceived slight.

How ridiculous.

@BovaryX

Wagner The OP specifically says that both sister and sister in law are from the same culture. This is not a culture clash. In fact the OP suggests that the sister in law is deliberately throwing shade by implying that the sister did not meet the cultural expectations of sufficient preparation of the rental property.

That is exactly what I am saying! It's a clash because the expectations are tempered by the different culture they are finding themselves in.

A culture clash because it's happening in the context of a British culture, where the culture of origin is attenuated by acculturation.

Anyway, I need to step back because OP should speak for herself. It just feels that she and her sister are getting an unnecessarily hard time here, where they are used to one thing and SIL is expecting something else.

You say she wasn't happy you didn't attend the wedding, what did she actually do. You also say they haven't been obeying quarantine (almost as if that is you sil fault... Is it just her breaking it?) I would have taken it as a through away comment on the cleaning but you keep mention an expectation to welcoming DIL but she isn't your sisters DIL so surely the expectation isn't there or is on your parents not you. It sounds like the wedding was in her home country... And they did consider a midway location, if you know that I assume they asked your opinion? Would you have been able to go to that one? It does sound like you don't like her and honestly I can't see anything she alone has done to deserve that except one comment on cleaning. Your whole post feels like you disapprove of her... Why?

Throw away...

I don't think that is rude at all. The rental and it's condition were nothing to do with your sister since all she was doing was stocking the fridge. She's just bring conversational and your sister is projecting her own sense of expectations onto her. Imo. She probably has no clue that your sister thinks it is even directed at her.

That is your interpretation. An alternative interpretation, which is reinforced by the OP's statements is that there has been an increasing ill feeling because of the location of the wedding, in the SIL's country and the insufficient gratitude of the SIL who should not have commented on the dirtiness of the rental. There is no suggestion at all that the cultural expectations have altered or are misunderstood. Au contraire. The sil has only just got married and she hasn't even met the OP. But the dislike of her is explicit in every post.

No connection, overthinking it. Your sister dropped stuff off as a housewarming offering. Lovely - especially thoughtful being food as they’ll need to isolate so can’t get to the supermarket quickly.

Separatley - they’ve just moved in to a new place and it needs a big clean. Typical stress relief comment from the person moving in. ‘Oh god the place is a tip it’ll take ages before it really feels like we can relax etc etc blah blah’

@WagnersFourthSymphony

Anyway, I need to step back because OP should speak for herself. It just feels that she and her sister are getting an unnecessarily hard time here, where they are used to one thing and SIL is expecting something else.

Thanks for the alternative perspective.

There may be a cultural clash. There are certain lots of cultural expectations and traditions around weddings, that we’re somewhat removed from as a family, and that SiL is far more comfortable with. The wedding was highly traditional for instance. This may also be why SiL complained to my brother that we weren’t checking in on her enough recently, that my mum wasn’t calling hers etc, ie following particular social norms with a new bride and her family.

I’m not really well versed in this stuff (partly due to decisions I made separately about who to marry). But it feels like my sister is basically trying to second guess what the traditionally ‘done’ things should be, and to do them. It’s almost as though she thinks her and SiL are speaking a latent language.

What a lovely family you have, don’t blight it by misreading a situation. You and DS welcomed DB and SIL with thoughtful gifts and they appreciated them. SIL wants the new home extra clean (she’s a good housewife). Enjoy.

It sounds like what your sister did for brother and sil is not from kindness from her heart. She sounds like she did it so they would be forever grateful. Yet their reaction wasn't good enough for her so she's now even angrier.
Or your sister thought the place was lovely in her standard, didn't even think the place was filthy in the first place, so feel inferior and that's coming out as anger.

Redolent

If that is the case, maybe a temporary disengagement is the best plan. The relationship between your sister and sister in law sounds like it is already very fraught with perceived slights and tension. Maybe some distance would help.

Perhaps your SIL & sister are both quite similar in taking offence easily?

Maybe SIL felt slighted for herself or your brother that you didn't go to the wedding & that your sister, to add insult to injury was deliberately incorrectly dressed?

Or as you say it was a one off remark due to stress which your sister took too much to heart & will now pick on everything that your SIL says/does?

That's an exhausting way to live!

Perhaps they can both start again-and also remember your brother's part in things & not put everything on SIL.

Perhaps you can also do the SIL the courtesy of not judging by what your sister says before you have even met her.

Can’t see a problem here. If your dsis had mentioned she had cleaned it, and the sil made the comment, I would feel differently, but sil wasn’t criticising your dsis as no cleaning had been done.