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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to share with SIL the suppliers used for my daughters birthday

176 replies

L3monDrops · 29/08/2020 16:54

SIL (brothers wife) and I do not have the best relationship for countless reasons which I can specify if necessary. However we are always civil and polite and that is sufficient. She constantly gets my brother to contact me to ask where I have got x, y and z from or who did I use for x, y and z. Examples being where we bought our fireplace which she now has in her living room, who did my hair for a wedding we recently attended and she has now booked the same hair stylist for her own upcoming event. She does this with countless things and has never once thanked me or even acknowledged that she has copied me. My brother will simply text me asking about said thing, I will provide the info and she will go out and copy. And it takes me a very long time to research and find these items/suppliers.

My daughters birthday is round the corner and I am planning to have someone come in to do some nice themed decor, a nice cake and a local chef will be providing me with the food, I just have to cook it. I just know that I am going to be asked either there and then or via text from my brother not long after who did x, y and z for the party so that they can use the same people. AIBU to not want to share this information and perhaps even lie about who I’ve used and claim some old friends helped me out as a one off but aren’t doing it as a business?

OP posts:
WanderingMilly · 29/08/2020 18:28

I can see why this would annoy you. It's as though you do all the work and then SIL just uses the information.

But, you really need to tell them straight. Each time you are asked, you just say you searched on Google (or whatever) and they need to do the same. If they ask directly (Can you tell me who did...…) the answer is no, sorry....
If they say 'Where did you get....' you just say "Go online and search under 'party providers' (or whatever it is)".

Just stop letting them know and then they'll eventually stop asking. If you keep on telling them, they'll carry on being lazy and using your ideas.

Elsewyre · 29/08/2020 18:28

@Ellamiss

Tell her to do her own research and help a different local business, I know someone like this who gets everyone else to do the legwork.
But they didnt get anyone to do anything

The original person did "research" for themselves, the second person then saw it first hand and asks for the info "also research".

Isnt it typical to spread the news of a good business to your friends and family not horde the info like some children's cartoon dragon Grin

BlueJava · 29/08/2020 18:29

If you're happy to recommend someone then maybe it's nice for the supplier to pass their details on.

Elsewyre · 29/08/2020 18:30

@WanderingMilly

I can see why this would annoy you. It's as though you do all the work and then SIL just uses the information.

But, you really need to tell them straight. Each time you are asked, you just say you searched on Google (or whatever) and they need to do the same. If they ask directly (Can you tell me who did...…) the answer is no, sorry....
If they say 'Where did you get....' you just say "Go online and search under 'party providers' (or whatever it is)".

Just stop letting them know and then they'll eventually stop asking. If you keep on telling them, they'll carry on being lazy and using your ideas.

What type of life do you live where doing this

"If they ask directly (Can you tell me who did...…) the answer is no, sorry...."

Would be seen as normal by your friends?

I can't help but think you would never do this yourself or you have never been in that position

unmarkedbythat · 29/08/2020 18:32

I don't get this. At all. You sound so precious.

Plmoknijb123 · 29/08/2020 18:32

Just say no. I wouldn’t bother providing a reason why you don’t want to share info, you’re and adult and you can say no if you want to. Her reaction to that is her problem.

Ellamiss · 29/08/2020 18:33

@Elsewyre how does that make sense? It can take ages to research good tradesman, party suppliers whatever. I know someone who won’t even bother doing a google search and will text me every few weeks for whoever I use.

The hell I am sharing my plumber with his two month waiting list Grin

HowFastIsTooFast · 29/08/2020 18:35

Why wouldn't you want suppliers you've been happy with to have more business, even better if she tells them you referred her! This sounds a bit petty to me OP, sorry.

powkin · 29/08/2020 18:36

I’d find it irritating but maybe every time he asks just reply directly to her? Or say it’s easier if she just texts you herself? —And then also tell the suppliers that when SIL sends them an email to triple the price 😂—

Nanny0gg · 29/08/2020 18:36

Will she have the same theme/cake?

If not you are being unreasonable.

Surely when you're pleased with a service you recommend them to others.

