To not want to share with SIL the suppliers used for my daughters birthday

[L3monDrops]

SIL (brothers wife) and I do not have the best relationship for countless reasons which I can specify if necessary. However we are always civil and polite and that is sufficient. She constantly gets my brother to contact me to ask where I have got x, y and z from or who did I use for x, y and z. Examples being where we bought our fireplace which she now has in her living room, who did my hair for a wedding we recently attended and she has now booked the same hair stylist for her own upcoming event. She does this with countless things and has never once thanked me or even acknowledged that she has copied me. My brother will simply text me asking about said thing, I will provide the info and she will go out and copy. And it takes me a very long time to research and find these items/suppliers.

My daughters birthday is round the corner and I am planning to have someone come in to do some nice themed decor, a nice cake and a local chef will be providing me with the food, I just have to cook it. I just know that I am going to be asked either there and then or via text from my brother not long after who did x, y and z for the party so that they can use the same people. AIBU to not want to share this information and perhaps even lie about who I’ve used and claim some old friends helped me out as a one off but aren’t doing it as a business?

Well, you have a right to refuse or to lie; but I do think it's a bit U of you. What harm does it do if she does 'copy' you? It's not as though this was a paid service for everyone else, and she was sneaking it for free. I would have thought it was a bit flattering to you, and also good for the businesses that provide the service. I do think it's a bit impolite of her to keep asking through your brother, rather than talking to you directly and thanking you for your advice; but apart from that, I don't see a problem.

Sorry sounds petty if a relative asked me i would be flattered as they obviously thought your hair / fireplace was nice.

I’m with you, OP.

She’s just too lazy to do her own research, I would find this annoying.

Given there is no relationship there, I would lead her in many, many wrong directions towards different suppliers. 😂

I wouldn’t do this to a friend, because that usually comes with an element of reciprocity, but she sounds like a complete leech and taker.

*And it takes me a very long time to research and find these items/suppliers

Maybe she doesn't have the time/interest. Choosing a fire place or a birthday cake isn't really too much of a for filling activity for most of us. We just want some form of a known quality about such things. Take it as a compliment, she trusts your judgment.

It would wind me up L3monDrops.
I would be a bit vague, just say I did an online search and if SIL needs more details tell her to drop me a text.

Aww bollocks to ‘be nice’. I couldn’t give a shite if posters think I’m petty. Someone treats me as the enemy, but constantly asks for the name of a supplier/business, then copies what I’ve done, not once but on numerous occasions, that’s not flattery. That’s them trying to prove that they can ‘afford’ whatever I have or are proving that they can ‘keep up with the Jones’s’. The Jones, bring the OP, in this case. Very different from sharing with a friend.

Tell him that you’ve mislaid the details and ask him to tell his wife to give you a ring next week, in case you find it. If she doesn’t have the manners to ask you herself, then she can whistle. Or, give him the name of a ridiculously expensive business and get satisfaction from knowing it’ll cost her more.

Sounds super petty... would just tell her, no harm and helps someone out. You don’t need to do a good deed to be thanked

Once or twice is one thing, but it does piss me off when people can't think for themselves - that behaviour and expectation just grows eventually. Don't feed it. Just lie.

How old are you?

So some people really never ask for recommendations for hair stylists, party planners, or any other businesses?

The next time someone in my local Facebook group asks for a recommendation, I must remember to pop up and accuse them of 'copying'. Or point out 'it takes a very long time to research and find these items/suppliers', therefore they should spend the same length of time doing the same.

Bonkers.

fgs, she can call you if she wants to know something and your db need to grow a pair and tell sil he isn't her messager boy.

Does it really matter...

Why does it matter once you have used the businesses? I can see it would be a bit annoying but right now those kinds of event catering businesses are really struggling and need all the recommendations they can get.

YABU and petty.
Why on earth would it matter if she booked the same caterer for a function ?

Isn't that how most people get good tradespeople / hairdresser / mechanics / or in this case caterers, by asking who did the job so well for someone they knew ?

I can't see how it would affect you in any way.

So some businesses have provided a good service to you but you don't want to pass their information on? You realise they might really need the business and appreciate recommendations from happy customers?

You don’t get on and she copies you? Mmm she could do her own legwork then.

I think many if the posters that expect OP to be nice, either missed this or are used to being passive/doormats. I’ll gladly help decent people, but I wouldn’t expect anyone to help me, that I don’t get on with.

SIL (brothers wife) and I do not have the best relationship for countless reasons which I can specify if necessary.

I'd pick random suppliers. Go onto the likes of Trust pilot and find some suppliers that you know you wouldn't use and recommend them instead.

Some say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but this is beyond that. She just doesn't have any imagination or want of one because she copies.

If your brother contacts you asking who catered your event, make stuff up. Once or twice, passing on the information is ok. This is more than that.
If you're honest with your brother, you could say "I'm not going to pass that on" or you could say "I'm not a liberty to say" and laugh it off.

Just stop sharing the information.

I don't mind sharing about suppliers but I tend to be very "forgetful" about other stuff that I don't want to answer (like pregnancy, medical related stuff or how much something costs). Maybe you can occasionally forget stuff too? Or muddle names up?

I think many if the posters that expect OP to be nice, either missed this or are used to being passive/doormats. I’ll gladly help decent people, but I wouldn’t expect anyone to help me, that I don’t get on with.

No, I think we're all just making our own deductions about the reasons for the poor relationship, based on the evidence available.

I kind of see why it’s annoying, but It isn’t harming you and there are ways to think about what she’s doing that make it not annoying. It does, as others have said, seem like admiration and maybe a little insecurity/low self-esteem on her part or many it’s actually your DB who likes your taste so much and pressures his wife into doing what you do (in which case she’s probably gritting her teeth every time he comments on how great your stuff is to her!).

I think refusing to give that sort of information takes your relationship away from civil, which is not a great idea with family if you can avoid it. Save the (a friend did it/I picked it up at a car boot sale/etc) little white lies for the one or two things you think are really special and don’t want to see anywhere but your house.

Maybe strike up a conversation about it next time you’re round at theirs - “Oh You got X for your fireplace then? Isn’t it great? Did you look at what else they had in stock? I was thinking of blah, blah, blah” or whatever. Then it might not feel so weird that these copycat things keep turning up in her life.

Hi op

I would tell her, it shows you have great taste. The only annoying thing is she doesn't ask you herself.

I'm amicable with my SIL but if she likes something not bothered if she copies us.

Mine has used the same paint colour from our bedroom in her kitchen! Used our decorators. Given her numerous recipes of mine.

I’m sure you have good reasons for not liking her, she is obviously annoying.

But complaining another girl is “copying” you is high school stuff.

Seems really petty to withhold business from local outfits, especially in times like these. Yabvu.

Folk constantly ask me for recommendations, it's a compliment... taking it as some kind of insult just makes you seem v v insecure.