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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DP’s baby and DN

155 replies

LyraBelacquaSilvertongue · 29/08/2020 10:23

Background: DP of 6 months has a 17 month old child who mostly lives with the mum. DP is a very involved dad and we have his son (‘DSS’) over 3-4x per week and one of those is an overnight (it’s my house for context).

I have a 9 year old nephew (DN) who has often stayed with me due to DSis’ physical health issues, we are extremely close and DN has always felt like mine is a second home.

Anyway due to COVID this weekend is the first that DN has come to stay since I have been with DP, so their first meeting. DSS’ mum has DSS this weekend, although when we originally talked about having DSS and DN together this weekend I said ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’.

Since partner moved we have called my spare room the ‘boys’ room’, with a plan to decorate it and use it for both boys. We have been using it to store DSS’ toys and nappies but DSS has been sleeping in a cot in our room. I’ve always previously called it ‘DN’s room’.

Before DN came to stay I tidied away all of DSS’ things in the room and put up some of DN’s things. I didn’t give it much thought but DP was really upset and said that I had excluded DSS and made it clear (from what I said previously and from tidying the things away) that DP and DSS do not have a home here. DP said any parent would feel the way he does.

I am not a parent but a very devoted aunt and I want to be a great step-mum to DSS as he grows up, so please can I have some guidance here as to whether I was being unreasonable? As above bedroom will be decorated for both boys and DSS’ things will come out of the wardrobe once DN has gone home.

YANBU - it was good to tidy away the baby things for DN

YABU - I excluded DSS by tidying away the baby things and saying ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 29/08/2020 10:29

The baby things don't need to left out if the child that uses them isn't there. The 9 year old things don't need to be left out if the 9 year old is not there.

Your DP has an issue where he hasn't realised his son is not more important to you than your nephew.

Disneyvillain · 29/08/2020 10:29

My first thought is that the age gap is too big between the boys for them to want to share a room. My second thought is that your partner is trying to emotionally blackmail you. Sorry if that’s not very helpful.

Eatyourbanana · 29/08/2020 10:32

I didn’t vote because I think both options are over kill. If it’s going to be both their bedrooms I don’t see why you needed to tidy away the baby stuff, but I also don’t see why it’s upset DP.

DSS is 17 months so couldn’t give a shiny shit. 😂

DoesThisMakeSence · 29/08/2020 10:35

I dont mean to sound horrible but it all seems to be very fast.
You sound like a very caring person who would make a great stepmum. But realistically you have known you dp for 6 months. And you see his baby child 3/4 days.
Are you sure he doesnt just see you as a house and babysitter for his child.

FilthyforFirth · 29/08/2020 10:36

Sorry to be that poster but its only been six months and you already live together and are 'parenting' the 17 month old? Far too soon.

To answer your actual question, it is your house and your nephew has been in your life for 9 years. He clearly takes precedent. This of course wouldnt be an issue if DP had his own house...

Boom45 · 29/08/2020 10:38

Putting stuff that's not being used away is a perfectly normal thing to do. Your partner sounds a bit odd - what does he want? Does he think his son's nappies should be proudly displayed or something? Can he not wear his "good dad" t shirt or something if he has a point to make?

MsEllany · 29/08/2020 10:38

My first thought is that the age gap is too big between the boys for them to want to share a room

There's always one. Sometimes a child has to share because that is what is available.

OP I think if the room is shared then you shouldn't be tidying things away so DN doesn't feel left out. Tidying up is fine - and if everything naturally lives in cupboards then fine. But making a special effort to put all baby paraphernalia away in a shared room is weird and I can see where your DP is coming from.

Pickleypickles · 29/08/2020 10:39

Sorry but you have been seeing DP for 6 months? And he has moved in and you are playing step mum? You dont even know each other! Why have you moved so fast?

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 29/08/2020 10:40

Do is more than welcome to have a full time room for His dc in His own house.. He can't dictate about Your home...
Be wary op. He is treading on cf territory imo..