DarkDarkNight · 29/08/2020 18:38

That would annoy me especially if you have a strained relationship. I would just give a really vague answer like ‘someone on Instagram’. If she then gets your brother to contact you for more info just say you can’t remember the exact name, or if your SIL follows you on Insta you will take her (knowing she won’t want to). Next time say a friend did it, or you bought it in the sale and it was the last one, it was a gift so you don’t know where it’s from until she gets the message.

DarkDarkNight · 29/08/2020 18:38

You will tag her that should say, not take.

Spiderbaby8 · 29/08/2020 18:41

[quote Ellamiss]@Elsewyre how does that make sense? It can take ages to research good tradesman, party suppliers whatever. I know someone who won’t even bother doing a google search and will text me every few weeks for whoever I use.

The hell I am sharing my plumber with his two month waiting list Grin[/quote]
Huh? Word of mouth is really important, google doesn't always tell you the full story, the supplier could manipulate reviews. I really don't understand this?

TheTrollFairy · 29/08/2020 18:45

Just reply with ‘google’

LadyFrumpington · 29/08/2020 18:52

😂😂😂

60% YABU only on mumsnet...
If my best friend did this it would iritate me
Let alone an ingrate SIL that can't be bothered to ask directly or say thank you.

Make your excuses and dont tell them.

Billben · 29/08/2020 18:56

I see where you are coming from OP. The hell would I be going through the hassle of researching things and than sharing it with someone whom I don’t even have a good relationship with. Let her do her own legwork. It’s different when you’ve had a good experience with a company and you recommend them to people. If she hasn’t even got the decency to ask you herself, she’d be told to jog on.

StealthPolarBear · 29/08/2020 18:58

Apart from the hair which I presume was hers what makes you think these enquiries are coming from her?

Spiderbaby8 · 29/08/2020 19:00

@LadyFrumpington

😂😂😂

60% YABU only on mumsnet...
If my best friend did this it would iritate me
Let alone an ingrate SIL that can't be bothered to ask directly or say thank you.

Make your excuses and dont tell them.

It's only on mumsnet I have heard recommending things is irritating Grin

IRL friends often suggest or ask about local business/hairdressers etc.

Oysterbabe · 29/08/2020 19:03

If my brother asked me where I got something it wouldn't cross my mind for even a fraction of a second not to just tell him, even if it was for the benefit of a SIL I didn't like. Imagine being so uptight.

Shizzlestix · 29/08/2020 19:05

But they’re not friends. Sounds like sil has no intention of having a decent relationship with the OP but can’t be arsed to do her own research.

laidbacklife · 29/08/2020 19:06

I don’t see the big deal. Would you rather she turned her nose up and gave the impression your ideas weren’t good enough? It’s slightly bizarre your brother always has to do the asking but perhaps she feels that’s more appropriate as you have a closer relationship with him. I’d just be happy to make the recommendation in the knowledge that those local businesses would be getting more work through me. And at the moment, that’s no bad thing!
On the other hand, why don’t you make the effort to break the ice with your sil? It sounds like you have many perfect opportunities to do so with all these recommendations. Why not ask her next time how it went and if she was happy with your recommendation? You might discover you have more in common than you thought!

billy1966 · 29/08/2020 19:06

The OP isn't fond of her SIL, it's mutual.
But SIL has her husband quizz his sister regularly for information that she wont ask herself, and hasn't the manners to say thank you.

Ignore the text or tell your brother to Google.

PablosHoney · 29/08/2020 19:10

This makes her sound unimaginative and you petty.

Fairyliz · 29/08/2020 19:11

Blimey I often ask friends / relatives who they have used if I am looking for something similar. Isn’t word if mouth the best recommendation?
So for example when my friend had a new kitchen which looked fab I used the same kitchen fitter. Then recently we had a plumbing problem and I asked a friend who they used recently and were they any good.
Have I done wrong?

Spiderbaby8 · 29/08/2020 19:12

@Shizzlestix

But they’re not friends. Sounds like sil has no intention of having a decent relationship with the OP but can’t be arsed to do her own research.
Wouldn't some things like the house stuff be a joint decision anyway, why is all on the SIL? If people really don't want to share just don't, no need to lie, but I couldn't get het up over stuff like this.