Rude or just a normal comment?

[Redolent]

Will try to keep this brief since it’s not really a huge deal - just curious to see what people think.

Brother and sister-in-law recently moved into a new place (rental), from abroad. They have to quarantine - or are meant to, anyway. My sister had the keys and went round the day before and filled up their fridge, but also bought hampers with chocolates, lovely toiletries for both, slices, essential cutlery and dishware, as the kitchen was empty. Brother was immensely grateful and SIL also chipped in on the phone saying the same.

Sister speaks to SIL on the phone again yesterday, and latter mentions that ‘the flat was absolutely filthy and I’ve been cleaning it for three days’. Sister now feels like absolute shit, like she hasn’t done enough, but also pissed off at a rude comment that she would never have thought to make herself.

Thoughts? Have told sister to distance myself as this smacks of a self-entitled attitude.

Where's brother in all this?

If the place was dirty your SIL was just commenting it needed cleaning, not your sister's job to clean it or to be upset that it needed cleaning.

@Mistystar99

Where's brother in all this?

In this particular instance? Nowhere, because nothing’s really ‘happened’. I wouldn’t tell my sister to even mention this stuff to him unless it were a sensitive or serious grievance. Things like this should be sorted out without intervention, or just ignored. No need for him to know there are negative thoughts about his wife, especially since him and my sister are quite close.

SiL has previously complained to my brother about us/ my mum not doing enough to follow up with her and her family. He was apparently quite upset by that, towards us. Again I just don’t think there’s a need for that.

In my opinion Husband/brother should step in if there’s a serious establishment of boundaries that needs to take place (eg pushy MiL). Anything beyond that, imo, doesn’t need his involvement

So why does your sister bother with SIL at all? She doesn't have to do these things or talk to her/see her? So why bother?

Shouldn't the brother and sister-in-law be complaining to the landlord or letting agent about the dirty condition of the flat?

@WildfirePonie

So why does your sister bother with SIL at all? She doesn't have to do these things or talk to her/see her? So why bother?

Because SiL is from a traditional family where customs matter, and sister wants to ‘save face’ and be there for my brother...otherwise people would talk.

@CustardySergeant

Shouldn't the brother and sister-in-law be complaining to the landlord or letting agent about the dirty condition of the flat?

Honestly, it’s a good point. There might be a way for me to mention it if he brings up the topic. He collected the keys quite a while ago though, before going abroad.

If her remark was catty, your brother should have pulled her up on it aferwards (maybe he did), or softened it at the time.

If it's really important to your brother's sense of familial pride, his 'face', that your sister host a banquet for him, then he needs to talk to her about that.

It's not about him stepping in only after a conflict has occurred, like some lofty lord. He's a member of the family; the crucial one bridging and reliant upon these two families, all their hopes and expectations. He needs to get pro-active, roll up his sleeves and do a bit of the social and emotional labour.

"Because SiL is from a traditional family where customs matter, and sister wants to ‘save face’ and be there for my brother...otherwise people would talk."

If the customs matter, and it was tradition to welcome new family member in certain way, then maybe she felt she should have done something about the filthy place but she didn't, and SIL mentioning that made her feel ashamed and that came out as anger even though SIL's comment was just stating the fact not expecting anything from her?

Anyway, it just sounds like you just want to make sil look like horrible person, but you are not doing it well. More you comment, it just makes you and your sister look like bullies.

""Because SiL is from a traditional family where customs matter, and sister wants to ‘save face’ and be there for my brother...otherwise people would talk.""

Then surely she should just be asking your brother to check what is expected?

Who would people talk about-I'm guessing it wouldn't be the man who knows that is wife is more traditional than his own mum/sisters but is leaving them to just guess what to do?

What people are going to talk and why does it matter?

So at a guess this is a traditional muslim wedding and a bride who expects to rely on her new sisters for support in a strange country because she doesnt expect to be allowed to see anyone else? So she's moved to a foreign country, is probably homesick and unhappy and her sil are criticising her every comment.

She's married into a less traditional family, she'll need to adapt to that - but you are being very harsh expecting that to happen overnight. Talk to her, explain this is a different world and you have your own lives to live.

here’s a specific word in our language for when someone is throwing a ‘dig’ at you for not doing enough in a particular situation. Here, sufficiently welcoming a daughter-in-law by making her place presentable (like I said, there’s an undercurrent of tradition

Well....they're not in 'kansas' anymore!
Your sister should let them know how things are done here re tenancies and cleaning - especially at the end.
SIL needs to adjust her attitude!

I think when there are different cultures involved it's really hard for other people to understand.

My husband is not British and if I ask for advice on what to do with my MIL from British friends, it's always 'explain your boundaries, tell her she's being a dick etc etc'. That just wouldn't work in my husband's culture. I wish it did, but it just wouldn't. It would be more effective to yell at her that she's being a massive dick.

You'd be better off asking people from the same culture because they can understand and give more relevant advice.