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 29/08/2020 10:41

*dp

titchy · 29/08/2020 10:41

Frankly this is what happens when you move a bloke in after only six months. Give your head a wobble. He needs to move out. bet he won't have his kid 4 times a week if you're not around to help look after him

It's supposed to be fun fun fun at the six month mark. Not this.

purplecorkheart · 29/08/2020 10:42

Six months? He does not get to dictate what you do in your own house.

Monr0e · 29/08/2020 10:45

@Backtoschoolnotsoonenough

Do is more than welcome to have a full time room for His dc in His own house.. He can't dictate about Your home... Be wary op. He is treading on cf territory imo..
This times a million

Your DN has been in your life for 9 years. Please don't push him aside for a man you barely know and a baby (who at this point is most definitely not your DSS) who will neither know or care.

Tlollj · 29/08/2020 10:45

Just echo other posters really. It’s only been six months. Why the fuck are you having his son over 3/4 times a week. Where does dp live? Why isn’t his son staying there? Oh I know you’re doing all the work!

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2020 10:45

It’s all going way too fast. 6 months ago we were either immediately pre lockdown or in lockdown. Now he’s moved in, his baby sleeps in your room? What are you thinking?

But you are where you are, DN doesn’t live there and this baby apparently does at least once a week. The room is the baby’s so not sure what you do now.

WitchenKitch · 29/08/2020 10:45

It all sounds bad, tbh. Not being able to sustain a relationship with his child's mother for even a year. Moving in to your place after six months. Throwing his weight around with emotional manipulation. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

Did he have a stable living environment that enabled overnight visitation with his son before latching onto you? "Any parent would feel" that was his job to provide, not yours.

I'd rethink this whole mess, OP.

Azerothi · 29/08/2020 10:47

How long have you and your boyfriend lived together?

I wouldn't even entertain living with a man who thought it was OK to move someone he doesn't know (you) into his really tiny baby sons life.

On the other hand, he's taking you for a mug and as another poster said is only having his son because you moved him in so very soon.

MyName007 · 29/08/2020 10:48

Your DP is using you and your home as his base and after just 6 months you shouldn't be involved so heavily in raising his child. Go find yourself a new, single man, who will put you first. Don't be with someone who comes with tones of baggage and still wants to control your relationship with your DN.

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2020 10:51

I honestly couldn't vote because I think it's ridiculous this boyfriend of six month and his baby, have any kind of place in your home at all at this stage.

Just why would you move that fast?

Frov · 29/08/2020 10:52

YABU to have moved in with DP at such an early stage. I sorry for this baby who will be attcahed to you when you split up. Your partner is being an idiot and clearly using you (living in your house and you being a step mum) and now manipulating you.

ColleagueFromMars · 29/08/2020 10:53

6 months. Christ. Did your DP move straight out of his ex's and into yours?

Whatever the chain of events were it was in the middle of a pandemic too - not exactly normal times.

I would slow everything the fuck down. DP and his son stay at DP's own place that night. You haven't even known the man long enough to know if he's to be trusted with your DN yet!

You obviously have a very special and important relationship with your DN and should be prioritising him.

A 17 month old doesn't give a shit where his nappies are. I wouldn't, but if accusations like that are going to be flying around I'd point the gun back at the father who moved his son into his new girlfriend's place without much thought. That's 10 x more disruptive to even a baby than where said kid's belongings are stored once there. What does his ex think about this?

cameocat · 29/08/2020 10:53

I am afraid I am with the other posters.

It is all moving way too fast and this room was originally you nephews.

Poptart4 · 29/08/2020 10:54

I also think 6 months is way to early to be moving in together especially when there are children involved. He sounds like perfect cock lodger material.

I dont think you did anything wrong in tidying DSS's things away. That has been your DN's room for 9 years, he needs time to get used to the new normal.

kierenthecommunity · 29/08/2020 10:54

As it’s neither boy’s full time bedroom I can’t really see an issue. I used to sleep in the spare room at my dad’s when my parents split, and never really got upset it wasn’t ‘my’ room.

DP sounds a CF for saying it feels like he doesn’t have a home there. How long has he lived there? What has he contributed to this ‘home’ other than his bizarre opinion?

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/08/2020 10:56

I very much agree with the 'too fast' comments. My children never met my new partner until we'd be going out for 6 months, and it was very slow after that.